Tables vs. Ambulance Match

Tables Vs. Ambulance Match - Who Knew These Two Inanimate Objects Hated Each Other?

WWE is trumpeting the fact of late that they’ve just put the last 80 or so eps of WCW Monday Nitro on the Network. Good for them.

Better for us.

Actually, I should say BEST for us, because if you are on this here website, that means that you yearn to see the absolute worst of pro wrestling and you will find nothing more horrible that I know of over an extended period than WCW in the year 2000.

Seriously, just pick any random Nitro from the summer of 2000 and you will find something horrendous on there.

No joke, as I was looking for this particular match that someone suggested, I found a series of clips where Major Gunns attempted to seduce Ralphus while Van Hammer made a stinky face looking at his backside. This somehow led to a segment where Ralphus and Norman Smiley washed a car.

With WHITE PAINT!

HA HA HA!

HO HO HO!

HEE HEE HEE!

But hey, let’s say bad comedy isn’t your cup of tea. Maybe you prefer abject tastelessness? Then let’s go to this flashback where Kanyon is thrown off the roof of a triple decker cage and rendered “paralyzed”…

…in the same arena where Owen Hart felt to his death.

Yep, WCW had it all.

And ironically, that angle led to this match we are here to discuss today. And it’s one I’ve never heard of before – a TABLES VS. AMBULANCE MATCH!

As noted above, at this time Kanyon was “paralyzed”, unmoving and in a halo, courtesy of Mike Awesome. Prior to the match, we get an exclusive sit down interview with Kanyon, who explains that it’s not a question of when he is going to walk again, but IF he is going to walk again. This leads to what may be my new favorite animated GIF in the history of WrestleCrap:

Mike Tenay nodding.

I’ve never mentioned it before, but a life-long goal of mine would be to do an induction using solely imagery I’ve made iconic at WrestleCrap.com. I can think of only one reaction to such a post.

Would it even be possible to do such a thing?

More importantly, should I ever try it?

Nah, probably better not. That would get mighty old mighty quick.

But hey, wait a tick. This looks just like the set Tenay interviewed Stacy Keibler in during an induction I wrote a couple years ago. I was going to say, “I need to do a compilation induction of all the Mike Tenay porn set bits”, but then I realized that would put me behind on the compilation induction of all the Lee Marshall Road Reports. Not sure I could sleep at night with that knowledge.

TO THE MATCH!

Mr. Awesome makes his way to the ring mocking Kanyon, sporting the same halo and wheelchair. While he is doing so, we get commentary from Mark Madden that is so completely horrible no less than Tony Schiavone claims he’s gotten stupider just listening to it. I kinda felt that way about anything Mark Madden ever said, which is why I pretty much had the last year or so of Nitro on constant mute.

OH! And a guy in the crowd has to poop. See, we used to get interesting signs like this all the time on wrestling shows, especially on Nitro. I vividly remember a giant sign that read “I have haemorrhoids!” with a cut out so he could scream when the camera picked him up. I’ve not stumbled upon that yet on the Network, but when I do, you’ll know it as it will be my profile pic on Facebook.

Anyway, Awesome does the best he can with his horrible dialogue, talking about how he needs a sponge bath and makes an Ironside joke. Dang, that joke references something so old and vague even >>>>I<<<< had to look it up. When the guy who came up with all those Mike Check bits has to do research to get the joke, it’s probably best to leave it on the cutting room floor.

Awesome’s foe shows up and it’s The Wall. No joke, I was trying to remember what the guy even looked like, and the image above is the best the crack WCW production crew could give me. Fortunately, it gives me an excuse to post this video, in which Hulk Hogan is able to tell who the guy is even though he’s like a mile down the road and 37 stories up in the air.

Indeed – THAT’S THE WALL, BROTHER!

Man I miss the Hulkster. Only he could make something so absurd sound even more absurd by telling him to “come down and get some”.

As Scott Hudson explains the rules (“Put your opponent through a table, put him in an ambulance!”), Wall attacks Awesome with such fury that he splits his pants.

avt-09 Yep, WCW 2000 had it all.

Following this trouser tearing onslaught, Wall comes running at Awesome as he is standing beside the ropes. If you’ve even seen one battle royal ever in your life time, you know how this turns out.

But wait! Despite the bell ringing and Awesome being announced as the winner, the chaos continues as Awesome’s New Blood crony, Shane Douglas, appears to waffle Wall with a lead pipe. The two carry The Wall to the back where an ambulance awaits. But wouldn’t you know it, this ambulance isn’t empty!

Kanyon’s co-hort DDP shows up with a chair and smacks Awesome with it, throwing him inside the ambulance whilst also giving him a massive wedgie. Does that mean Wall has now won the match? Or is Awesome still the winner?

I’m so confused.