Even though it’s been a few years since I last wrote a book for them, I’ve maintained a good relationship with the folks at ECW Press. And with good reason, when you think about it – they gave me my first crack at writing a book when they had no viable rationale for doing so. After all, I was just some hack with a goofy website wherein the longest ‘article’ was about 500 words. All of a sudden they were going to pay me – PAY ME! – to write a 80,000 word book? But they did, the first book sold well, leading to two more, The Death of WCW (with Bryan Alvarez) and The WrestleCrap Book of Lists! (with the always awesome Blade Braxton). As all the books performed better than expected, the great Jack David, head honcho up at ECW, asks me the same question about every six months.
“When you writing another book for us?”
“Just waiting for TNA to die, so I can write The Death of TNA.”
At this point, I don’t know I’ll ever be writing another book.
This is a company that should have died so many times, but always, always survives. Sometimes I hate the company. Sometimes I think it’s pretty entertaining. Lately, it’s been strongly in the latter category, as I am a total mark for Joe Park Esquire, Kurt Angle, Bobby Roode, AJ Styles…they’ve been on quite a roll. In fact, I can easily say that I look forward to Thursday night’s Impact shows more than the generic crap that WWE is pandering these days.
Again, though, sometimes I’ve hated the promotion. Actually, no, that’s not true. I just wished they would become better than what they were. They’ve had talented performers in the company since day one, and every once in a while, they’d do storylines that actually were interesting. So it wasn’t really something that I hated TNA, more that they just consistently underwhelmed me because it seemed they never set out on their own path. They just wanted to be WWE lite.
And the last thing I need in my life is two more hours of that.
I’ve written about the early days of TNA in the past, and while today’s induction isn’t as staggeringly awful as Puppet the Midget wanking in a trash can, it may be one of the most confusing ones yet.
Because I really don’t get who – or what – the enigma known as Trytan was supposed to be.
This is generally the spot in the induction where I write something like, “You remember Trytan, right?” then babble on for a few more sentences leading up to the two panel table in which I throw images on one side, text on the other, then reverse it as I dissect our subject. But I generally try to give some context before I do that, try to give some WrestleCrappy insight as to what was going on at the time, what was leading up to all this.
Today, instead, I simply give you this.
Yeah, it’s Ariel’s dad from The Little Mermaid.
His name was Triton, you see, so every time I hear about Trytan in TNA, I always think of him.
Now granted, I generally don’t think of him in the most fairytastic manner possible, as is the image I found here. Seriously, I don’t think I could have found a more…errr…flamboyant shot of the guy, but with the Good Lord Above as my witness and I am NOT making this up, that there is the first image you get when you throw “King Triton” into the Google engine.
Yowzers.
I need something manly just to bleach my brain of that image.
Let’s try this instead.
Yeah, Arnold with a SHOTGUN.
Doesn’t get much more MANLY than that.
Now you may be asking why I now have that image on the screen, but I can explain this one pretty easily. Basically, anytime I’ve heard anything about TNA’s Trytan, I’ve always heard that he was supposed to be a Terminator type dude. Was talking with Justin and I mentioned that I was going to be covering Trytan this week, and he said, “Oh yeah, the cyborg guy. That idea had merit.”
Justin Henry, everyone.
The man who wants a wrestling cyborg.
Anyhoo, after actually watching a few Trytan hype videos, I have to say I do see the similarities between Trytan and Arnold.
If Arnold dressed up in S&M gear.
Which I am pretty sure he didn’t.
And if he did, I sure don’t want to know about it.
Oh, and those hype videos? They also showed this image over and over and over.
Kinda looks like this, right?
So as best I can tell, Trytan was an almagamation of the Little Mermaid’s father, a bondage cyborg, and the Ultimate Warrior.
What else am I missing here…
…oh, I know!
In his hype videos, he just keeps walking around backstage, like he can’t find whatever it is he is looking for.
Now what, precisely, he is looking for, I have no idea.
I’d like to think it’s the can.
Precisely, my friend.
I have no idea what on earth I am writing about this week.
Baffling it is.
So after weeks of build up, TNA fans were delighted to get Trytan’s debut match against Monty Brown.
Ok, two things here:
1) For years, Mrs. Deal and I have had people calling our house asking for Monty Brown. This despite the fact that I have had the same phone number for, no joke, 15 years. I had it before there was a Monty Brown in wrestling, and for years afterwards. I still get the random call for Monty Brown, and it is always from women who sound to be approximately 147 years old. So to an ancient ladyfolk who are looking for Monty Brown, please…he don’t live here.
2) Monty Brown (well, the Monty Brown I saw on TV, not the mystery man who grandmas would call me about) was actually a pretty charismatic wrestler, and eventually wound up in WWE. It being WWE, they had to change his name, and thus dubbed him Marquis Cor Von.
Seriously, Marquis Cor Von.
I hear “Marquis Cor Von”, I envision something like this.
Come to think of it, you know who would have been great in that horrible WWE ECW?
The ECW Musketeer.
You know who needs to be inducted at WrestleCrap.com?
The ECW Musketeer.
Let me write that down.
In case you can’t tell, I am trying to avoid talking about this epic encounter. Like I said, I always thought Monty Brown was pretty ok.
Trytan?
Well, him’s real big.
Here he is nearly killing poor Mr. Brown with a botched press slam…
…and followed that up with a big boot so mistimed that Monty seemed completely perplexed as to what he was even trying to do.
Then he just kinda ran at Monty and flew over the top rope.
Yikes.
Following punch after punch and kick after kick, Monty finally gets control and goes for The Pounce.
Only to have the lights go out.
And how about one more seemingly random image to close this out?
Yeah, (Thankfully Not Naked) Mideon.
Because that’s who showed up under a hood to attack poor Monty as Trytan scampered away.
And somehow Monty pinned him.
This counted as a win.
Over Trytan, who had left the ring, pretty much to never be seen again.
Kinda like my brain, which I think has overloaded from this induction.
Baffled I am.
BAFFLED.