First things first: no, I have NOT posted this before. I can understand why you WOULD think that, as years ago I covered “EXPOSED: Pro Wrestling’s Greatest Secrets Revealed!” (hey look, a bonus Classic Crap!). And while this one covers basically the same material (with notable absence of a Stunt Granny), there is one huge, HUGE difference: it came out in 1987.
NINTEEN EIGHTY-SEVEN.
Think about that for a bit.
We were all young back then, many of us children, and we had just seen the epic encounter between Andre the Giant and Hulk Hogan and thrilled to Savage-Steamboat. We were immersed into wrestling, totally buying whatever Vince was selling…only to have the curtain pulled back and our fun ruined.
Or maybe not, because I hadn’t even heard that this thing existed until last week.
Whatever the case may be, let’s pop this sucker into our JVC HR-3300EG and check it out!
The complete and utter dissection of professional wrestling begins with a muscley frame opening up his gym bag to reveal…welll…smoke.
And I don’t mean just a little smoke.
Seriously, look at that.
That there is a LOT of smoke.
I don’t know what that guy has in his tote, but I will say this: it ain’t good and I bet it would never make it past airport security in our post 911 world.
And hey, what’s this?
Why, it’s a guy pulling up his tights…
…and proceeding to give himself a massive wedgie.
What on earth am I watching?
Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.
I do hope, though, that you never did such things. Gotta believe it would cause colonic issues for you later in life.
The tape notes that while the participants are masked, they are true professionals, having battled on national TV, all over the country, and from Japan to the Middle East.
All of this means only one thing:
That smoking bag did not belong to Otto Wanz.
This also means Big Otto’s rectum is likely not being suffocated by spandex, a fact that I bet his fan Rridige is very happy about.
Next we get footage of the masked narc lifting weights on rusty equipment as a bizarre combination of guitar riffs and synth warbles in the background.
But that is nothing compared to the next shot.
If I didn’t know better, I’d suspect that the camera was mounted to this guy’s navel.
Actually, I DON’T know better, so it just might be.
Only one word for that: bothersome.
But hey, if you’re getting bored of the weighlifting (and I sure was), don’t worry – the gym is soon taken over by…
SMOKE!
No idea what the director of this thing paid for his smoke machine, but he was going to make DARN SURE he got his money’s worth out of it.
Meanwhile, we get “a payoff at a secret arena.”
Sounds thrilling!
Even MORE thrilling is that said secret arena is guarded by what appears to be Lee Marshall wearing dark sunglasses, pack of cigs rolled up in a sleeve, and a mighty, MIGHTY mullet.
You know what? Screw the Stunt Granny.
We’ve got UNDERCOVER LEE MARSHALL.
But before we get more UNDERCOVER LEE MARSHALL we get…yeah, MORE SMOKE.
Oh, and two guys in hoods driving up in a fancy Corvette.
At least it all makes sense now – obviously their car has some horrible exhaust issue. Better get that thing to Midas stat, fellers.
And yes, it is time to go behind the scenes and learn EVERYTHING about pro wrestling.
And what follows really is pro wrestling 101.
Following the intro with all the dry ice overload, wedgies, and of course UNDERCOVER LEE MARSHALL, I was expecting it to be completely atrocious…but it’s not.
In fact, what follwed was a decent primer on things like how to properly take bumps, run the ropes, and sell.
Sure, there’s some stupid “Hey, look at how fake this all is!” commentary(although I do love the guy’s “HELL NO!”) but this thing did hit in 1987, so I didn’t find it as grating as that one with Sabrina’s cat that came out in the late 90’s.
And honestly, as horrible as some of the stuff has been that has hit my TV in just the last year, it probably wouldn’t hurt to have the folks in the ring these days watch this thing.
Think I’m joking?
Then let’s take a quick comparison.
Who runs the ropes better?
These guys…
How about an attack from behind?
These guys (gotta love the THUMBS UP!)…
…or Randy Orton?
Seriously, do I even WANT to know what he’s doing there?
What looks better?
This?
…Dave Batista is up there with the best of them.
Could stand to work on his timing, though.
Now sure, I’ve found some of the worst of the worst, but it’s not like botchery of this nature isn’t rampant every single week on WWE and Impact. Next time I watch Kelly Kelly try to run the ropes, I am sure I’ll be longing for the technical expertise of Blue Mask vs. Red Mask.
Oh, and one more thing I’ll be longing for: a no-holds barred slugfest between Stunt Granny and UNDERCOVER LEE MARSHALL.
