Several years back when my 400 disc Blu-Ray changer (yes, such a thing exists) conked out, I decided to move all my discs over to Plex. For those of you unfamiliar with that bit of technology, just imagine all the DVDs and Blu-Rays you own magically transported to your own personal Netflix (and if you’re unfamiliar with that bit of technology, well, I can’t help you). It wasn’t an overnight process to RIP all my discs; I had well over 1,000 DVDs, movies and TV series of all sorts on physical media. But persistence and a small farm of computers working nonstop for a few weeks, and boom, I had it all at my finger tips. Want to impress your friends? Have them over to watch Captain America: Civil War, then right before the big fight scene at the airport where Ant-Man rips off Apache Chief, switch over to The Star Wars Holiday Special.

That’s the kind of power you have with Plex.

The power to alienate whatever friends you may have ever had.

With all the discs ripped, it didn’t make sense to have the cases out any longer. All the discs wound up on spindles; the cases in giant crates thrown into the attic. All that physical media was nowhere in sight…save for a stash I have on a shelf in my closet.

And they’re all wrestling DVDs.

Why I didn’t finish up and move these to Plex, I really don’t know. It wouldn’t have taken THAT much longer to get those on there too, and I do have a select few DVDs on Plex. The Bobby Heenan DVD is there, as are the Randy Savage releases. But by and large, I’ve never bothered to move the other stuff over. The other day I was in my closet staring at the space being wasted with that shelving unit and thought about finishing the job.

Then I saw this.

Sweet Christmas. Another Hulk Hogan movie. Still in its shrink-wrap. Someone must have sent it to me years ago (my money’s on The Big Cheese, Paul Kraft) and remembering the story of Pandora’s Box, I just never dared to open it.

But try as I may to run from the horrors of my past, in many ways, WrestleCrap.com was founded on schlocky Hogan movies. It seemed like every other week I was inducting one of his cinematic disasters. Santa with Muscles, No Holds Barred, Thunder in Paradise…I get douche chills just thinking about those. And I’m a man and thus have absolutely no idea what that sensation even would be. I just use the term because I laughed like a hyena when Triple Kelly mentioned that in an induction years ago. Still, a lot of people look back fondly on those times so what the heck, let’s just dive in headfirst and see what kinda stupidity we get with Shadow Warriors 2 (aka Assault on Death Mountain)!

The movie opens with a mysterious muscle man doing various karate poses on a beach. We’re never shown his face, just his jacked up bod and flowing blonde hair. Now if you are truly pondering who this mysterious martial arts master is, well…

…you’ve not seen as many of these things as I have. Consider yourself lucky.

On the other hand, you’ve lived your life without seeing cinematic glory such as this:

Two minutes in, and I’m pretty sure I’ve already overrun my data limit for the site for the next six months. I don’t care. Hogan in a ridiculous wig doing high kicks into forward rolls climaxing by throwing ninja stars was worth whatever the folks hosting this site want to bill me.

Hogan stars here as Mike, who leads a crack commando squad featuring the likes of Apollo Creed (Carl Weathers). While Roy (Creed/Weathers, and yes I will refer to him as such) gets ready for battle by getting liquored up, we learn that Mike is more mystical in nature, preferring to rely on his dreams instead of standard recon intelligence. I wish I could have been in the pitch session where “Hulk Hogan: ninja star throwing philosopher” was suggested (and then accepted!) as a viable movie hero.

Fast forward to San Domingo, where we get a drug deal going down featuring Gene Simmons’ girlfriend/wife/Playboy Playmate, Shannon Tweed. Now if you were around in the 1990s, you’ll know her. Especially if your video watching revolved around Cinemax After Dark. The difference between this film and all the others? Well, here Shannon remains clothed…

…and speaks with the dirt worst hispanic accent you ever did hear as she seduces a DRUG LORD. On second thought, maybe it’s not hispanic. Could be Russian. Off chance Yugoslavian.

Tell you what, I want you, yes YOU, the geek/nerd/poindexter/shut-in living in a Unabomber shack reading this, to listen to it, and post your (humorous please) guess in the comments section below. Best answer by December 1 gets a free $10 PayPal for making me laugh. I need amusement in my life, especially when I am writing about garbage like this.

No sooner should I type “Shannon remains clothed” than she seduces some drug dealer by letting loose her Gookers. Never thought I’d see nudity in a Hulk Hogan film, but…well…after the last couple years I guess I can’t really finish that sentence. Still, watching something I think probably aired on TNT originally, gotta say that was pretty jarring to see. Hulk Hogan doing flips AND nipples in the opening credits?

This movie ain’t messing around.

From there we go to the JUNGLE, where Mike is running around with his commando unit. As the team…you know, no, I can’t. What the heck is up with Hogan’s hair there? Did he seriously look in the mirror and think, “You know, this is a good look, brother!” I mean, I guess the answer to that would be “yes” because we got this movie with that wig. Ok, I will try to finish this induction without harping nonstop on that ‘do. No promises.

The rainforest is home to the mansion of Gallindo, the cocaine kingpin Shannon was having fun with earlier. The team takes out some of his henchman by placing explosives on their trucks and shooting them with blow darts.

“Never jams!” Mike gleefully informs us.

The Hulkster descends on the Gallindo, only to be sabotaged by one of his own men, an evil Aussie. Remember when Orndorff turned on Hogan? Yeah, this was nothing like that. I should also note that the main gangster looks like Stuart Smaller’s younger brother.

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. And my drugs. Probably mostly my drugs.”

As Mike is playing bearskin rug to the nefarious nogoodnik, the rest of his team is being shot and nearly blown to smithereens in a sequence that lasts approximately the next six weeks.

IMDB doesn’t list a budget for this cinematic opus, but I’ve gotta believe at least 94% of the money put into it went straight to the pyrotechnic crew. Seriously, stuff just keeps blowing up to the point of comedy. By the time it’s over, your retinas are in dire need of relief and you’re pretty much wanting to see Hogan kicked down a flight of stairs.

I mean, sure, that’s always a good time, but more so after what I’ve been subjected to thus far.

Side note: my son came in just as I was finishing that animated GIF. He had a question for me.

“Is that Chewbacca?”

I know the site will be in good hands when he takes it over.

Mike…screw that, HOGAN…is taken before Gallindo, who promises to chop off his head and send it back to the States. And he’s going to send that head back “STUFFED WITH COCAINE!” I’d like to strike that Stuart Smalley insult back, as that is an awesome and very specific threat.

Sadly his efforts to play taxidermist with Terry Bollea’s noggin using psychostimulants are thwarted as Shannon goes double agent, kicking him with a roundhouse and coming to the Hulkster’s aid. And Hogan does his part by flinging throwing stars and then mightily tearing handcuffs apart with his mighty might. The duo then take Gallindo hostage and head back into the jungle, with Shannon asking the Hulkster “Who the hell are you?” in a decidedly non-MexiRussian accent, before they snorkel away from the island.

Now if you read that and thought, “You know what would really make this great? Hulk Hogan fighting with a shark in hand-to-jowl combat…

…followed by blowing up said shark with dynamite”…

…today’s your lucky day!

And if you thought this film could not possibly get any better following that, I present you with…

…JOHN KREESE SHOWING UP ON A SUBMARINE!

Yes – the dude who told Johnny to “sweep the leg” appears ON A U-BOAT!

Turns out that he is COMMANDER POWERS (!!!!!!!!!), Hogan’s superior officer. But the Hulkster ain’t listening to him, brother! He’s resigning from the Navy Seals to go after the dead body of a friend he left behind. And Shannon Tweed is coming with him!

Which we learn in the most absurdly framed shot in cinematic history!

Sadly, it did not hold this distinction long, as a mere two minutes later, we got Hulk Hogan laying on a hammock…

…as lingerie-action Shannon Tweed looks on lustfully.

Somehow this transitions to The All-American Gymnastics Team getting an award and going to the Bahamas. No idea how or what or why. Just reporting the facts.

And then, in a major swerve, it turns out the pilot is actually the guy that shanghai’ed Hogan earlier in the film. He explains that if they do what they’re told, they’ll all get rich writing books about this ordeal. If they don’t, they’ll be writing their obituaries. Not to nit pick, but I’m pretty sure the timing of events would make that not even possible.

Anyway, they kidnap the team and will only release them if Gallindo is set free. As you’d expect, the US government wants to cave in like pansies. Now I know what you are thinking – who on earth could possibly save those flipping kids before the exchange is made?

If you guessed John Kreese, Apollo Creed, Wacky Wig Hulk Hogan, and Shirtless Shannon Tweed, step up and claim your prize!

Our amazing foursome immediately heads to the shark infested waters of Devil’s Island, with Kreese transporting Gallindo by plane while Apollo, Hogan, and Shannon go in underwater. As Hogan was living in the Florida Keys and this is in the Bahamas, that’s quite the swim.

And hey, Devil’s Island? Wasn’t this movie called Assault on Death Mountain?

Where’s the mountain?

A bizarre stalemate is encountered, in which Kreese says he’s just going to fly around the island until he actually sees one of the hostages. The Aussie responds by bringing one of them out and having one of his cronies hoist them over their head. I don’t know if that’s supposed to scare us or what – they kinda look like they’re doing a floor exercise.

Naturally, the exchange doesn’t go as planned, as Gallindo simply tells his men to take Kreese hostage and to not release the prisoners. Hmmm, that was kinda a stupid plan – it was just Kreese in a plane dropping off the villain to other villains holding guns. What did he expect would happen? And how was he supposed to take 27 gymnasts back in a plane that only held two people?

Meanwhile, Apollo and Shannon split up in an effort to rescue hostages. And just as you’d expect, they get the guns out.

And by “guns”, I of course mean “barely covered breasts.”

Meanwhile, Hulk fights yet another baddie utilizing advanced fighting techniques.

And by “advanced fighting techniques”, I of course mean “goofy Street Fighter II kicks he would make fun of cruiserweight wrestlers for doing.”

Anyway, the real bad guys, Evil Aussie and Gallindo, attempt to make their escape aboard Kreese’s plane. But if you thought the Hulkster was going to let them escape that easily? No way, brother! He hops in a boat (sadly not Kreese’s submarine) and chases after them…

…and lassos them with a hook! He then promptly tosses the Aussie into the water where’s devoured by sharks, which elicits the following reaction:

Is Hogan happy here? Sad? Bemused? Gassy? You know that thing above where I asked for you to tell me what accent Shannon had? Nix that. Instead, you get the $10 for telling me the Hulkster’s innermost feelings in this image.

With the Aussie dead, Gallindo back in jail, and the acrobats rescued, there is but one thing left for our heroes to do:

Deliver ice cream.

Well, that movie was about 67% what I was expecting. Tough guy Hogan, evil nemesis, those you knew we were going to get. Shannon Tweed going au naturale (well, as naturale as that much plastic will allow) not so much. There were more explosions per frame in this film than any of the other Hogan films I’ve reviewed. Not sure if that’s a plus or minus. In the end, I mean, it was nowhere near as bad as say Santa With Muscles, but that film didn’t feature Kreese showing up in a U-Boat, so it’s not really a fair comparison.

Man…how do I really feel about this one?

Yep. Exactly.