If you ever doubt how much we love our readers, go rent this bomb from your local video store. It is without doubt, the most innane, painful, and anti-humorous “comedy” ever made. Hulk Hogan makes Ernest (God Bless Jim Varney’s soul) look like an Academy Award winner. Hell, this thing even makes Body Slam look good!
Where to even begin. God, this thing sucks. I knew it was going to be painful, but even I didn’t know just how bad it was going to be. I recruited Merle to come over and watch it with me and my girlfriend. Neither of them survived the whole film.
But I, for your enjoyment, stuck it out. You people damn well better appreciate it!
Ok, let’s just take a deep breath and I will give you a run through of the entire film.
The video sucks even before the feature presentation, as it has a preview of yet another Hulk Hogan film, this one entitled “Secret Agent Club”. Hogan plays a “toy store owner by day, secret agent by night”. He dresses like a nerd and things happen. It looks terrible, but it can’t be much worse than this…
SWM starts off with Hogan sneaking up on a big palatial estate. All of a sudden, people start attacking him with various deadly weapons, like WEED EATERS.
Hogan fights back with DISHWARE.
We learn that the evil doers actually work FOR Hogan. You see, THEY ATTACK HIM TO KEEP HIM IN SHAPE.
It turns out that Hogan is actually a guy named Blake. who, according to the film, is the “richest man in 10 states.” He hocks nutritional goods with his picture on them. He’s an egotistical jerk who bitches about his picture being too small on the products.
Well, at least Hogan didn’t have to stray too far from character on that.
For fun, Blake likes to have PAINTBALL WARS with some of his cronies. He drives around in a hummer and shoots a police car with some paint. Then he makes funny faces at the cops.
In danger of being caught, he hides in a shopping mall and finds a Santa suit. He then falls down a shaft and gets AMNESIA. When he wakes up, he really thinks he’s Santa.
As Mick Foley wrote in his book, amnesia angles NEVER get over.
As Blake is being Santa to some kids, a couple of hoods try to steal donations for the local orphanage. The bad guys attack Santa with GIANT STYROFOAM CANDY CANES, but Santa Blake fights them off. He then decides he needs to go to the orphanage.
Meanwhile, LENNY THE EVIL ELF finds out that Santa is really Blake, the rich guy. You see, he recognized who he was after looting through his wallet. Lenny decides he can make money off of Santa, so he befriends him.
Cut to a house with BIG STEAM PIPES…
We learn that the house is inhabited by Ed Begley Jr., who is a weirdo by the name of Ebner Frost who lives in fear of GERMS.
Merle: “I’ve seen David Lynch movies that make more sense than this!”
We also learn that he wants to demolish the orphanage for some reason.
Frost has some equally evil cronies, such as an EVIL ARCHEOLOGIST, an EVIL DOCTOR, an EVIL PERFUMIST, and an EVIL ELECTRIC WOMAN…
…who ALL pale in comparison in pure evilness to an EVIL ORIENTAL ED LESLIE.
Yes, Ed “Brutus the Barber Bootyman Man without a Face Butcher Zodiac” Leslie.
And I SWEAR I am not making ANY of this up!
By this time, Hogan Claus has shown up at the WORLD’S SMALLEST ORPHANAGE, which contains 3 children, a woman who oversees them, and GARRETT MORRIS, of SNL fame.
At this point, the bad guys show up in an ICE CREAM TRUCK and try to run over Garrett Morris, presumably for no reason other than the fact that he’s Garrett Morris.
Santa Hulk stops the truck by grabbing a chain.
At this point, Merle can take no more and leaves.
The papers get wind of Steroid Claus, and dub him “Santa with Muscles”, hence the idiotic title of this idiotic film. Here on out, that’s how we’ll refer to him.
In the meantime, one of the three children at the World’s Smallest Orphanage make Santa with Muscles a new suit.
My girlfriend: “He looks like a Village People Santa.”
Santa bonds with the children in a church pew, and mutters my favorite quote of the film: “Fairies?”
For some reason, the kids go SPELUNKING under the World’s Smallest Orphanage. They find a CRYSTAL MINE WITH EXPLODING GEMS. If you barely drop them, they BLOW UP.
Remember that, because it’s important later.
Anyway, one of the nerdy kids tells them she knows exactly what they are.
Later, the Evil Doctor attacks Santa with Muscles and they fight in the bell tower of the World’s Smallest Orphanage.
Santa with Muscles easily defeats the Evil Doctor, despite his horrific one liners.
As Santa with Muscles is enjoying the thrill of victory, an EVIL ANIMATRONIC SANTA throws him out of the tower!
At this point, my girlfriend can take no more and SHE leaves too, forcing me to fend off the horribleness myself.
Santa with Muscles wakes up in Blake’s bed. Apparently, some garbage men brought him home.
You see, the GARBAGE MEN WERE THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THE WHOLE MOVIE TO RECOGNIZE HIM, EVEN THOUGH HE WAS THE RICHEST MAN IN 10 STATES!
Who the hell wrote this? Vince Russo?
Santa with Muscles feels remorseful for being an egotistical jerk and goes back to save the World’s Smallest Orphanage.
Along the way, he runs into the law again headed up by Ron Howard’s worthless brother, Clint Howard. The police force fires a BAZOOKA at Santa with Muscles, who deftly STEERS OUT OF ITS WAY EVEN THOUGH IT WAS FIRED AT POINT BLANK RANGE.
Clint then screams what I had been feeling throughout the whole film.
Santa with Muscles infiltrates the World’s Smallest Orphanage, which has by this time been taken over by Frost and his band of goons.
Hogan runs right into EVIL ORIENTAL ED LESLIE, and uses the CRANE TECHNIQUE from the Karate Kid movies to defeat him.
After defeating the goons, Santa with Muscles runs into Garrett Morris, who is sitting quietly in a room. Morris explains that Santa with Muscles actually grew up in the World’s Smallest Orphanage with his best friend…Ebner Frost!
No, of course that doesn’t make sense, since Santa with Muscles doesn’t recognize Frost.
Of course, this leads to a final battle with Frost in the mine, where Frost suddenly DOES recognize Santa with Muscles, and explains that he hates him since he had nothing and Santa with Muscles had everything.
They then start “sword fighting” with two shards of crystals. The ones that if you barely drop them, they BLOW UP, remember?
Well, they clank them together for about 10 minutes without a scratch.
Santa with Muscles defeats Frost. Suddenly, the crystals go nuclear and the mine starts to collapse. Everyone runs out to safety and the World’s Smallest Orphanage implodes.
Then, in the movies one truthful moment, every one gives their opinion of the film.
(See, everyone is holding their nose due to a stench. Sadly, the acting is so bad that still photos may not be able to get that across).
Naturally, all the kids move into Santa with Muscles’ house. Actually, not just the kids – EVERYONE, including Garrett Morris (who is now Santa with Muscles’ gardner) and Lenny the Evil Elf, who sunbathes.
Everyone lives happily ever after, except for me, my girlfriend, and Merle who are permanently scarred for life.
If you really appreciate Wrestlecrap and all the horrific stuff we wade through for your amusement, do us a favor. Go over to Internet Movie Database RIGHT NOW (here’s the link) and give Santa with Muscles a 1 out of 10. If enough of us vote, we can get it to register as the WORST MOVIE OF ALL TIME, which it truly deserves. It’s almost there now, so if it gets a few more “1”s, we can make history.