It’s beggning to look a lot like…well, honestly, crap around here. Which makes sense, seeing as to what this site is called. I mean it’s festive and jolly crap, but crap nevertheless as today we head back a few years to WWE circa 2015. And let me tell you, what you are about to bear witness to appears to be from a completely different realm than the one in which we currently exist. So hang up those stockings kids – ol’ St. Nick is about to take a great big dump in them!
It all starts innocently enough, with Santino setting up a tree and some decorations in preparation for a big ol’ Christmas party for his wrestling buddies backstage. I know a lot of folks didn’t really dig Santino’s goofball gimmick, but if I’m being honest, he always made me laugh.
Well, almost always. That bit where he pretended to be a woman named Santina needed to die a thousand deaths.
But tonight, he’s just looking to spread some cheer. Unfortunately his Christmas festivities are about to take a very dark turn, as a mysterious red glove reaches in to steal the star right off the top of the tree! The super crappy star on top of the tree I should add! I mean, if you’re going to go to the effort of putting up a Christmas tree, don’t cheap out with a topper from the local Dollar Tree. And…you know, the more I look at it, the rest of the tree kinda sucks too. If that’s the kind of effort you’re putting into it, I really question your commitment to the holiday.
And others apparently agree with me, as we are about to get a “hey, remember those guys?” montage of ghosts of WWE’s past. Look it’s Adam Rose! Damien Sandow! That hot girl that danced with Fandango for a few weeks before they decided to cut him off at the knees! And here’s Tyler Breeze, the guy who I thought absolutely could NOT miss on the main roster and yet was gone in the blink of an eye. I absolutely LOVED that Prince of Pretty gimmick with the selfie stick, but obviously others in the company didn’t share my enthusiasm. That’s too bad. Everyone should always listen to me!
So Santino comes in and as you’d expect is completely distraught at seeing his party in utter shambles. Who on earth would want to do something so heinous? Who could possibly be such a dastardly villain so as to channel their inner Grinch and demolish a yuletide shindig? It’s exactly who you’d expect it to be:
CODY RHODES!
Yes kids, before he help found AEW, before he became one of the biggest stars in today’s WWE, he was just a dude super slumming in the company as Stardust, cartoon super villain that no one gave two hoots about. When you talk about the biggest turn arounds in wrestling history, Cody’s redemption is right up there with Steve Austin being a Ringmaster and Rock having people chant for him to die. How can you not give props to a guy who is able to dig himself out of this pile of garbage?
Seriously – he was saddled with VIKTOR AND KONNOR. Guys who got heat by smashing Christmas ornaments! And if you thought all of that wasn’t random enough, how about we say hello to another guy you might know, a guy known as Pac, who just so happens to be one of the best wrestlers I’ve ever seen in my life. How was HE being used in WWE at the time you ask?
Well, he was an elf with big pointy ears. Sure, it was a Christmas show, I get that. But this isn’t all that far from what Vince originally saw him as, that being a MIGHTY MOUSE character, since he was small and his ears were slightly larger than normal. Good gravy, no wonder nearly everyone wanted out of this company at the time.
Also coming to his aid would be Titus O’Neil. Great guy, fantastic role model, but every single time I see him I just remember this:
And I know I’m not the only one.
As if that wasn’t bad enough, we also learn that Stardust took all of Titus’ kids’ Christmas presents. You likely saw the title of this article and thought it was just cheap click bait, but turns out I wasn’t lying at all!
CODY RHODES LITERALLY STOLE CHRISTMAS FROM TITUS O’NEIL’S KIDS!
So yeah, we’re getting some dumb match between all these guys that no one on earth could have possibly cared about. But hey, before we head to the ring, I’d like to give you a Christmas present of my own, namely this completely absurd video with holiday wishes from Jon Moxley!
Dear GOD Almighty…I legit don’t know who was more miscast here, Mox or Cody. Someone really needs to corner Mox and make him watch that video just to get his reaction. I bet he’d be so angry he’d just start bleeding or something.
Second thought, seeing THIS again, I think I am going to go with Cody.
But hey, here’s Pac to remind us that he was an ELF, COMPLETE WITH POINTY EARS.
How on earth did this company stay in business and make it out of this horrible, horrible, HORRIBLE period?
So we get the match, and even though it’s totally random, we still get Pac being Pac. Or Neville or whatever his name was. Ok time out, real quick. This guy escaped being a Mighty Mouse character, but he was unable to avoid being named NEVILLE. When you think of total bad ass, does the name NEVILLE come to mind?
Or do you think of NEVILLE?
So Pac does some flips and such and makes the hot tag to Titus. Because when you think ‘hot tag’ you naturally think Titus O’ Neil, right?
Outside the ring, the heels corner Santino, who pulls out a sock in preparation of unleashing his Mr. Socko clone, the Cobra. Again, I can understand why people would think this was dumb, but it makes me laugh. Better yet, he instead uses the sock to wipe off his sweaty brow…which is a distraction tactic as NEVILLE comes flying over the top rope onto the pile.
Back into the ring we go, and we get a super flippy twister somersault doohickey. Dude is just phenomenal and I need to see him on my screen again soon. Why isn’t he in this tournament AEW is running now?
You know, I wrote that sentence and immediately thought, “There goes this as an evergreen article.” Then I immediately remembered that AEW runs like 47 tournaments a year so I am probably in the clear there.
So yes kids, your winners of this Christmas clash are Santino, Titus O’Neil, and Neville. NEVILLE THE ELF.
