It’s taken years. Even I don’t know how many. But I do know, unequivacably, that it has taken years. It’s been in ways my worst fear, my unconquerable foe. And yet here I stand before you, staring death in the face, all for you, my loyal Crappers.
For the day has finally come when I will review Thunder in Paradise II.
Now for those of you new to the Crap, let me recap a bit. In the mid 1990’s, Hulk Hogan had decided that wrestling wasn’t for him, and rather that he was going to make his mark in the world of (non-sports) entertainment. To that end, he landed several movie roles (including such stinkeroos as Santa with Muscles and Mr. Nanny), and was even able to procure his own television series, Thunder in Paradise, with several of the two part episodes packaged together and sold as films by Vidmark.
I’m thinking after having watched the first film, replacing the “V” in that company’s name with an “Sk” would be far more appropriate.
The first film nearly broke me. As you can probably surmise, it’s not often that I cannot make it through something horrible. I live for it. Films like Cat in the Hat, Waterworld, Battlefield Earth…bring them on. The crappier the better.
But Thunder in Paradise…it was the film that nearly did in my love for bad cinema. The lethal combination of Terry Bolea’s wooden acting and the script writers’ ability to rip off both Baywatch AND Knight Rider simultaneously almost caused my tiny pea brain to shut down completely. But I made it through, yes, yes I did.
And I’m ready for another round of Hulk Hogan’s Nautical Nonsense (which, come to think of it, would have been a far superior title for the series).
We begin today’s adventure with not Hulk Hogan nor his dingy, but rather with what appears to be two girls macking.
Maybe I have the wrong tape. If so, I am very glad.
Awwww crap, nope, there’s the title. And on second glance, it actually appears that it may be two guys. You know, I could see Hogan, just for kicks, forcing ed Leslie and Brian Knobbs to swap spit.
Nah, on third glance, it’s definitely chicks, and sure enough, girls frolic on the beach and splash down water slides.
You know, if it was just this for 90 minutes, it wouldn’t be so bad.
But sadly, predictably, it’s not, as we move into the “plot” as it were. There’s some jibber jabber about a dream hollow from the voodoo chick from the first rendition of this nightmare which is so boring and seemingly pointless that I cannot even command my fingers to do a screen grab of it.
Especially when I can use those valuable kilobytes to present this fascinating shot of our hero Spence (Hogan) fighting sword wielding bad guys in what is supposed to the middle east, but it looks more like the middle of a Six Flags theme park.
Now if Hogan was fighting that creepy ass Mr. Six guy, well, there’s something I’d pay to see.
Especially if the clashed swords while his theme music played in the background.
But no, hell no, sh*t no, f*ck no, it’s not something FUN like that. No, soon enough our heroes are back aboard Thunder (or as Homer Simpson would call it, “Knightboat – the crime SOLVING boat.”)
Horrifically horrible overacting ensues. And I mean HORRIBLE. I remember when I first saw Hogan the thespian in No Holds Barred, I thought, “Man he sucks.”
But then I thought, “No, he REALLY sucks.”
But then I thought, “Well, maybe he’ll get better in time.” Amazingly, I’ve seen tons of Hogan flicks since then (I’m a masochist that way), and no joke, his acting gets somehow WORSE every single time.
Amazing.
So anyway, our heroes don’t get too far before they are blown up in a fiery explosion.
Hey, some days this job isn’t so bad after all!
Sadly, this is not, in fact, the shortest and therefore greatest Hulk Hogan film ever made, it’s just Hogan’s kid having a bad dream.
Cut to some wacky prince guy, complete with the most stereotypical genie pants this side of Ali Baba. In fact, I don’t even care what this dork’s name is, for the rest of this review, he IS Ali Baba.
You might recall that the last time I reviewed one of these stupid shows, I also renamed a character (there was some old fart I dubbed “Jack Tunney”). Now before you blast me for having no originality, allow me to state that sometimes, in order to make it through this stupid movies, all for your enjoyment I might add, I have to do something to amuse myself. Or at least make it more interesting.
I mean, it’s not like the Shockmaster is just showing up out of the blue or anything.
Ok, maybe he is.
And he’s not alone!Oh yes, kiddies, hidden behind the world’s saddest Fidel Castro costume would, in fact, be EL GIGANTE/GIANT GONZALEZ, who you’ll recall was so impressive heaving barrels around in the original.
Remind me should the RD Reynolds: A Lifetime of Crap ever make it to the big screen to NOT hire the casting director behind Thunder in Paradise.
Anyway, he blah blahs something in a manner or incomprehensible that makes one long for the articulate tones of the Great Khali.
You know what? I’m sorry kids. I just can’t do this. The acting and the stupidity of this plot and the fact that it’s basically the EXACT SAME STUPID MOVIE I’VE ALREADY WATCHED is too much for me to handle. I mean, hell, I’d rather spend the next two hours watching a movie in a language I can’t understand.