Wow! I was almost late turning my induction in this week. I spent almost 72 hours reading hilariously angry, misspellings-ridden Late Night Wars postings on various internet forums and articles AND watched all the Late Night monologues talking about the situation. Except for Jimmy Fallon and the nameless MTV reject that has blackmail pictures stashed away of NBC suits having a Caligula-esque orgy with Carol Channing and Dusty Rhodes so he can keep his job. If only people around the USA got this passionate and incensed about things that actually mattered in the world.
But dang it, NBC, YOU SCREWED CONANDO!!! HOW DARE YOU!! THIS ISN’T OVER YET!! COCO-WORLD-ORDER 4 LIFE!!!
Now that that’s outta the way, onto the induction.
Vince McMahon has made many enemies in his almost 30 years as owner of the World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment. It’s a veritable laundry list: you’ve got former employees, current employees, the United States government, the mainstream media, that guy who looks like Jerry McDevitt who owns the Denver Nuggets, people who have a panda for a logo, people who are owned by a company called Panda, old fogies like Ole Anderson, new fogies like Nailz, and…well, you get the jist.
But the question remains: who is Vince McMahon’s number one nemesis?
I’m thinking this guy.
The Big Cheese, the Creator of All Things, The Alpha and The Omega: The Almighty Omnipotent God Himself. Seriously, now, think about it. Who else could have more disdain for one Vincent Kennedy McMahon, Jr.?
I personally don’t believe that because Vince is like the Teflon Don of the Wrestling Biz. He’s survived negative publicity campaigns, criminal prosecution, bad business decisions, ratings wars and congressional investigations, but the man is still going on. I’m not a religious person (and if you are, that’s perfectly cool (Note from RD: glad I am perfectly cool!)) but if God does exist, I think Vince McMahon is one of his favorite people on the Earth he created. After all, how could he have gotten through so much?
(Note from RD: I strongly suspect a deal with Satan.)
But for a moment, let’s assume that God can’t stand Vince and his family for the sake of today’s induction. Because that’s what Vince sure felt like in 2006 when he and his son feuded with Born Again Christian, Shawn “I Kick Ass For The Lord” Michaels.
At Wrestlemania 22, the McMahon Family gathered in the back to give their patriarch words of encouragement before before Shawn’s match against Vince. Seeing pregnant Stephanie here, I can’t help but think Vince wanted either he or Shane to be the father of her baby there. Yeeecch. He orders them all on their knees (uh oh, this is going into Taboo sequels territory…) for a group prayer (whew!).
Well, more of a promo on God.
You know, if anyone was ever going to cut a promo on God, I’m not surprised it was Vince McMahon.
Of course, Shawn w…
Wait a minute.
Look at that image to our left.
This isn’t doctored. RD didn’t do color correction to jack it up. That’s what Vince actually looked like.
When George Hamilton and Hulk Hogan both think you’ve overdone it on the tanning, you have a problem.
I’ve seen many a Thanksgiving turkey that wasn’t that golden brown.
Where was I? Oh yeah…
Of course, Shawn wins his match against Vince, proving further in Vince’s mind that God isn’t letting up on making Vince’s life miserable with his million dollar empire, comfy, warm home and three square meals a day.
WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN HIM, COLONEL KLINK??!!
HOW COULD YOU LET HIM LOSE TO SHAWN MICHAELS??!
Vince’s response to this abject scorn from the Almighty?
He formed his own religion: McMahonism.
And he decided to found his church by signing himself to a tag match at Backlash 2006 along with son Shane versus Shawn Michaels and his tag partner….God.
That’s right, Vince booked himself into a wrestling match with God.
People in third world nations may go hungry.
Children may suffer with medical ailments.
But God is going to be sure to make it to the pay per view.
In preparation for the aforementioned tag match, Vince and Shane go to church.
Because that’s where Vince would find Shawn’s tag team partner, you see.
Of course, HILARITY ensues such as Vince saying the windows have “nice colors” and then trying to use his credit card at the collection plate.
Past the holy water Vince goes, but not before taking a swig and doing his best Triple H impersonation.
Gotta admit, that one was funny.
It’s so funny I’m sure Vince totally ad-libbed that because none of their writers can write comedy like that.
Then Vince talks to God by asking, “Are ya there, God? It’s me! Mr. McMahon!” Then says he and God have quite a bit in common (sound clip this part) but while God rested on the 7th day after creating, Vince never takes a day off which means he has a stronger work ethic. Which results in an audible hostile audience reaction.
So apparently, this audience views spitting holy water as acceptable, but when you start talking about WORK ETHIC, well mister, that’s where you cross the line!
Vince being Vince, he just HAS to add that he put Ted Turner out of business.
Awww, isn’t that cute? Vince is trying to take complete credit for the demise of WCW. If he secretly sent Vince Russo and Ed Ferrara as undercover moles to destroy the rival promotion with their crappy ideas, I’ll believe that.
But right now, Uncle Ted is enjoying life on his ranch in Montana with the distant, fading memory of WCW not affecting him whatsoever.
Somehow, I think the amount of hours in 25 years Vince has spent thinking about Ted Turner far outweighs the amount of nanoseconds Ted has thought about Vince in the same amount of time.
Vince then gets out his own personal bible (an 8×10 promotional photo of himself) and reads his own Commandments on the back. “I AM The Boss! Thou shalt not have any other Bosses before me!”
Oh wait, he mixed that up with Bill Watts’s WCW commandments! “And thou shalt not perform any maneuvers off the top rope or leave the arena until the final bell hath rang”.
Vince ends it all by promising to send Shawn to Hell and unleash the Apocalypse on him, the usual stuff you hear in the typical Undertaker promo, despite his opponent miraculously escaping Hell, i.e. their hotel room, to make it to the TV taping the next week.
And Vince has Shane read a prayer that involves being a product of his father’s semen but he understandably gets creeped out and stops it right there.
Can’t blame the guy for getting out of this Godforsaken company the first of this year.
Well the big day arrives for the Christian God’s wrestling debut…alright, quick aside, one of my favorite Paul Heyman lines on Raw was in reference to Christian Cage, “His parents had nine months and that’s the best name they came up with? My parents had nine months and they didn’t name me ‘Jew'”. HA HA!
Okay, back to the story. At Backlash, Shawn does a pre-match promo saying that while he doesn’t like to shove his religion down other people’s throats, he says that God will always be with him no matter what. Well that’s a good inspirational message. Maybe you really have changed for the better, Shawn.
“Hey Vern, the audience has got two words for ya!”
“Matt Hardy”?
Vince makes his way to the ring and takes over to announce God’s entrance.
That sucks, as I was longing to hear Lillian announcing God’e entrance. I bet she would’ve screwed up both his name and where he’s from.
I don’t know HOW she can but she would. “He has many names, The Holy Roller (WHAT!), the Hipster from Heaven (WHAT!), The Man Upstairs(WHAT!)”
Ah, the WHAT chants. Will they EVER get old?
(Note from RD: Yes. They got old after the third time Austin did that schtick.)
Actually, RD, I’d say the second time. You are far too generous.
Back to Vince: “From the Kingdom of Heaven, please welcome…..GOD!”
At this point, I expected this.
Or this.
Or maybe this.
Instead, we got a blue beam of light that went down the ramp with heavenly harp music.
Sadly, there were no angels with wings like in those old Three Stooges shorts.
Vince is quite surprised to see the beam of light, which we assume to be God. It could be Claude Rains.
He’s so taken aback that he orders “God” to stop and “God” obeys, lol. Vince says God should have a WWE theme and “get jiggy with it” so he decides to dance around to some hip hop while the beam of light comes into the ring. God’s theme should’ve been “Here Comes the Hot Steppa” by Ini Kamooze.
But I have to say, I’m kind of disappointed that they didn’t get a developmental guy to dress up like “God” and wrestle a tag match. RD called it on Wrestlecrap Radio, though.
(Note from RD: Yes, yes I did.)
Vince tells the ref to check “God” for foreign objects. You think he also wants Mattingly to shave those sideburns?
Then Vince changes his mind and says the match is now no DQ or count-out. And JR has an issue with that. Really? You’re going to question THAT?
Ugh, seriously, get on with it and have your match.
Shawn enters the ring, the match begins and sure enough, all references to God as Shawn’s tag partner are completely dropped as JR immediately announces that it’s a handicapped match of Shawn Vs. Vince and Shane. It seems like the beam of light went out for a pizza cause Vince pins Shawn with the help of THE SPIRIT SQUAD and the whole “God is Shawn’s partner” angle isn’t mentioned again.
And from that tiny acorn, we got a giant oak tree of crap in the form of the reformed DX Vs. The Spirit Squad.
But that’s a story for another time, Crappers.
This whole Gooker-nominated storyline proves that wrestling and religion are both well and good but don’t mix them. And for goodness sake, don’t mix Vince McMahon and religion.