Going to go away from the norm this week – what I am bringing to you is NOT the very worst of wrestling.
I know some folks have an issue when I do this, feeling that WrestleCrap should only be reserved for the absolute dirt worst that professional wrestling has attempted to shove down our throats so as to get us to buy tickets, watch shows, or heaven help us all, “entertain” us. Granted, that is in fact the case with 98% of inductions, but not today.
Consider this that lucky 2% of the time that something is actually amusing.
And who’d have guessed that would be due to Bobby “The Brain” Heenan?
I’ve said it a million times, so many times that I am not even sure why I am typing it up again. Whether it’s a pathetic attempt to increase word count or a hilariously misguided notion that there may still be new visitors to the site after all these years, I am not sure. What I can tell you is this: Bobby Heenan is the reason I became a wrestling fan.
To me, there’s never been a funnier person in the entire business…and maybe, in my mind, any business. All the fantastic squabbles, mishaps and trips with Gorilla Monsoon got me through some very rough times in my life. I remember being in college and at the absolute depths of depression and the only thing that helped me to sleep at night was watching VHS copies of Prime Time Wrestling playing over and over until the tape nearly disintegrated.
Bobby was the best.
Imagine my joy when a faithful reader sent me this gem, a vignette with Heenan in the WWF in 1990…a bit I had NEVER seen. Do you know how truly rare that is?
Do you understand now why I am forgoing business as usual?
But hey, I am guessing the keen eyed amongst you no doubt notice that isn’t Gorilla up there with him in that photo above. Bravo for catching that. No kids, that would be one Lee Haney…champion bodybuilder. Which means, of course, that we’re heading to another trip into the wacky world of the WBF.
But this time it ain’t that old World Bodybuilding Federation.
It’s the World BARBARIAN Federation!
Not sure about you, but the fact he showed up to do a workout in full ring gear is amazing. Show of hands, who else is a mega mark for the antlers?
Does Conrad own those? If so, think he’d consider a straight up trade of the Katie Vick outfit for them?
So yes, the Barbarian has invaded Haney’s gym and is looking to work on his physique. Poor Lee is more than a bit taken aback, very worried that things are about to go horribly wrong. He quizzes Heenan, nearly in tears begging, “Now look, man…my liability insurance…you know what I’m sayin’?”
Heenan: “Oh don’t worry, he’s totally tame today.”
Haney: “Remember, I got a wife and two kids!”
Heenan: “That’s your problem!”
So they head over to the bench press as Bobby fumbles dropping weights all over the place in the background. Bobby asks, “So we’re going over here to the horizontal vegamatic?” as Haney explains that they are going to work on the chest. He asks Heenan if The Barbarian understands how weight lifting works.
Brain: “Do you think he got this body by accident?”
Of course not, you morons – he used the horizontal vegamatic!
And thus Haney starts his routine, grunting and groaning as he does a set of 10 reps before handing it over to Barby for a go. Haney again questions if this guy really knows what he’s doing to which Heenan replies, “He can bench press two Buicks!”
At this point poor Lee nearly drops the bar on his throat.
The Brain grabs a newspaper as Haney quizzes him about where Barbarian got the fur and antlers. Bobby helpfully explains that his man doesn’t go buy them, but instead just goes out into the woods and rip pelts off animals with his bare hands.
If ever we needed this company to produce a vignette, that’s the one.
Here’s hoping it shows up as a Hidden Gem on Peacock one of these days.
I should note that throughout this whole skit, try as he might, Haney absolutely cannot keep a straight face. The best part is Bobby always waits until the guy is in the middle of a lift before dropping his one liners. For instance here Heenan notes that the weights are named after Hulk Hogan…
“…they’re called dumb bells!”
Maybe Haney (“are you that guy from Green Acres?”) did need that insurance.
The poor guy, in an attempt to regain his composure, then questions why Bobby isn’t working out with them. Sadly, The Brain explains, his luggage was lost in Laguardia. Also, he notes, he was promised a masseur. Lee explains that a masseur is a dude.
You can imagine Bobby’s response to that.
We start doing some flies next to help sculpt the chest, and Lee suggests they start with some 50’s.
Again Heenan attempts to cause a biceps tear with the following conversation:
Haney: “Bobby, do you think I would have a chance in the WWF?”
Brain: “I think so, definitely. We had a guy that carried the jackets to the back and he quit last week.”
Now I really should note that this entire session reeks of…well…uh…take a listen I guess and you tell me.
But be warned – it’s not really suitable for work!
(And yes, this was yet another one of those embarassing times where Mrs. Deal caught me creating the audio file. The things I do for you people.)
Seriously…what was the deal with the MUSIC there?
Did Coliseum video produce “those” kind of videos too?
In fact, this whole thing kinda smacks of some weird kink doesn’t it?
I mean, I guess if extreme closeups of biceps and nipples are your thing, this is the show for you!
Finally, we reach the end of the workout and you can tell Barbarian is very pleased with the results.
That or he’s having a very violent muscle spasm.
Won’t lie, it could be either.
And hey how about this?
Bobby gets the masseuse (not masseur!) he had been promised!
Barbarian reaching out, grasping for the lovely lady like he’s Frankenstein’s monster, may have been the best acting in all of wrestling for the entire calendar year.
I bet if this had closed captioning it would read “Pretty lady! COME BACK!”
But hey, whatever says Lee Haney. Let’s just hug and be pals!
Who knew that this completely obscure workout session is where the legendary phrase came from.
Bros before hoes indeed!