It feels so weird to think that this induction I am penning tonight is the last new one to ever be featured on what is soon to be the old version of WrestleCrap.com. But in many ways, it is only appropriate that we end it this way. After all, I’m pretty sure the original induction I did of the original El Santa Claus was the first non-wrestling induction I ever did on the site…but more importantly, it was also one that I had the most fun writing.And trust me, the new version of the site is going to allow us to spend a lot more time to have fun actually writing!Now usually I take this part of the page to ramble on about this, that, and the other before I tackle the main induction, but seriously, what else can be said? These would be the short film follow-ups to arguably the greatest Christmas movie ever made!Let’s get right to it!
So first up, we get Santa and His Helpers. Now if you are a normal, sane person, you may be thinking thinking we’re going to see folks like Rudolph, Mrs. Claus, maybe an elf or two.
But if you’re thinking that, obviously your normalcy and sanity have never allowed you to witness the original El Santa Claus, where he fought the devil and his best friend was Merlin the Magician.
With the logic in the tank, when you see Santa’s helpers here include Puss n Boots, The Ferocious Wolf, and Stinky the Skunk, you can’t really say you’re shocked or anything, right?
Nor am I too surprised to see recycled footage of Santa at his workshop, explaining to his workers (ie, kidnapped children) that they need to get their work done, post haste!
We also get a recap of Santa’s madcap surveillance center, given to us by a guy who sounds like he was drugged.
You know, like behind a truck…and THEN then given some narcotics that slow his ability to speak.
Ack!
I don’t care how many times I see the Magic Tele-Talker, I am never not creeped out by it.
Santa looks through his Magic Eye and into what appears to be a completely different movie, filmed with what looks to be a home video camera.
Considering this was filmed in like 1960 or something, I bet that thing weighed a ton.
We see giant mushrooms and a sign for a Reindeer Barn, the North Pole, and Andy the Train.
ANDY THE TRAIN!
You know, if they’d ditch that Lord Tensai gimmick and rename the guy Andy the Train, I bet he’d be over like gangbusters.
Unless they dressed him as a giant rabbit.
So we get some blah blah about Merlin inventing the fifth dimension so that Santa can be wherever he wants whenever he wants, and…
Wait a minute.
Do I see a normal guy just walking around here in “Santa’s Village”?
You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d think they just filmed this at some theme park.
Oh that’s right, I do know better, as they put this in the opening credits.
C’mon K. Gordon Murray, you could have at least put SPOILER ALERT or something on the screen preceeding that!
Finally we get to meet a couple of Santa’s friends, Stinky the Skunk and The Ferocious Wolf.
They aren’t mentioned by name, but I deduced that is who they are because the wolf is complaining about how horrible the skunk smells.
I probably should also note that the wolf is carrying around what appears to be a shot gun, which indicates to me that he is, in fact, ferocious.
And if you think that GIF is just a loop, trust me, it’s not. This scene goes on and on and on and on for like 47 minutes, finally concluding in the wolf complaining about having an ulcer.
I’m sure the sudden appearance of Puss in Boots isn’t going to help that.
You know, if the voices don’t cause an ulcer, the sight of a giant cat and a giant skunk getting ready to consumate their relationship just might.
Thankfully, prior to them fornicating they all just yell at each other for minutes on end.
How these goofballs can in anyway be classified as ‘helpful’ to Santa, I have zero idea.
Apparently the big man agrees, as he heads over to see Merlin, who tells him more or less to stop bothering him and solve this himself.
Sho ’nuff, Santa shows up and tells these nit wits to quite fighting.
Actually, I should say Santa’s HAND shows up.
My guess is that the massive salary the actor who originally portrayed Santa would have been too exorbinant for this mini movie.
So the trio runs around like idiots, and we are then switched to what appears to be yet another film, in which toys are made.
Seriously looks like a snuff film to me.
And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the soothing, melodic tune that is pounded over and over and over into your skull.
So Stinky finds a metal grinder…
…and guns are made.
The End.
Ummm, what the hell did I just watch?
That seriously may have been the most randomly nonsensical thing I’ve ever seen.
Surely the next one, entitled Santa’s Enchanted Village, will be better.
Who knows, if we’re really lucky, maybe Santa will even show up for more than 20 seconds!
I will admit, this right here does not fill me with a lot of hope.
And if you think I just reused the same image, well, yeah, I did.
But so did this flick, so I like to think I am just being true to the source material.
This, though, gives me great hope.
MERLIN IS BACK!
He’s in charge of the kids who are in charge of making the toys.
(Note from Blade: Reminds me of another guy who was in charge of a bunch of impressionable youth – Charles Manson.)
Sure, it’s a completely different actor, but look at him…stroking his beard, in the most bothersome, creepy manner possible.
Things are starting off WAY better this time around!
Back to the village we go, and we are notified this is a special clock that reminds Santa of the time of the year.
Wish I had one of those – I never know when it’s January past September!
We also learn that each village Santa has contains a north pole.
Hopefully they all don’t have Stinky stroking them.
Puss shows up and tells Stinky to stop stroking his pole.
Wow did that ever sound bad.
Let me rewrite that sentence.
Santa’s other helper, Puss in Boots, shows up and tells Stinky to stop stroking his pole and get back to work at the toy factory.
That didn’t sound much better.
And am I the only one who doesn’t want a skunk building his toy?
Apparently it isn’t just Puss being annoyed, as Ferocious Wolf is so ticked that he seeks an audience with Santa (who is so blatantly obviously not the same guy it’s not even funny).
Santa’s reaction to Wolfy’s complaints about how Stinky is giving him an ulcer?
Laughter.
Nearly a minute straight of laughing at the poor guy.
Really glad my boss didn’t do the same thing when I told him I needed to have my throat scoped due to the stress our business was causing me!
And no wonder the Wolf is pissed – Stinky isn’t helping with building toys, he’s hanging out watching some puppet show…in which one of the puppets keels over, much to the horror of the children in the audience.
And again, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the background music here.
Never thought I’d say random smashing of an accordion would be a superior soundtrack to anything, but hey, you heard the one up above.
Wolfy confronts Stinky about his laziness, then beats him to a pulp right in front of the kids.
Their reaction?
They hide their eyes.
For like 10 seconds, while they wait for someone, anyone, to yell “CUT!”
Oh, and these kids?
I REALLY hope Macaulay Culkin writes them a royalty check everytime Home Alone gets rereleased.
Ferocious yells at everyone to get back to work (despite Merlin being ‘in charge’, Wolfy is the foreman, you see), and sure enough, more GUNS are made.
And no, you can’t make firearms without firearm makin’ music!
Santa shows up with his reindee…hey waitaminute!
Those look like REAL reindeer!
What happened to El Santa’s reindeer?
I bet these impostors don’t even laugh!
Santa is VERY pleased with the arsenal being manufactured…
…so he goes and laughs at Wolfy some more, who is for his part watching the puppet show all by himself.
The End.
Um, yeah.
Well, third time’s the charm, right?
Uh oh…I bet Mr. Murray is going to hear from Disney attorneys at any minute!
Yeah, again.
If that gun music makes a return (again!), I don’t know if I can make it through this.
This one starts differently, as we get a FIRST PERSON perspective of children walking up to Santa.
I like to think he just sits in the chair, all day long, doing nothing, just staring into space until someone comes in and says something to him.
“Let’s dispense with formalities!” Santa excalims, “Let’s go out to my sleigh and go for a ride with my reindeer!”
Now don’t get too excited – it’s not like the reindeer take off flying or anything.
Despite Santa’s badgering (he calls the reindeer LAZY for crying out loud!), they just walk slowly, delibriately, into a cave.
THRILLING!
But not as thrilling as Merlin showing up, shucking & jiving!
Merlin introduces us to the Easter Bunny at his home, which appears to be a dilapidated egg.
Sheesh, you’d think he’d be able to afford something better.
I mean Santa lives in a castle in a cloud!
And that?
Good old fashioned nightmare fuel that is.
Merlin further explains that this is the post office.
Despite the fact that it very clearly says “TOY FACTORY”.
The narrative then switches to Puss, who runs out to greet a pumpkin carriage.
I was going to write something about how that wasn’t in any Chistmas carol I’d ever heard, but come to think of it, neither was Merlin, skunks, or wolves.
Or firearms.
And when the princess shows up, man…even I have to admit she’s quite the looker.
The cat apparently agrees, making a sound I can only describe as Pussgasmic.
Anyhoo, she’s all distraught because of an OGRE, so Puss heads out to find him…
…and there he is!
I guess.
I dunno, looks like a kindergartener’s first time goofing around with clay to me.
It freaks Puss out completely, though, causing him to hump the ground in fear.
For the record, I am thrilled I’ve never seen anything, in my entire life, that has caused the same reaction.
Theory: Santa was building up a munitions stockpile just in case of such a catastrophe.
Especially following a threat such as this!
Puss runs back to the village…oh my bad, wrong flick.
I mean of course he runs back to the KINGDOM…and gathers up everyone to prepare for battle.
You know what, these things maybe haven’t made a lick of sense, but if we get Santa, Mrs. Claus (making her first appearance!), Puss, the Princess, Wolfy, Merlin AND the Easter Bunny forming an army, using all those guns, taking down a giant ogre?
ALL WORTH IT.
So we get shots of a tree…
…and Santa looking at said tree…
…then more shots of the tree…
…then Mrs. Claus looking at the tree…
…then more shots of the tree…
…then the Princess looking at the tree…
…then more shots of the tree…
…then some girls talking about where they’re going to eat after this thing wraps up…
…concluding with, yep, you guessed it, more shots of the tree.
We also get audio of Merlin doing…something…to defeat the ogre.
Not quite the visual special effects extravaganza I had in mind, but really, I should have expected nothing more.
On the plus side, Merlin dances around like a fool…
…and the Princess sings the worst song you ever did hear (and yes I’d argue it’s just as bad as when another Princess, the one named Leia, sang about LIFE DAY).
The End.
And that’s that!
And with that, I bid you adieu…but not before I let you, my fellow Crappers, know your gift from everyone here at WrestleCrap.com will be coming a bit later than December 25.
But sometime in January 2013, we think you’ll agree that your present was well worth the wait: the new WrestleCrap is on its way!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
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