If you’ve been following pro wrestling for, oh, ten minutes or so, you know there is no shortage of goofy match types. Right off the top of my head, we get tag team matches, triple threat matches, strap matches, chain matches, dog collar matches, inferno matches, tuxedo matches, cage matches, blindfold matches.
Oh, and those last two? Cage and blindfold?
Don’t ever combine them.
I mean, just on its own merits, a blindfold match may be the stupidest match ever devised. Take two guys, cover their heads, and have them go at it. I mean, it’s great if you have a couple of geeks out there and you are playing it for laughs. Even your old buddy, your old pal RD Reynolds did one (and it was horrible – you can watch it here if you dare and if you like THAT, then you should pick up the Worst of RD DVD). So yeah, if you want to look really dumb, and you have no athletic ability at all, it’s the match for you.
But such was decidedly not the case when TNA broke up one of their hottest acts a few years back in America’s Most Wanted, a team consisting of James Storm and Chris Harris. Storm is still one of the company’s top stars, but things haven’t gone as well for Harris, and to me, that’s a shame. Maybe it’s just because I worked with Chris back in the day, but I always liked him, his horrible stint as “Knock Knock” Braden Walker aside. So this should have made for great TV with some great matches, which we did get.
Eventually.
But to kick off this blood feud, we got the two guys squaring off in a BLINDFOLD CAGE MATCH.
And it was actually worse than it sounds.
I’ve talked a bit about Harris, but haven’t said much so far about Storm, who I think is pretty good.
At least when he’s not wearing some stupid hat.
Which he isn’t here.
But he used to wear airbrushed headgear all the time, and boy did I detest that. In fact, I wrote all about it in one of my final columns at Fighting Spirit :
Surely you’ve seen the goofy spiked cowboy hat he’s wearing these days. Editor, surely you have a picture of it for those who haven’t, right? Good. Then dear reader, I want you to take a good, long look at that image. That right there is the very epitome of how to NOT look like a star. No, you wear that hat, and you look like a second-rate, wanna be pro wrestler. James Storm may be a “cowboy”, he may be a talented worker, he may be a talented talker. But once you put on THAT hat, you don’t look like a world champion. No, you look like a guy who went to the mall (or worse, the local carnival), and paid $20 bucks for some one to airbrush a hat you got a thrift store prior, a guy who would then head to some two-bit independent show in which he hopes to get a large enough “pay day” to recoup the cost of the paint job.
So yeah, I think it looks horrible.
But hey, if you want one, get out your Mastercharge and have at it.
(Oh, and as an aside…if anyone can help me compile my old articles into a cheapy Kindle dealie format, please drop me a line here. Thanks!)
…yeah, he’s got an eye patch.
I forgot for a second that was the premise behind this dumb match, as Storm blinded his former partner.
Now I’m not against angles like this, unless they lead to blindfold matches.
Which they almost always do.
So on second thought, I hate them.
Yep, sure do.
As is normally the case in such an encounter, the ref, one Rudy Charles, puts what appear to be black pillow cases on the guys heads.
And for the record, I am REALLY glad these hoods are black.
Last thing we need is someone thinking there was a Klan rally near the Shrek 4-D ride.
The match begins, and it’s every blindfold match you’ve ever seen.
Except way, WAY slower and more drawn out. With the Good Lord above as my witness and I am not making this up, it’s over four minutes into this match before someone makes contact.
And unfortunately, that contact happens when Storm grabs Rudy by mistake.
I won’t lie – I did that one in my match too.
I also won’t lie – I kinda hoped for more out of James Storm than a horrible doofus like myself.
Still, I have to give these guys props for what happened next, as Charles spins Storm around just to make sure he doesn’t have an unfair advantage.
You know, like you do with a blindfolded child playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey.
In fact, I’d almost argue that watching Storm and Harris in such an encounter would have been a better use of my time than this.
And apparently I’m not along in such thinking, as the fans start a “We Want Wrestling!” chant.
But I do have to ask this: you came to this show, knowing that these two were going to be having a blindfold cage match.
And yet, somehow, you were expecting WRESTLING?
They’re Impact Zone fans, Man.
Don’t look so surprised.
We get more comedy as Storm whips Harris into the ropes, with the Wildcat grabbing the ropes and Storm flailing wildly with punch after punch. Not sure why he just kept punching. Maybe he thought they were in a 50′ ring and eventually Harris would come back his way.
And then a whole lot more nothing ensues, and soon enough those “We Want Wrestling” chants become “BORING!” ones.
Even the patented “drop on an elbow on no one” spot fails to garner much of a reaction.
At least when Martel did it, people laughed.
Eventually, Storm actually grabs Harris, and attempts to gouge his eyes.
Which is kinda hard to do since he has a hood over his head.
I’d continue to scoff at such stupidity, but I’m more baffled at the moment, as this move somehow causes Storm’s hood to fly off his own head.
Not even sure how that is physically possible, but sure enough it happened and there’s your evidence.
The bafflement (is that even a word?) continues as Storm finds the cage, and attempts to climb out.
I know he’s a heel and all, but attempting to climb out of a cage while being unable to see sounds like a pretty idiotic strategy to win this match.
But hey, somehow Harris finds Storm climbing up and joins in the fray.
This again despite neither man being able to see.
I should also note that as they fall back down into the ring, Storm’s hood falls off again.
And the fans chants of “BORING” have now turned to “Fire Russo!”
Funny backstory there: following this encounter, Dixie Carter did an interview saying how dumb the fans were since Russo didn’t even book this.
She did not follow up by saying how stupid she herself was for putting on such a match that had fans chanting for someone to be on the unemployment line.
And now Harris’ hood falls off, and he hits a full nelson slam.
Did they put bacon grease inside these things?
But hey, don’t worry – Rudy soon enough puts the mask back on Harris.
Because this match really needs to continue.
Harris thanks Rudy by accidentally putting him in a Sharpshooter.
A Sharpshooter which Charles escapes in record time.
All this excitement leads the crowd to inexplicably start chanting “GOLDBERG!”
Impact Zone fans, Man.
Impact Zone fans.
So we get more buffoonery, and then Storm’s mask falls off yet AGAIN…
…which allows him to superkick Harris in the chops.
Oh, and the ref didn’t see this because the Sharpshooter had somehow blinded him as well.
Maybe there’s some connection between lower back pain and ocular issues I am unaware of.
Regardless, Charles is able to see that Harris’ shoulders are down and he counts the pin.
I don’t care about the absurdity of all this, as I am simply happy the match is over.
Well, that certainly was terrible.
And I am very sad, because this ends our Tiffany streak at four straight inductions.
There was definitely nothing worthy of a YAY! here!