You know this vaunted first ever WrestleCrap Garage Sale we’re running? Here’s a secret: it’s not even the first garage sale I’ve run this year. See, Mrs. Deal and myself decided to clean out the attic and try to sell our trash as another man’s treasure. Worked pretty good, too, as we sold everything from an old screen door to a broken seed spreader.
Want to know the difference between one of these inductions and WrestleCrap Radio? In the induction I can write the words “broken seed spreader” and then just go onto my next thought.
On the radio program, Blade would make some dumb joke about how his girlfriend tells him his seed spreader isn’t broken.
Then I sigh.
Then the crickets chirp.
Those of you who don’t listen to the show? THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE MISSING.
So yeah, we had this garage sale, and we sold a bunch of stupid stuff that was just taking up space at WrestleCrap HQ, a lot of which was old video games I’ve not played since the turn of the century. I mean, sure, Superman 64 may have been fun back in the day, but…hey wait, that game always sucked. Why did I have that piece of s*** in the first place?
Probably the same reason I had THIS piece of s***: because I am an idiot.
And now, thanks to the WrestleCrap Garage Sale, YOU can be the idiot. Because I like sharing the stupidity like that.
And what stupidity WCW Superbrawl, launched WAY back in 1991 on the Super Nintendo, is.
Now in the game’s defense, it features a full dozen of WCW’s biggest stars at the time. While we sadly don’t get an El Gigante, we do get everyone from the Steiner Brothers to Ricky Steamboat to Brian Pillman to Rick Rude to Sting to…
Johnny B. Badd!
You want to know the best part of picking Johnny B. Badd in this game? The description underneath his smiling mug. No, not the sentimental pap about “keep your body and mind clean, and always strive to be the best that you can be.” No, the part where it says he was a former US Boxing Team member.
Why is that so great, you ask? Because I swear the first time I played this, I thought it said he was a US BOWLING Team member.
You know, with all the dumb reality shows on TV these days, I really think some place like E! or Bravo could sneak in “League Night with Johnny B. Badd” and do decent ratings.
Whoooooooo!
It’s the Nature Boy himself!
Well, the Nature Boy as voiced by some teenage, minimum wage earning intern.
That’s seriously the weakest “Whoo!” of all time.
In fact, it doesn’t even deserve an exclamation point. Not sure what a reverse exclamation point is, but someone needs to invent it so I can rewrite this induction with that dohickey.
Dustin Rhodes is also in the game. That’s him to the right. Why is he making that face?
Absolutely no idea.
But I do know this much:
IT’S NOT RICK STEINER’S FAULT.
In case I’ve not mentioned it yet (and I’m pretty sure I haven’t – I’d go back and look, but I’m far too lazy to put that much effort into this column), this game has a TON of audio, especially for the period in which it was released.
That’s good.
The bad is the audio is largely horrible, with guys saying random things that make no sense at all.
I’d go on and on about this particular weakness of the game, but honestly I am too mesmerized by whatever it is Rick Steiner is doing there to continue.
So anyway, here we are, ready to go: Big Van Vader vs. Ricky Steamboat.
Things look ok here, right? Maybe Vader looks a little more Butterbean than he should, but again, for the time, these graphics aren’t the worst I’ve ever seen.
But then the “action” starts and it all goes straight to hell.
Remember when “The Dragon” used to do this move?
Or when he rode a stick pony around the ring?
Or when he would hold the ropes open for his foe, only to have them shove their craniums up his anus?
Yeah, me neither.
And what is with that ref? He looks so polite just looking on at these events.
That or he really needs to take a piss.
Your guess is as good as mine.
Again, no idea what is going on here.
I’d tell you to “use your imagination”, but with Vader on all fours and Ricky looking like he’s ready to mount him, that may not be the best advice.
Especially when the ref sounds like a guy from Deliverance.
So yeah, it all pretty much sucks. But if you’re like me, you know what would make it all better.
A heapin’ helpin’ of Tony Schiavone!
And lucky us, as Tony sticks his head out every once in a while to yell at us.
Sadly, he never once said it was “the greatest night in the history of our sport.”
I guess even his honesty can only be stretched so far.
The biggest issue with the game is actually not gay porn finishers, but the fact that it all moves in such a herky jerky manner. Seriously, I’ve played hundreds of wrestling games in my day, and I have never been more confused in my entire life as to what, pray tell, was going on.
You hit buttons and stuff happens, all in glorious two-frame animations. Now granted, these two-frame animations are running at what I believe to be 568 frames per second. I was actually concerned my TV set was having an epileptic seizure.
Want to play this game without actually buying it? Then go grab a game controller. Don’t hook it into anything, just get it and sit there. Now look at the image to your right and start hitting buttons on the controller at random.
I guarantee you – I GUARANTEE YOU! – that you just had more fun playing this game than I ever did.
But hey, you know, games back then were usually pretty darn horrible. Surely things have improved in the last 17 years, right?
Silly earthling. You’d be begging for WCW Superbrawl after being subjected to this:
It’s the WWE Plug & Play game. No need for some fancy game console, with this dealy you just pop some batteries into the controller and shove the plugs right into your TV. The game is right inside the controller! WOW!
And what a game it is! It features 10 WWE superstars, and no joke, the very first one you see is…
Eugene!
So you get into the game and start bashing buttons. But unlike WCW Superbrawl in which you do this and random things happen, in this game random things do not happen.
No, in this game, no matter what buttons you push…
…no matter what direction you push the control pad…
…no matter what profanities you scream….
…you just keep doing a DDT.
Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
After your 373rd DDT in a row, sometimes, mercifully, the game will throw you a bone and you’ll go for a cover.
But unless your opponent has absolutely ZERO health, he will kick out, usually at one.
I say “at one”, because I think – THINK – that this sound indicates that the ref is counting.
Never thought I’d miss that hillbilly ref from WCW Superbrawl, but at least he spoke something resembling English.
And that’s pretty much that. Both of these games are absolutely atrocious, so if you dare to bid on them, well, don’t blame me. I’d be just as happy to throw them in the trash.
Where they belong!
WORST. WHOO. EVER.
No idea who: “It’s not my fault!”
Hillbilly ref counts to seven.
Tony Schiavone blabbers on like an idiot.
Absolutely no idea what sound this is. Where’s Johnny 6 when you need him?