The Nitro With NO Wrestling

Hey hey, fellow Crappers!! I’m BACK!

I believe I am now completely finished with the new Death of WCW: 10th Anniversary Edition. It’s written (40% larger than before!!!), edited, new photos picked out, the whole shooting match. Heck, you can even pre-order it right now from our friends over at Amazon in your choice of paperback, hard cover, or Kindle varieties. So yeah, help out the site and order and all that jazz.

One of the interesting things as we went through the book was the fact that there was a LOT of infamous WCW moments that have never been inducted here at WrestleCrap.com. I am going to try to spend the months leading up to the new book’s release to rectify that, so if you have any ideas on what we should add, comment away at the bottom of this page.

But there was one that I have always wanted to go back and revisit. With that in mind, I can think of no better place to start than rightchere…

Nash’s first move was to present a Nitro that featured no wrestling in the first hour. None. Not a single solitary match. You might recall that Nitro was a wrestling show. Apparently, Nash thought that wrestling on this wrestling show was unnecessary, and he booked the show like this to prove that they’d draw the same rating if they had zero matches in the first hour as they would if there were ten.

How on earth did I never touch THIS before???

The show opens as all good wrestling shows do – with ARC WELDING. Sparks fly all over as welders are fired up, wire is wrapped, and metal is grinded. Autocorrect wants to change that to “ground”, but I defy it – this is GRINDED. Also, completely random music is played in the background. I can only guess that maybe Garrett Bischoff just got a toy piano and was clanking away and his Dad thought it would make for good welding background tuneage.

The end result of all this welding?

A logo that we saw once and never again.

I know a lot of people hated the revamped WCW logo of later years, but it could have been worse. Just saying.

Once we get past Fun with Blowtorches 101, we get a flashback to Thunder from last week. Now newer viewers may not remember the glorious entity that was Thunder, but from 1999-2000, it legitimately may have been the single worst wrestling show ever to make the air. Fret not, I’m sure I’ll be inducting some great Thunder moments in the months to come.

Back to the matter at hand, that being the recap. You’d think that Ric Flair and Arn Anderson could make anything great, but this interview puts that to the test, as Ric rocks back in what appears to be a crappy folding chair like Uncle Joe from Petticoat Junction. That’s the least of our concerns, though, as the focus is of said interview is whether or not Arn should trust one David Flair.

Again for the uninitiated, David Flair is Ric’s oldest son. You know how much charisma Ric has? Suffice to say it wasn’t passed down, as David had virtually zero. Ditto his in-ring ability. Despite this total lack of…well…everything, he apparently somehow had a relationship with this woman:

Yes, that would be Stacy Keibler.

Let me reiterate: Stacy Keibler dated DAVID FLAIR.

Really.

In real life.

So she went from David Flair to George Clooney – with Test wedged in the middle.

Ain’t no two ways about it – that’s just WEIRD.

Speaking of, did you know that WCW was a pioneer in the realm of bounce houses and other inflatable fun? I didn’t either until I watched this show, as next up we get the Nitro Girls at Brown University. Now in the glory days of Nitro, this would lead to the girls partying it up at a frat house.

As this was now the decidedly NON-glory days, we instead get obstacle course meets moon walk:

I mock this, but to be fair if WWE did an entire episode inside the local Monkey Joe’s, I would totally mark out. Remember Crash Holly vs. the Headbangers at Fun Time USA?

No?

Here you go! Thanks, WWE YouTube crew!

Maybe now you could move some of this stuff (and PRIME TIME WRESTLING, for crying out loud!) to the Network we’re paying for?

See, told you. You may never want to see Randy Orton vs. John Cena again (I know I sure don’t), but I suspect you’d change your tune if said bout ended with an RKO off a giant blow up pirate ship.

Time now for a profile on Nitro Girl AC Jazz, who regales us with how she is not only the choreographer for the girls but also the CLOWN of the group! Plus she also has not one, but TWO dogs! Oh, and she is thrilled to do something so fun for a living and is able to support her Mom by doing so!

Hope you saved some money, kid.

Tough times are a comin’.

An announcement by the New World Order follows. This consists of a charming segment in which Hulk Hogan prattles on about how his son Nick hated him. Hated him even though he laced up his hockey skates, fed him, put a roof over his head, and took him to the emergency room when “Dad got a little too rough.” TMI, Hulkster. Despite all this, he’s a better father than Ric Flair, who’d rather hang out at the Marriot than with his family.

I cry foul on this being an “announcement” as it’s more a Hulkster therapy session.

Or life lessons for Ric Flair.

Not sure. Kinda confusing. Very long. Absurdly boring.

A Konnan video is up next. No, not a video showcasing his wrestling exploits, but rather a rap music video. WORD. We get to see cars bouncing up and down, break dancing, grabbed crotches, and a decidedly wacky pimp hat that makes Konnan look exactly like Zorro The Gay Blade.

Should also note there are actual real life dogs, but sadly not AC Jazz’s, which would have saved the company some much needed cash.

As best I can tell, the song is called “Bow Wow Wow” or “Yippee Yo Yippee Ay.” I say that because these words are repeated every three seconds throughout the duration of the four hour and 21 minute video.

Could be wrong.

Don’t care if I am, so don’t bother correcting me.

Back to Hogan we go, now joined by Nash on what may be your grandma’s sofa. They are watching a Flair interview, and now Nash is also explaining that Flair is a bad father. Also David’s father may be Buddy Landell. Hogan then says that Flair’s hot air will fill his shoes. Yeah, I have zero idea what any of this means either. NEXT!

Here’s a Lex Luger video. Unlike the Konnan video, this one is simply wrestling highlights, not Luger busting a groove. I am not sure whether to be happy or sad about this. Sad I think. Rapmaster Lex Luger has a good ring to it.

Time to hit the road, where Buff Bagwell and Scott Steiner have been pulled over by the police for swerving their Humvee all over the place. The cops determine that the best way to punish these men who nearly caused vehicular homicide is to give them POLICE BADGES and tell them to hand out tickets to those they see breaking the law.

So the boys stop women from smoking at the mall and…

…shake some dude upside down for change. Because, you see, his parking meter had expired. This fine police work leads to them being released with the officers saying they are “nice guys”.

Really. This is all taking place instead of any matches, interviews, or ANYTHING in the arena.

And hey, here’s Rey Mysterio being beaten up by Nash and the nWo. Yes, in yet another recap. Should also note that Rey is unmasked, because, well, Eric Bischoff thought he was unmarketable with the mask.

The same mask that WWE is still selling SIXTEEN YEARS LATER.

You know, the longer I watch this show, the less shocked I am that this company went out of business and more shocked it took as long as it did.

And we’re not done yet!

Because NOW we get to go join Hogan, Nash, and Torrie Wilson (in a sports bra?) at a SHOOTING RANGE. They discuss needing to come up with a new plan and decide to go out to eat. Despite having been at the range “all day”, she still needs two more hours to fire her gun.

Who on earth shoots a gun for eight hours a day?

Scarface?

Thankfully, we do get to see the trio having dinner. And they have a plan, as Torrie talks about a girl that is “so hot.”

Nash doesn’t believe that this mystery woman could be hotter than Torrie.

Torrie: “She is HOT!”

Hogan doesn’t believe it.

Torrie: “She is sooooo hot!!!”

Really, this is REAL DIALOGUE being used. And it goes on for like 5 minutes.

I’ll spare you that time by giving you this 2013 reenactment Planet Fitness (official gym of RD Reynolds!) did.

Same exact thing, just with no frumpy girl in a towel watching on.

Anyway, the HOT girl shows up and…

…well, she’s not hot. Her name is Mrs. Robinson, you know, like in that movie from 40 years ago. Ha ha, ho ho! The nefarious plan Nash and Hogan have concocted is to pay her $20,000 to do…something. I think sleep with Flair. Not sure if it’s David or Ric. Maybe Megan.

Again, don’t know, don’t care, don’t email, don’t comment.

And question: why was the nWo paying to show these bits on Nitro? Wouldn’t they be concerned Flair (David or Ric or whoever) might watch?

Finally, one hour into all this we finally, FINALLY, see a wrestling ring. And the book says…

And then, at 9:00, the first thing to air was a skit in which Flair challenged Goldberg and began to do the one thing he didn’t need to do: turn heel.

But that, my friends, is an induction for another day.

While you’re here, though, why not post a few WCW inductions you’d like to see as we run up to the book’s release in October?