VHS Tape, 1987 Text by RD Reynolds Special Help for this Induction Provided by the Awesome Sucio from the F4WOnline.com Board .Be sure to check him out on Twitter by clicking rightchere!
First things first: no, I have NOT posted this before. I can understand why you WOULD think that, as years ago I covered “EXPOSED: Pro Wrestling’s Greatest Secrets Revealed!” (hey look, a bonus Classic Crap!). And while this one covers basically the same material (with notable absence of a Stunt Granny), there is one huge, HUGE difference: it came out in 1987.
Think about that for a bit.
We were all young back then, many of us children, and we had just seen the epic encounter between Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan and thrilled to Savage-Steamboat. We were immersed into wrestling, totally buying whatever Vince was selling…only to have the curtain pulled back and our fun ruined.
Or maybe not, because I hadn’t even heard that this thing existed until last week.
Whatever the case may be, let’s pop this sucker into our JVC HR-3300EG and check it out!
The complete and utter dissection of professional wrestling begins with a muscley frame opening up his gym bag to reveal…welll…smoke.
And I don’t mean just a little smoke.
Seriously, look at that.
That there is a LOT of smoke.
I don’t know what that guy has in his tote, but I will say this: it ain’t good and I bet it would never make it past airport security in our post 911 world.
And hey, what’s this?
Why, it’s a guy pulling up his tights…
…and proceeding to give himself a massive wedgie.
What on earth am I watching?
Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.
I do hope, though, that you never did such things. Gotta believe it would cause colonic issues for you later in life.
The tape notes that while the participants are masked, they are true professionals, having battled on national TV, all over the country, and from Japan to the Middle East.
All of this means only one thing:
That smoking bag did not belong to Otto Wanz.
This also means Big Otto’s rectum is likely not being suffocated by spandex, a fact that I bet his fan Rridige is very happy about.
And honestly, as horrible as some of the stuff has been that has hit my TV in just the last year, it probably wouldn’t hurt to have the folks in the ring these days watch this thing.
Think I’m joking?
Then let’s take a quick comparison.
Who runs the ropes better?
…or the girls in TNA?
How about an attack from behind?
These guys (gotta love the THUMBS UP!)…
…or Randy Orton?
Seriously, do I even WANT to know what he’s doing there?
What looks better?
Or whatever this was supposed to be?
I will say this, though. In the art of back bumping…
…Dave Batista is up there with the best of them.
Could stand to work on his timing, though.
Now sure, I’ve found some of the worst of the worst, but it’s not like botchery of this nature isn’t rampant every single week on WWE and Impact. Next time I watch Kelly Kelly try to run the ropes, I am sure I’ll be longing for the technical expertise of Blue Mask vs. Red Mask.
Oh, and one more thing I’ll be longing for: a no-holds barred slugfest between Stunt Granny and UNDERCOVER LEE MARSHALL.
Yeah, you know...the WrestleCrap guy. Been here since before day 1, I have. You can hang out with me on Facebook. (I'm on there quite a bit) or follow my exploits on Twitter (I'm on there not quite so often).
Thanks, and Keep on Crappin'!