The Ultimate Warrior. The name alone sends chills down the back of even the most hardened wrestling fan. Whether you love Jim Hellwig or hate him, you have to admit he has an aura about him that makes people sit up and notice.
Oh yeah, and he was also involved in some of the dumbest angles of all time. Like this one.
Let’s set the Way Back Machine for the early 90’s…
Warrior is in a feud with a brand new guy called the Undertaker. You see, the Taker shoved the Warrior into a casket and locked it, which would, admittedly, tend to agitate most people.
Especially when you consider the rescue crew consisted of Earl Hebner and Rene Goulet (sans glove), who tried to open the casket with useful objects like drills and sledge hammers.
Anyhoo, the dipshit duo was finally able to open the casket and find a unhealthy (but not dead) Warrior passed out inside.
Warrior knew he was in over his head, so he needed to turn to someone who knew the darkside. Someone evil.
So who did he turn to?
Jimmy Jack Funk?
Koko B. Ware??
Lord Alfred Hayes???
No, silly, he turned to someone he could TRUST…
…our old pal, Jake “The Snake” Roberts!
Jake took Warrior on a nature walk to the dark side. You see, if Warrior could be evil, he could defeat evil. Or something like that. Jake can probably explain it better than I can.
First up, Warrior had to face the fear of the casket. Jake put Warrior in the coffin that the Undertaker constructed, and then convinced Warrior to let him close the lid.
Jake had Warrior exercise by doing a few of the Undertaker’s patented zombie situps.
So far, so good.
Next up, we head out to the cemetery.
Let it be known that no good in wrestling has ever come out of a cemetery (we hold up this and the Sting-Vampiro feud of this year as irrefutable evidence).
Warrior digs a grave and find a skull.
Jake convinces the Ultimate Nimrod that he should really let him bury him alive.
Warrior obliges because he’s stupid.
Jake does a nice job of filling in the grave, burying Warrior up to his ears. In a cute touch, he puts the skull face to face with Warrior.
I wonder if any cemeteries could use an over the hill, out of work drunk on the payroll?
Somehow, Warrior unearthed himself and met up with Jake in a crypt or mine or something – it was kinda vague.
Jake tells Warrior that the key to beating the Taker is in a dark room. Inside the room is a casket, and all the warrior has to do is open it up to find out what it is.
So the Warrior traipses into the room to find…
SNAKES!
Well, what the hell was he expecting? A leftover shipment of WWF Ice Cream Bars?
Warrior, undeterred (and too dumb to figure out this just MIGHT be a trap), heads for the center of the room to find a tiny casket..
…which is very carefully opens to reveal…
…a plastic snake!
With a BIG SMILE!!
It almost looks as if it were saying this.
Instead of falling down laughing, Warrior snuck in for a closer look.
Imagine the Warrior’s horror as the plastic snake came to life and fell down!
Somehow this caused the Warrior to start writhing about in pain. I guess he must have cut his finger on the plastic fangs on the snake or something.
Warrior cried to Roberts about trusting him…
…but Roberst showed no remorse, and instead, introduced his new catchphrase.
Jake then handed Warrior over to the Undertaker and Paul Bearer…
…who left him for dead.
Well, at least he already had a casket.
All this led, of course, to the big Jake Roberts – Ultimate Warrior feu…oh wait, no it didn’t. Warrior left shortly after this due to a contract dispute or something.
Or maybe he was smarter than we think, and just wanted to get out of this crappy angle.