Mrs. Deal: “Let me see if I got this right: you’re going to make fun of a kids’ Christmas movie starring puppies. What is wrong with you?”
Oh no…no no no, Mrs. Deal. Don’t you dare paint me as the villain here.
I didn’t make this movie.
I didn’t make this horrible, horrendous, atrocious, insert your favorite synonym for bad movie. That wasn’t me. That was someone else, someone who was undeniably cruel and probably hated kids, kids’ Christmas movies, and puppies.
You know what he did like, though?
Santas who appear utterly and completely intoxicated.
I mean, seriously, George Wendt?
Let’s sit back and ponder that decision for a moment. Someone was actually paid to utter the following outloud: “You know who would be great as Santa Claus? Norm from Cheers.”
And then someone else was paid to make that happen.
And then George Wendt was paid, and he showed up on the set and promptly downed a pony keg of Budweiser.
Eh, if I had to make this movie, I probably would have too.
You know, I remember another Christmas movie that had caves and stalagtites. It was called Santa with Muscles and it was horrible.
That right there should have been warning enough for me to stop watching and just cop out and induct Santa Comes to Pac-Land instead.
Eh, maybe next year.
Soon enough we’re introduced to Santa Paws’ kid, one Puppy Paws, via some of the worst CGI you will ever, EVER witness. I mean, the guys who did WSX would take a look at this and say, “Man, that is some bad CGI right there.”
Anyway, he’s a spoiled little brat, who doesn’t want to listen to anyone and just wants to do his own thing. This causes Comet to bemoan the fact that he has “a lot to learn before he can take the reigns and be responsible for Christmas.”
Now wait a minute…you’re to tell me that when Santa dies or retires or just gets tired of trying to go to every single house on the planet in one night and gives up, he’s going to have a DOG take over the responsibility?
I’ve heard of some bad succession planning in my day, but none of the business owners left a DOG to run their company.
Oh, and have I mentioned how bad this CGI is yet?
Well, tough, because I need to bring it up again.
I swear to you I did a better job than this using a Mac Power Mac 6100 (remember those, the ones that looked like pizza boxes?) and Bryce 1.0 back in 1994.
To Santa’s workshop we go, where there are equal quantities of elderly midgets in curly toe booties and dogs playing pianos. I’d ask for some explanation of this, but from what I’ve seen thus far, my guess is that will be asking for way too much.
In the midst of this clinking and clanking, Puppy Paws hits the “FAST” button on the production line, and as you’d suspect, CHAOS ensues and the elves and dogs get all upset.
MY question is this: why have a button that makes things go fast if all it does is cause problems?
For causing this insanity, Puppy Paws is brought before the Christmas High Council: 2 dogs, drunk Santa, and a midget who I am pretty sure was Kramer’s buddy on Seinfeld. This foursome explains to us that Christmas is important because it’s the day when children and dogs get the presents they’ve wanted all year and that Puppy Paws has put those plans a day behind schedule.
Naturally, the stern talking to has its desired result: Puppy Paws now thinks Christmas sucks and that it needs to go away forever.
Or you could go with the theory that Puppy Paws has cat friends, and is pissed off that apparently only dogs get presents at Christmas.
I suspect Bryan , who now is enamored with these little “buggers” (or are they “f***ers” today? I’ve lose count) would subscribe to such thinking.
Not soon enough, we leave the North Pole and go to Ferndale for the lighting of the town Christmas tree. It is here we are introduced to more talking dogs, and they all have personalities. There’s a rapping dog, a country dog, a football dog, and a dog that’s a Buddhist.
Ok, if the Buddhist dog believes in Christmas, I am going to be REALLY confused.
I should also note that all these dogs look pretty much exactly the same, just with a different ‘outfit’. Hell, they may even be the same dog for all I know.
In case you’ve not noticed from this fine animated GIF I’ve put together for your viewing pleasure, these ornate costumes consist of a bandana, a chain, and a tiny football jersey.
All together now: “AWWWWWWWWWWW….”
And now we’re introduced to the antagonist of our film: MR. CRUGE, THE EVIL DOG CATCHER. Apparently, he not only hates dogs but Christmas trees as well, as he somehow short-circuits the town’s tree.
Normally, such a combination of no-goodery would have me booing and hissing, but since Cruge is played by the great Christopher Lloyd, I can’t.
I mean, seriously, Doc Brown as a heel?
You can put all the ominous lighting on the guy you want, and I’d still invite the guy over for dinner.
Between this and George Wendt as Santa Claus, this casting director cannot possibly ever find work again.
So anyway, Puppy Paws finds Santa’s naughty list and decides that hanging out with evil dogs is much better than being Santa’s whipping boy. Or whipping dog. Whatever.
He hitches a ride in a MAGICAL MAIL TRUCK (don’t ask) with Kramer’s midget pal and off to Fernfield we go.
The icicle is melting, and with it all the spirit of Christmas. I reiterate that point, because the movie does so about 50 times in the span of 90 minutes. At one point, it is even suggested that the North Pole itself is also melting. So apparently there’s some kinda global warming issue going on here too.
I’d inquire more about it, but that would require me to look further at the image to the left. And I don’t want to do that, because as it’s hanging there and dripping, it looks for all the world like a giant ice penis taking a leak.
Maybe if we can get ODB on WrestleCrap Radio, I’ll ask her about such things.
So we again leave the North Pole and find Puppy Paws finding all those naughty dogs on the list, first of which is Budderball (that would be the movie’s spelling, not mine), whom he immediately humps.
Ok, not really.
Actually, he tells him he’s been looking for him for a long time. Long time = approximately less than 24 hours by my watch.
So Puppy Paws wants to learn how to be a regular puppy, and Budderball says you do so by eating lots of cookies.
Glad my dogs have never watched this show. I can only imagine how much they’d be crapping all over the place after eating plateful after plateful of Christmas cookies.
You know, only an animated GIF will give you the real feel for this.
I think it was last week in the WWF 2001 Christmas Party induction that I wrote how I had just published the greatest animated GIF in the history of man.
I now feel like I’ve published the worst.
But don’t blame me.
Blame SANTA BUDDIES.
So this goes on and on and on and he meets all the buddies. And he keeps messing everything up for them. One minute he’s splattering mud all over one of the dogs’ house, the next minute he’s turning Buddha statues into snow men.
Serves him right – it’s CHRISTmas, not BUDDHAmas.
Wait, that makes no sense. He turned him into a snow man, not a statue of Christ.
Still, I gotta believe that somewhere, Richard Gere is really pissed.
Eh, maybe this isn’t such a bad movie after all.
We finally get a break from talking dogs as a poor father goes to evil Mr. Cruge’s Dog Pound. He finds the cutest little puppy, and he can’t wait to take him home to his son for Christmas. Just one problem: the dog costs $300 and the guy only has $50. Somehow, this makes Doc Brown the bad guy.
Jeez, he’s just trying to run a business. If I went to buy an iPad but only had $20, I don’t think people would look at me and say, “Man, poor RD…I can’t believe what a bunch of pricks those guys at Best Buy are!”
Oh, and even with the Freddy Krueger hat, Lloyd still isn’t a bad guy.
Back to the mutts we go, and the buddies have made the wise decision to ditch Puppy Paws. PP over hears their plans, including this harsh line from B Dog: “Puppy Paws thinks I’m buying’ his pop is Santa Paws. I’m not even shoppin’, yo! Fo shizzle!”
So he wanders off, all sad, but no less than 10 SECONDS later, the dogs decide Puppy Paws is ok after all.
But that’s too bad because Doc Brown nabs him.
Oh, the tension.
Meanwhile, back at the North Pole, Santa is looking sad and intoxicated. We’re told that if Puppy Paws isn’t found, Christmas will die forever.
You know, with each passing moment, this movie makes sense. In comparison, the whole Santa vs. Pitch storyline is completely logical.
Meanwhile, at the pound, the dogs explain to Puppy Paws how they all have the Christmas spirit. Then the smallest dog (named, get this, “TINY”), sings a really bad and sappy song.
Note to any dog who wants to do some Christmas caroling. It’s THIS or nothing at all.
The dogs escape the pound. I saw that coming.
What I didn’t see was them going rabid and devouring poor Christopher Lloyd. That was a shocker.
(And don’t rent this movie expecting that to actually happen. I just thought I’d throw that line in there to see if anyone was still reading. No, see the dogs lick him and that makes him love dogs again instead of hating them.
Dude, they’re just licking your face, not your balls.)
Now that he’s escaped, Puppy Paws decides he needs to head back to the North Pole, but there’s no reindeer to be found in Ferntown. So of course, the BUDDIES pull the sleigh and fly around.
They sure do.
And with Puppy Paws wanting to be back in the Christmas spirit, the North Pole stops dripping.
Who knew the solution to global warming was a dog believing in Christmas?
So dog and son are reunited…
…and for some reason I am far too lazy to go back and check, Santa opts to not do the run this year but instead decides to have Puppy Paws and his buddies handle it.
I believe the idea was that the reindeer were sick, but I’d rather think that Santa failed a sobriety test.
So the dogs fly all over the globe delivering presents and eating bean burritos while mariachi music plays.
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