It may sound insane, but my favorite wrestling “match” over the past several years wasn’t in WWE – it was on Impact of all places. You know, that company that everyone is shocked to hear is still alive. It was completely amazing, and even if you never watch that show, you most likely still may have seen it.
Who could forget this?
Sorry, my bad. That would be Rebel vs. Shelly Martinez, and that match was horrible. So much so that I inducted it a while back. Trust me, it’s worth checking out if for no other reason than Rebel’s ring entrance GIF. Fully expect to see that GIF as avatars on geek forums across the inter webs this upcoming weekend since I just plugged it again.
Don’t let me down, shut-ins!
Ok, so it wasn’t Shelly vs. Rebel, it was of course Matt Hardy vs. Jeff Hardy in Final Deletion. If you’ve never watched it, do so now. It’s amazing in about ten billion different ways. Matt had created a memorable character being “broken”, and brought in family members (his wife Reby, son Maxel, father-in-law turned gardner Señor Benjamin) to join the fun. It was a true breath of fresh air in a business that has been incredibly stagnant and repetitive, and his battle with Brother Nero (Jeff) took everything to an amazing new level. Goofy, funny, and so out of left field that it left folks like me in awe.
Of course, I wasn’t the only one to enjoy it – folks in WWE did as well. So much so they decided to try their hand with their version, which took place on Raw on July 11, 2016 and featured the Wyatt Family vs. The New Day.
And you won’t believe it, but it absolutely stunk.
For starters, the pairing of the creepy Wyatts and The New Day didn’t sound good on paper. Villains that are portrayed as total creeps versus a complete comedy act? Oil meet water. Ya ain’t gonna mix. Regardless, it’s the feud we got, with Bray challenging his foes to meet him at the Wyatt Compound for a battle.
So we get spooky music, and New Day showing up in a dark field. They are immediately greeted by a girl in a sheep mask. At least I think it’s a sheep. And I think it’s a girl. Maybe Kendall Windham dyed his hair brown and he’s a lamb. Or maybe it’s Kendall Windham on the lamb. You know, for counterfeiting.
I just worked way too hard for a joke referencing something took place 28 years ago and that literally no one is going to get. Please, kids, let this be a warning: do something better with your brain than memorizing old rap sheets on professional wrestlers.
Shunning the girl, the New Day are then blinded by several cars lined up in the field with their brights on. Anyone else having flashbacks of other terrible WrestleCraptactular events such as the IRON CIRCLE (available in the archives) and that time Sid Vicious lost his car keys (available here)? Again, that latter one is well worth your time to check it out for an animated GIF, but instead of lovely Rebel showing her talents, we get Sid showing his in the form of his mighty windmill punches.
Sid is awesome, no question, but I have to be honest and say the one with Rebel was better.
Back to the match, a car goes vroom vroom and runs into another car, with the New Day deftly stepping out of harm’s way. They then wait patiently as the Wyatts get out of a slick looking blue silver low rider. No idea what kinda car that is (maybe an Impala?), but I sure hope they don’t smash that crap out of it for the sake of this stupid match.
Unlike Final Deletion, which reveled in goofiness, this is just a straight up hardcore match, with guys hitting each other with shovels and jamming dudes into dilapidated vehicles. (Great, now I am having Hardcore Invitational flashbacks too. In the archives.)
I do like the fact that the video features ‘scratches’ and film glitches, all while in otherwise pristine 1080p. That’s the earmark of a current day WWE production – taking something that makes no sense and somehow fashioning it so it makes even less.
So Xavier hides behind a tree…or I guess in front of a tree…which leads to…
Bray playing Johnnie from The Shining, complete with axe. They then run around the tree like two kindergartners. I was legit waiting for Bray to start crooning Ring Around the Rosie.
Pretty sure that wasn’t in the movie.
The children play in the mud next, splashing crap all over the place. Again, this is being played 100% straight, with no comedy.
If Matt had been there, for sure there would have been a Slip n’ Slide, and probably had the wacky music from the commercial in the background.
As best I can tell this is what happens next: Braun grabs a tire and throws it at the ground, causing water to go airborne. One of the New Day then takes a handful of mud and throws it in his face, sadly without yelling “Here’s mud in your eye!”
As Braun fights to regain his vision, we get a still shot of him smiling at us.
Yeah. I don’t know either, dude.
And why does that still picture of Braun just scream Glamour Shot?
The big guy follows this up with what would soon become one of his patented moves:
Running into a stationary object so his opponent can take over. I’m trying to get confirmation on this, but rumor has it that is coming to WWE 2K18 as part of a “Big Guys Doing Stupid Things” DLC pack.
The Wyatts eventually gain the upper hand, laying Xavier out on a car hood. Bray tells Braun “UP!” and he gets atop a different car, looking to do a Superfly splash to end this once and for all. Sadly before he can do so, he is hit by…something…and just falls down gently to the ground.
Bray throws Xavier into the car the Wyatts arrived in. Remember when I said it looked nice? I was wrong, this thing is a pile of crap. I can’t really blame Bray for smashing it to bits. I do like that in the middle of the melee, Bray screamed at Xavier, “How dare you deflower young Paige?”
Ok, he actually yelled, “Where’s your power of positivity now?”
I’ll leave it to you decide whose version of the dialogue was better.
(Hint: it’s mine.)
Eventually, the New Day get the upper hand, with Bray on his knees before them. He laughs then raises his arms in the air to reveal…
…more lights.
The thought of all those LED bulbs causes the New Day to run for their lives, and the match or whatever it is comes to a screeching halt.
Back to the announce crew we go, who go mental talking about how the New Day may never recover from this. JBL tells us that he’s been in the business for a “quarter of a century” and there’s never been anyone as scary as the Wyatts.
Would the New Day be able to return to the ring?
If so, would they be permanently scarred?
Well of course not, silly. If you answered “I bet they show up the next week on Raw making Pokemon jokes”, step up and claim your prize!
As noted at the beginning of our fun today, this all started with something great: Matt Hardy’s Final Deletion. It led to something atrocious, namely this induction. According to this past week’s Raw, we will be getting Bray Wyatt vs. Matt Hardy at the Hardy Compound. Apparently it’s being dubbed the Ultimate Deletion, and may be headed for WrestleMania.
Will it be great? Will it be terrible?
I love Matt Hardy, but Bray Wyatt & WWE have ways of making things go their way. And one has to believe that Bray Wyatt may feel slighted for not winning a Gooker we thought he had totally wrapped up.
Yeah, pretty sure we know which way this is going to go. Get those projected maggots at the ready, kid!