WrestleMania 2

Following the tremendous success of the first WrestleMania, it was only natural that the WWF would decide to make the spectacle an annual event. After all, it was their own version of the World Series, a Superbowl of wrestling that featured not only the biggest stars on the grappling scene, but celebrities galore. So it came as little shock when the company announced WrestleMania 2.

The big surprise was the fact that it would eminate from no less than THREE different locations: the Nassau Coliseum in New York, the Rosemont Horizon in Chicago, and the Sports Arena in Los Angeles. In addition to the roster being split three ways, the commentary team was as well, which led to an idea…what if we split up the induction of said event three ways as well?

And with that thought, we head to Nassau and ou first MC, Mr. Blade Braxton!

It’s Blade Braxton here, ready to commence the Wrestlemania 2 report, as we kick things off from the Nassau Coliseum in Uniondale, New York.

Why, look who’s here to welcome us, it’s good ol’ Ray Charles singing America the Beautiful. Some may say Ray’s blindness was a handicap, but not today. In fact, that shit-eating grin Ray can’t wipe off his face is due to the fact that while all of us have to endure this watching this questionable upcoming card from New York, he can see it best by…uh..not seeing it at all.

One sight Ray was saved from seeing was the horrors of….Paul Orndorff vs. Don Muraco? I know what you’re thinking: these two were actually pretty damn good in their day, so a bout between the two should, in theory, be pretty damn good. Yes, theories are a wonderful thing. Sadly, this bout was apparently contested under “Armbar Iron Man Rules”: the man who applies the most restholds during the encounter is named the winner. Orndorff took the early advantage, locking Muraco down for a good 3 1/2 minutes with this devastating armbar:

As if that wasn’t boring enough, I should probably mention the dynamic duo calling the action:

Why look kids, it’s WWF king Vince McMahon, along with his celebrity sidekick for the afternoon, Susan St. James, star of CBS’s “great” show, Kate & Allie. Now, while the aforementioned Mr.Charles may have gotten off the hook visually, his perfectly functioning eardrums soon would fall victim to the single worst catchphrase ever muttered by a commentator, celebrity one or not. World, prepare yourself for Susan St. James patented…

UH-OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whether you agree or disagree that “Uh-Oh” deserves to be ranked right up there with Joey Style’s “Oh My God” is irreverent at this point, as we all must do our best to survive this oncoming verbal assault by Susan, one that would feature her unleashing about 60 “Uh-Oh’s” in a span of a little more than a half hour. And that’s not a joke. In her honor, and in a move that will send Dave Meltzer cringing, I’ve taken it upon my self to create the rather Bizarro-like, Susan St.James’ “Uh-Oh Scale” of rating this hideous card from New York. Dave might give Muraco-Orndorff 1/2 star if he’s generous, but using the more accurate Susan “Uh-Oh Scale” nets this abomination of a match a…

Susan St. James Uh Oh Rating:

Next up, we move on to what is the highlight for this venue’s portion of Wrestlemania, the Intercontinental title match between Champion Randy “Macho Man” Savage and challenger George “the Animal” Steele.

It’s here where Susan will display her 2nd most annoying vocal trait of the evening. You ever wonder what the 70’s sitcom ” The Jeffersons” would’ve been like if Weezie Jefferson would’ve been portrayed by a white woman whining at poor George Jefferson all show long? Well, wonder no more, as during this match, in between about 30 “Uh-Oh’s” and the all important human body function called breathing, Susan takes up the hobby of scolding George and yelling out his name, in the most annoying, PMS’ing, “I hate the sound of my wife’s voice” kind of way. While not quite the classic match-up of a Steamboat-Savage kind we would witness a year later, the fact that Liz’s cans are bouncing around ringside in all their glory are enough to pull this match down to…

Susan St. James Uh Oh Rating:

Up next, what every Wrestlemania needs…more jobber matches. Here relative WWF newcomer Jake “the Snake” Roberts faces off against all-purpose enhancement talent… oh no!! Ahhh s#it, check out his f’n first name…GEORGE Wells. Yay, here we go again. As Susan spouted off enough bitchy sounding “Georges” to make “The Jeffersons” co-star Marla Gibbs book a flight to New York, thinking she needed to be booked as Wrestlemania 2’s “official maid”, Jake made quick work of Mr.Wells. The match “climaxed” in the memorable shot of George spewing white stuff out of his mouth.

Truly a scene that could be best described as looking like a money-shot outtake from the Iron Sheik’s upcoming gay porno, “I Like To Humble People.” I don’t like seeing guys gurgle white stuff in their mouth, and I didn’t like this dud of a match either.

Susan St. James Uh Oh Rating:

I don’t now if the term, “save the best for last” applies here, but here she is – New York’s main event. Rowdy Roddy Piper, accompanied by Cowboy Bob Orton and legendary boxing trainer Lou Duva, facing off in 10 rounds of boxing action against his rival from Wrestlemania I, Mr. T. To even the sides, Mr.T recruited the two greatest midgets from their respective sports, little guys Haiti Kid and former heavyweight champ Smokin’ Joe Frazier.

This match-up has all the makings of being hideous. To make it through this one, and the rest of the evening’s card, while I don’t condone drugs, I’m sure we all could use a little “herb.” That’s street lingo for “mary jane,” “the hooch,” “the green,” or “RVD’s best friend,” if you will. What we got instead, was WWF bookers smoking the green, and then booking this guy…

…the worst celebrity in the history of fast food mascots, Burger King’s infamous Herb. Crap, couldn’t Vince just have put pigtails on Velvet McIntyre, pawned her off as Wendy, and called it good? Yep, definitely need some a hit of the ol’green to help get me through all this. Yep, it’s 4:20 time for ol’ Blade…wait a minute. I remember why I stopped doing drugs in the 90’s. I hated hearing those imaginary voices in my head. While a toke might save me from this match, what if, just what if, a drag made me think in my head that Art Donovan was co-hosting Wrestlemania 2 with Susan St.James?!?!?!?

Ahhhhhh the horror, the horror. Screw Nancy Reagan kiddos, trust Blade on this one….JUST SAY NO!!!!!!!!!

Anyways back to a sober reality, Piper and Mr.T went at it for a few painful rounds.

Ironically, two of the judges were Watergate Scandal goofball G.Gordon Liddy, as well as basketball backboard breaker Darryl Dawkins. These two famous glass breaking judges obviously were there to symbolize T and Piper’s glass chins, as these two brawlers reenacted the ending of Rocky II all night long, flopping all over the ring. Their choreographed, slow-motion punches – BRUTAL. In fact, instead of giving you a further review of this match, or you wasting your time watching it on the recently released dvd, I went to the trouble of going to my local nursing home, liquoring up my Grampa Braxton and my uncle, “Sloppy” Joe Stetson, put fresh Depends on both of them, and sent them out to the parking lot to reenact all the slow-motion, sloppy, embarrassment of all 4 rounds of the Piper-T boxing match, and give it to you in a Braxton family, sloppy reality dramatization. Go get ’em, Grampa!!!!!!

After 4 rounds of stumbling and bumbling all around like what you just saw my Pappy do, Piper slammed T to the mat with an illegal-for-boxing bodyslam, causing a DQ victory for the mohawked one. The ahhh, “boxing match,” may not have been a thing of beauty, but for historical purposes alone (the fact that the WWF’s all-time best heel faced off against a huge celebrity in the WWF’s biggest showcase), it was all right. Even Susan thought so.

Susan St. James Uh Oh Rating:

Thankfully, this ends my evening of reviewing Wrestlemania 2. You know, Susan St. James got this announcing gig because of her fame on the “oh-so-hilarious” sitcomKate & Allie, in which she starred with SNL-alum Jane Curtin, portraying two single woman who lived together.

Two single, middle aged woman living together?!? I’m willing to bet there was a lot of battery-operated, penile replacement going on under that roof. Lord knows, after setting through a torturous, 40 minutes of Susan on the mic at Wrestlemania 2, my eardrums feel like they both skullfu*ked me in the eardrums with their resective strap-on dildos for about an hour…against my will, of course. Better luck to you in Chicago, Harry!!!!

Text by Harry Simon

Thank you, Blade! If you’ve got the “uh,” I got yer “oh” right here, buddy boy! Hello and welcome, WrestleManiaCrappers! It is I, the quintessential Trivia MANGOD, Harry Simon, coming to you live twenty years after the fact from Chicago, Illinois! But enough about me, it’s time to inform you of the amazing announce trio for the Chicago portion of the event, that being Gorilla Monsoon, “Mean” Gene Okerlund, and Miss Cathy Lee Crosby!

CLC is best known to America for, uh, well, not being Kathie Lee Gifford. OH! And she was also the co-co-host of pop culture eyeblink That’s Incredible! which ended two years before WM2 took place. If losing her spot on a show featuring such “incredible” feats as dudes solving a Rubik’s cube in 14 seconds and a guy stuffing himself into a shoe box wasn’t bad enough, poor Cathy totally got the shaft on the Colisseum release, as she’s not even shown on screen! To somewhat make up for this omission, here’s a ultra super sexy shot of her on yet another short-lived phenomenon, television’s Wonder Woman.

Look at my plunging neckline – that’s incredible!

Ya know, back at WrestleMania 2’s prequel (that would be WrestleMania 1), one of the biggest pops of the night came when the Cyndi Lauper-managed Wendi Richter defeated Lelani Kai to regain the Ladies’ Title. Pro Wrestling Illustrated even ran a famous story around this time that asked, “Is Wendi Richter More Popular Than Hulk Hogan?” And at the time, it was a borderline-valid question.

So how did it come to this? Our second third of the evening kicks off with Ladies’ champion The Fabulous Moolah successfully defending against Velvet McIntyre in one of the least-memorable squashes in WM history. Folks, I realize that up to this point, we’ve had plenty of “Mania” but hardly any “Wrestle.” Fear not, my friends, because that’s all about to change! Here we go!

Wow, that was fast! To be fair, it wasn’t quite that much of a squash, so ladies and gentlemen, I am overjoyed to present the WrestleCrap debut of…

The Complete And Total List Of Every Wrestling Maneuver In This Match

1. Punch
2. Snapmare
3. Snapmare
4. Snapmare
5. Punch
6. Punch
7. Leapfrog
8. Dropkick
9. Dropkick
10. Back elbow
11. Bodyslam
12. Missed splash
13. Pin

I daresay that Gordon Solie himself could not have done a better job of bringing the action right into your home. For one thing, he’s been dead for several years. *ahem* (Note from RD: I should mention that urban legend has it that Velvet’s bra strap broke in this match, and thus the girls took it home early to keep us from seeing any Albino boobies. No idea if that’s true, but if so, thank God for small favors, sez I.)

Now then, everybody knows that you can’t have a mid-80s sports entertainment soiree without some good ol’ commie-bashing! To wit, our next contest of the evening pits Nikolai Volkoff against Corporal Kirschner in the first-ever (and so far, last-ever) “Flag Match” in WM history! Ah, I have fond memories of watching this match back when I was a precocious juvenile delinquent. Me and my chums had a hearty laugh by talking about the Flag Match after subtracting the letter “L” from the equation. I always told myself that some day, I would grow out of laughing at stuff like this. Today is not that day. And tomorrow won’t be either.

The rules for this F(l)ag Match are simple: It’s winner-take-all, as the better man not only retains his own flag, but he claims the flag of his opponent as well. Then upon Kirschner’s victory, we see him defiantly refuse to take the Russian flag. Wait, that’s not simple at all. That’s asinine, pointless, and needlessly complicated.

The big question: would this be more competitive than the Chicago opener? Would Kirschner’s bra strap break as well? Let’s see.

Oh come on, there’s got to be more to it than that. In fact, let’s consult…

The Complete And Total List Of Every Wrestling Maneuver In This Match 2

1. Kick
2. Knee
3. Stomp
4. Throw to outside
5. Ringpost
6. Bite
7. Ringpost
8. Punch
9. Punch
10. Punch
11. Punch
12. Punch
13. Punch
14. Ref bump
15. Punch
16. Punch
17. Punch
18. Punch
19. Cane shot
20. Pin

Sweet cherry pie, the world hadn’t seen that much bad “punch” in one place since Jonestown. Okay, we’re halfway through the Chicago card, which clocks in at almost four full minutes worth of wrestling. That’s value for your entertainment dollar!

Hokay, sports fans, here’s the big one! It’s a 20-man battle royal, containing six NFL players, thirteen WWF wrestlers, and Ted Arcidi. Most memorable part of the match is when Big John Studd eliminates William “The Refrigerator” Perry, who called the most obvious spot in WM history. But the ever-gracious Fridge makes nice with BJS, offering a handshake.

But lo, what’s all this then? It was all a cunning ploy to yank Studd out over the top rope and eliminate him in turn! I know what you’re thinking. “Why would the biggest heel in the match shake a babyface’s hand after ejecting him from a battle royal in the first place?” Damn kids today. Back in my day, our heels were hair-shaving, concrete-DDT’ing, megaphone-conking ne’er-do-wells, but dammit, they had manners!! Andre The Giant won the thing after single-handedly dispatching Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart, the latter of whom took the possibly the single most comical bump in the history of wrestling off Andre’s boot.

Finally, that brings us to what many fans considered to be the real main event from Chicago, an excellent Tag Title match wherein The British Bulldogs knock off The Dream Team to capture the gold. This match was put together well and it looked great. In fact, if you’ve ever wanted to see a **** Brutus Beefcake match, here you go. So, really, we have no business discussing it on this site, now do we?

But wait, that’s not all! What would a WrestleMania be without a smattering of celebrities? Actually, it would be exactly like WM2. Rosemont Pseudo-Celeb Super Adventure Club Roll Call!

And how about a hand for guest timekeeper, Clara Peller? Years before we smelled what the Rock was cooking, Clara captured the imagination of America by indignantly demanding, “Where’s the beef?” The question of why the Where’s-The-Beef Lady as guest timekeeper would motivate anyone to bolt to their nearest closed-circuit venue (which predated PPV) for WM2 is anybody’s guess. For that matter, why they haven’t tried to make this Mae Young’s catchphrase and then threaten anyone else who uses it with legal action is another noodle-scratcher.

Don’t look now, but that there is Pro Football Hall-Of-Famer Dick Butkus! Seriously, don’t look. It’s a terrible picture. Dick was on hand as one of two special referees for the WWF/NFL battle royal. Also, he has the same birthday as Kurt Angle (December 9). Didn’t know that, didja? See, you learned something today, and I got through this paragraph with only one pun on the guy’s name. Everybody’s a winner!

The other special referee for said battle royal was 1982’s NFL Defensive MVP, Ed “Too Tall” Jones! Despite his, uh, height, he added nothing to the evening.

And last but by no means least, give it up for America’s favorite headbanging house-husband, Ozzy Osbourne! Ozzy was ringside for the Bulldogs to witness their Tag Title win up close and personal. Fact of the matter is that Ozzy and Dynamite Kid had a great many things in common, but the only one I can mention without getting sued is that they both live in the UK.

With that, it’s now time to break from the Windy City and send it on over to Los Angeles! For the grand finale, WrestleCrap’s own R.D. Reynolds is standing by with a promiscuous vampire lady, a dragon, a transvestite, a rootin’ tootin’ hillbilly, King Kong, and the orange goblin! Hey Deal, whaddaya think about phony baloney backslapping segues where one person asks another an open-ended question?

Text by RD Reynolds

Open ended? That’s how I feel after watching those first two segments! (drum fill)

Hey hey, fellow Crappers, it’s your old buddy, your old pal, RD Reynolds here in Los An-Gel-Eez with the final leg of our WrestleMania 2 induction.

And yes, I do realize that this would give this induction a third leg. Somehow, given what we’ve seen thus far, and what is yet to come, a third leg seems appropriate.

Our opening contest is Hercules Hernandez versus Ricky Steamboat. This would have been early in Herc’s stint, as he’s decked out in the finest Gladiator apparel Aureus could buy. Unfortunately, same Roman coinage wasn’t apparently enough to get him a 15 minutes in a tanning bed, as this dude is way beyond pale. I swear I’ve seen fish bellies with better tans than that.

Steamboat did what he could, but it wasn’t much, polishing Herc off with a flying body press. Still, the match was a five star classic compared to our next encounter:

You want to know why so many old timers often mention that Adonis was an awesome worker? Hunt down a copy of this tape. The guy bounces around the ring like a pinball for Elmer, and actually drags this out of the negative stars in doing so.

Eventually, the pig farmer from Whereverthehell, Kentucky passes out or something (I’d rewind and check, but really, it’s UNCLE FREAKIN’ ELMER and neither you nor I could possibly care) and Adonis picks up the duke.

At far too long a last, it’s time for the main event of the evening: Hulk Hogan versus King Kong Bundy within the confines of what appears to be an elementary school jungle gym.

I kid, I kid – it’s the infamous BABY BLUE CAGE OF DEATH. Jesse claims this is the first time ever the title has been defended in a cage. This is actually a true statement, if you ignore the 2,789 times that it happened before.

Our crack commentators bring up the point that this match is somewhat unfair to Bundy, since ain’t no way he’s climbing over the cage. Thankfully, though, Jesse informs us that since Bundy did, in fact, fit through the door, he could escape that way.

Thanks, Guvnah!

You want to know just how powerful Vince McMahon is? Screw looking at his bank account or analyzing WWE’s global domination. Instead, consider the fact that Wrestlemania 2 was slated to be such a humongoid event that both Wendy’s and rival Burger King BOTH had participants on hand. I’m surprised Ronald McDonald (or at least The Hamburglar) didn’t do a run in.I should also probably kneel down and thank God Herb was at the New York portion of the show. No doubt if he was in LA, Elvira would have been asking to see his Whopper, and that’s something I just don’t need to hear (or see, for that matter).

L’il Ricky Schroeder and Robert Conrad

The Miracle Burger Connection’s opponents tonight would be the badass duo of Ricky Schroeder and Robert Conrad. Schroeder was your typical Tiger Beat heart throb, hot on television at the time for his role as Ricky Stratton in Silver Spoons. Yes, at one time that was consider a “hot” show. Don’t blame me, blame crappy 1986 American television.

Conrad was a long time television star, most notably famous for his role on the old cowboy show Wild Wild West. He was famous in 1986 for a battery commercial. I kid you not. And hot damn he should have been because what a commercial it was:

It started out with Roberto in leotards and racing towards a gymnastics vault. Sure enough, he hits it full speed, throws his body way up to like the moon or something and lands a perfect 10. This dude is sooooo the man, and I’m not just saying that because of his red sneakers and blue and white striped tube socks (well, at least I don’t think I am).

Then he vaults into a hand stand and pulls a battery out from…well…I guess his jockstrap or something. You laugh, but you don’t know yet what a badass mofo Bob Conrad is. I can totally see him walking around with an ALL PURPOSE POWERCELL in his pants.

“Don’t call this a regular battery,” he warns us. Coming from you, dude, I won’t. Anybody else, I’d say, “That’s one damn regular battery” but after your warning, I wouldn’t dare. He goes on to explains that if you need a nine volt for your calculator, you’re a total moron if you don’t buy an Eveready.

And then the coup de grace: he sticks the battery on his shoulder and dares you to knock it off.

Try it, bitch – I dare you!

I have no idea what the hell that means, but I promise if they ran that commercial today, kids would be walking the streets with batteries on their shoulders, daring folks to knock it off. It would be a whole gang thing, eventually with the real bad asses carting Die Hards on their shoulders.

Suffice to say, in a wrestling match pitting these folks against each other, I’m betting the house, the car, the wife, and the baby on the dude with the battery on his shoulder.

Oh yeah, the Hogan match.

Hogan wins.

And Bundy goes on to sell computers, probably powered by Evereadys. At least I hope so – because while I wouldn’t give five cents to see another Hogan vs. Bundy encounter, I’d pay top dollar to see a showdown between Bundy and Robert Conrad.

Well, this was quite the event. And while it took us 4,473 words to get to this point, I think we can best describe it in two.

God bless you, Susan St. James. God bless you.