For years I’ve heard of this movie.
Seemingly ever since I did the very first Christmas movie induction, it has been suggested, and every year, I find something else to pen. I think part of that is due to the fact that while I am a sucker for terrible holiday films, and have obviously paid witness to a great many of them, this one I’ve never seen. And by “never seen”, I don’t just mean sitting on the couch and watching it, I refer to not finding it somewhere to rent or buy.
Consider that – I’ve been hitting video stores since they came into existence, in various cities and states, and not once have I crossed paths with it.
But for all you have been pining for it year after year, today is your lucky day.
And let me lead by saying this – I’ve never been more optimistic about just how bad something can be within five seconds of a movie, as the opening credits contain what may be the most off-key and tone deaf yule log you ever did hear. And I’ve heard kids screaming about “Hooray for Santa Claus!” as well as a coked up Carrie Fisher somehow shoehorn holiday lyrics over the main theme of Star Wars.
Additionally, it gives us our first plot device – as we learn that Santa is missing. Why this needed to be done in song form I do not know. But songs are something we’re going to have no shortage of today, so yeah, crank those speakers, kids!
First bonus of the day – the kids…err, elves, I guess…teach us that stuffed animals are created with hammers. That contraption you see when your four year old daughter drags you to a Build-A-Bear Workshop? Apparently that’s an actual piece of production equipment. Who knew?
A very eerie female narrator (I’m sure they were going for charming, guessing the director’s wife or whomever this is just couldn’t quite reach that level) explains that Santa is actually stuck on the beaches of Florida, with his reindeer having flown back home without him. She further explains that the sun in Florida is much hotter than the sun at the north pole. Thanks for the fun fact, Creepella.
Of course, Santa’s predicament begs a number of questions, not the least of which would be why he would plan his vacation BEFORE Christmas. I mean, when I have big projects, I scramble to get them done so I can then take some time off, not vice versa. For instance, this induction – I’m penning it first, THEN taking time off to relax over the holidays. Otherwise you might get that image above maybe around Valentine’s Day.
Maybe someone should quarantine the fat man in his workshop starting like Thanksgiving as he always seems to run into trouble that keeps him from smoothly doing his job in the week before he’s supposed to be flying out and getting us goodies.
Remember when I said this movie started with the worst Christmas song ever? St. Nick attempts to top that with a delightful ditty I am going to dub “Woe is Me.” Generally I wouldn’t give myself the right to simply name musical tracks, but pretty sure you ain’t finding this one over on iTunes. You know, unless some hipster trio did it to be ironic and cool.
Further, I should note that while Santa is bellowing out his pity party, we are presented with completely random imagery of children with seemingly zero clue how to ride skateboards attempting do so, two boys wrestling (or maybe just fighting, who knows), and jumping off roofs with giant umbrellas.
What? You thought I was joking?
So Santa falls asleep, yet somehow we hear his voice yelling for the children to come help him. They get up and run through a junkyard to his aid.
Again, whatever I write here today is the truth, not exaggeration. I ask that the picture above will serve as a sign of goodwill that you can trust me on everything I write moving through the rest of this induction.
From there we get a shot of two kids on the river, and dern tootin’ if they’s not Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer! But you don’t even get a second to attempt to wrap your brain around this, as we are assaulted with yet another musical number. On the plus side, if you didn’t like the vocals earlier, this one is a treat. But beforewarned, the singing has been replaced with horrible humming or kazoos or some unholy amalgamation of the two.
Ten minutes into this film and I am looking for sharp objects with which to puncture my eardrums. Listen at your own peril!
The kids gather ’round Santa and attempt to come up with ideas on how to get him out. One such suggestion is the same one I had – why not just get on a plane and fly back to the north pole? But Father Christmas blows this off, saying that he’d then be without his sleigh. Truth be told, Santa, that’s a pretty horrific looking sleigh anyway – why not just have the elves build you a new one? I need way more presents under the tree just for myself than what that pile of crap you’re sitting in could carry!
Anyway, the kids run off and attempt to find ways to get Santa out of his dilly of a pickle. The first such idea is to bring him an ape.
Again, really.
QUIT DOUBTING ME!
Why after seeing this fail the next kid thought bringing a DONKEY would assist is beyond me. Also, it caused me to hurriedly scribble “Amazon Echo” on my Christmas list, solely so I could ask Alexa “What is stronger, a donkey or a gorilla?” as my first question.
I would then follow it up with “How long would someone’s IQ be to think a pig would be stronger than either of those?”
After the pig (!!!!), the kids next bring a sheep to see if it could somehow save the day, but I can’t even come up with what that Amazon Echo joke would be (thank God, right?) because I am too distracted by Santa.
Because with the good Lord above as my witness and I am not making this up, the hot Florida sun has caused him to soil himself.
That’s not a crude joke – I am just reporting the facts.
The image on here doesn’t really do it justice, because there is undeniably a big brown streak right down the poor guy’s trousers. You may not be able to see it, so let me see what I can do to help draw attention to it.
There. Now I’m both helpful AND festive!
Various other animals are also brought before Stinky Seat Santa, including a cow and a gigantic horse. Seriously, look at that thing. I pray it doesn’t mistake that kid for a salt cube or he’s history.
Anyway, the horse doesn’t work either and…wait a tick. Santa keeps trying to get his sleigh out of the sand. As best I can tell, that’s the whole crux of this movie. Let’s say giant Mr. Ed was able to somehow move it. Then what? It’s not like that thing is going to sprout wings and fly it home. What was Santa’s next move?
He gathers the children once more, and explains to them they can never give up. To illustrate this, he decides to tell them the story of Jack & The Beanstalk.
I don’t know either, dude.
And why are you beaming like that? Are you supposed to be the Ghost of WrestleCrap Past? Or is it that “Outer Glow” is the only Photoshop filter I know how to use?
(Quick note before I continue – there are actually two different versions of this film, one which contains Jack & The Beanstalk, one which contains Thumbelina. I discovered this literally hours before this was set to post. Don’t lose sleep over this, just understand that each subplot is equally awful. Maybe one year I’ll cram the Thumbelina in here as well. That said, let’s get back to the fun!)
So yeah, Jack & The Beanstalk…which apparently took place at your Aunt Phyllis’ house with that dorky cousin you always try to run away from.
And yes, because we’ve gone like 17 seconds without it, we get MORE singing! This time the song is about a magic harp or a hen that got tossed around by its legs or something and I ain’t lying I didn’t listen I just hit the record button and am going to leave it up to you to click this and report back because there’s 49 minutes left on this thing according to the counter and that’s kinda horrifying.
From there we meet Honest John: Used Cow Salesman.
And if you thought “Man, I really hope he sings too!”, well CHRISTMAS HAS COME EARLY FOR YOU, PAL! He regales us musically about how Jack should trade his cow for the magic beans, and Jack, being a dummy, takes him up on the offer. Thankfully he doesn’t do so in song. He then takes the beans back to his family, and if you thought I was wrong for saying Jack was a dummy, his mom and sister both literally says he’s stupid so I am in good company. Mom then throws the beans out the window and we get some amazing special effects!
Up the vine he goes and if you think for one second we’re not getting another freakin’ song, I don’t know what to tell you.
Then the giant shows up, and yes, he starts singing too…but it’s basically the exact same song Jack just sang and I am already fearing how high my hosting fees are going to be this month posting all those other songs and that 187MB animated GIF of a kid jumping off a roof so you’ll just have to go without the whole thing. I will instead give this brief clip just to illustrate the awesome disparity between the giant talking and singing. Obviously it’s two different actors, but I am almost thinking that it may be two entirely different species.
So anyway, Jack steals a magic bird or something and runs away.
And by “magic bird” I of course mean “crudely modeled and painted paper mache project with hole cut out of the bottom.” Then Jack goes back up and steals the harp he was singing about earlier and chops down the bean stalk and the giant dies.
This leads to just what everyone wanted, another song (!!!!!), one in which they gleefully croon about the giant being dead. Then we get the all out happy ending, complete with the entire cast hugging and kissing.
Wait, what happened to the movie about Santa Claus?
Did I like click over to a different film or something?
Oh there he is! I totally forgot he was telling the children this story as he stewed in his poopy pants in the Florida sun. The kids are a lot like I am – tired of hearing his stories (and likely the stench he’s creating) and run away. This causes Santa to do the first smart thing in the film:
He takes off his coat. How long has he been on the beach and he FINALLY takes that off? What an idiot. Anyway, he collapses into a deep slumber, only to be awaken by a siren. And the next thing we see?
Exactly what you’d expect, silly.
A giant rabbit driving a fire truck through the middle of an amusement park.
Guessing this must be the Ice Cream Bunny we’ve heard so much literally nothing about since the first text of the film over an hour and twenty minutes ago.
He and Santa share pleasantries (well, Santa says he’s an old friend while the rabbit just kinda nods silently while doing an absurd dance) and now get the big finale song (at least I hope it’s the last one!), with yet more kids warbling out of tune to absurd levels. But unlike all the prior toe tappers, this one has an added bonus of a siren blaring so loudly in the background you can barely hear anyone singing.
You wouldn’t think that would be a plus, but I kinda think it is.
So Santa rides off into the forrest on the truck with the Ice Cream Bunny…
…as Huck and Tom (remember them?!!!) look on in amazement. Legit, they only appeared twice in the film for a grand total of 23 seconds. Also, I think Huck is a girl. Just wanted to have that in here for posterity’s sake.
In what is REALLY the ending, we get Jingle Bells with kazoos as a finale. I knew I cursed us earlier when I suggested that deal with the sirens was the last one!
Oh, remember earlier in the movie when that kid said Santa should just fly back to the North Pole on a plane?
How was this idea any better?
I mean his sleigh is still stuck in the sand, right?
Wait, the stupid thing can just disappear and go back to the North Pole on its own?
Then why on earth didn’t Santa just do that before?
Did he really need to regale us with a 45 minute version of Jack & The Beanstalk?
Well, whatever. It’s over, finally.
With that I pray that God blesses each and everyone of you with a Merry Christmas and a fantastic New Year.
Hopefully one without any kazoos, sirens, giant rabbits, or soiled pants.