“Triple Kelly, it’s time”, said Real Deal Reynolds.
“Time for what?”, I asked innocently while noshing on a chicken biscuit.
“Rosie versus Donald”.
I choked on my biscuit as I stared at the phone in horror.
“No…not that, Deal…not Rosie versus Donald! I’m…I’m so young! I haven’t lived a single lifetime!”
But in my dramatic Golden Rasberry-worthy performance, I knew the time had come. As “The Donald” is now the ‘new owner’ of RAW, it’s appropriate to dust off this very near Gooker winner of 2007, losing out to Hornswoggle as Vince’s son in one of the fiercest Gooker races I’ve seen in quite awhile.
In late 2006/early 2007, Donald Trump and co-host of The View Rosie O’Donnell partook in a back and forth war of words because apparently nothing else was going on in their lives. Every week the news media couldn’t wait to report on the sardonic retorts one would give the other. “You have bad hair!” “You’re a fat pig!” Very heavy stuff, as you can see.
Well of course, Vince McMahon, owner of the WWE, HAD to capitalize on this fierce rivalry by having one whole Monday Night Raw devoted to these two polar opposites AND an actual MATCH…in a RING…with these two settling their differences with fisticuffs.
Strap in, kiddies.
Or as Rosie would say…
Nah, I’m not going there, people.
And how else can such a match be built up than with Rosie mowing down on a Fudgie the Whale?
All these years following wrestling, and this is the first time I can recall FUDGIE THE WHALE making an appearance on WWE television. Seriously, you’d think that a sponsorship deal between WWE and Carvel, the maker of the tasty, lard-laden ice cream cake, would be a natural..
(Note from RD: If I had my life to do over again, I promise you I would have made my wrestling debut not as RD Reynolds (not as “Real Deal” Jack Diamond), but as FUDGIE THE WHALE. Now THAT’S a wrestling persona!)
I didn’t have the screen cap for it so I’ll just use this image of Mr. Creosote from Monty Python’s Meaning of Life for adequate visual aid. “It’s waffer thin!”
It’s basically the same thing.
Following her fudge-capades, Rosie is backstage with Candice and Maria, showing them pictures of her vacation…all while leaning over to check out their cleavage and Maria’s ass.
CAUSE SHE’S A LESBIAN!!!
WWE – GET IT?!
We finally get to THE MATCH, an event SO IMPORTANT that Vince himself insists on doing the ring announcing cause he doesn’t want that mush-mouthed Lillian Garcia to screw *this* one up, no siree bob!
JR notes that only Mr. McMahon can create a match “of this magnitude and controversy!” I believe what Jim Ross is trying to say is this match is gonna be extremely awful.
Still, you gotta give mad props to Vince, as he does a killer intro for Rosie.
(Note from RD: Can’t leave out the WWE music guys, either – that’s an awesome entrance theme!)
I should note that Rosie is being played here by Kiley McLean, a former NWA Women’s title holder. She is a trained grappler so I will give the WWE credit for hiring someone who can take bumps and was not stained by John Laurenitis on page 12 of BBW Monthly.
Vince now introduces his good friend. “Like me, he’s a billionaire”.
ARE you a billionaire, Vince? Wow, not sure I’ve heard you talk about this obscure piece of info before…
As for “The Donald”, he is being played by ROH star, Deep South and OVW developmental talent Ace Steel. It really says something about the state of the WWE today when the only time a skilled ring tactician such as Ace Steel can only be called up from developmental to play the part of a celebrity caricature in a match NO ONE gives a crap about.
Eh, at least it wasn’t on PPV.
Would ya look at The Donald’s hair?
I think they styled after Eric Bischoff’s 1990 AWA Team Challenge series ‘do!
The two exchange words in the middle of the ring while the camera goes in nice n’ tight so we can hear the referee GIVE THEM INSTRUCTIONS. You silly wrestlers with your “rules”. I guess for the new viewers at home that tuned in JUST to see this athletic contest (and we know there’s a great many of ya, heh heh) and might not be familiar with the rules.
Meanwhile behind them, I can hear the small start of a mass uprising in the form of dead silence contrasted with a smattering of BOOs.
But before we can get started, Rosie slips out of the ring to stuff some more of Fudgie the Whale down her gullet….CAUSE SHE’S FAT AND CAN’T CONTROL HER WEIGHT!!
COMEDY!
The boos become deafening as the two stall for 30 seconds but it might as well be 30 minutes, as they delay the inevitable.
The “action” starts in proper as we get a collar and elbow tie up the likes of which we’ve not seen since the heyday of George Hackenschmidt.
Rosie pushes Donald to the mat, while Jim Ross tries to call it like a real wrestling match. Give it up, JR – even Gordon Solie couldn’t salvage this thing.
I should note that after every move, EVERY MOVE, Donald adjusts his hair and complains to the ref about her touching his pompadour. Sound funny? It sure was, the first time.
Sadly, it kinda lost all comedic effect by the 32nd time he did it.
Which was maybe, maybe, 90 seconds in.
And we get some more trash talking in the middle of the ring cause the fans can really hear and care about every lame insult.
Rosie once again overpowers Donald and shoves him across the ring, we prompts Trump to angrily throw down his jacket.
Alright, NOW we’re getting down to business!
Yes, business in the form of yet MORE across the ring trash talking. Should’ve just settled for a “debate” with podiums, but I have a feeling right now I’d be writing about that debate on this site.
It’s a vicious cycle of Rosie-Donald Wrestlecrap.
(Note from RD: I doubt it could have topped the greatest debate ever in wrestling, one that featured Chris Nowinski and SCOTT STEINER.)
Donald puts a headlock on Rosie. Yes, we have an actual WRESTLING hold in this WRESTLING match!
I bet somewhere Kevin Dunn is steaming at all this ‘wrestling’ stuff.
The fury (of a “lesbeonic” nature, accoridng to Vince) continues as Rosie jumps on Donald and pounds him.
You know, God bless JR and all, but him calling this move a “Thesz press”…well, let’s just say when he dies and walks through the pearly gates, Lou Thesz is gonna be right there to kick his ass.
On and on and ON we go, as Rosie heels it up Hulkamania style, cupping her ear to the thunderous chants of “BOOOOOOORING!!”
I’d knock her, but honestly, she’s getting better heel heat than any of the established players on RAW.
On and on and ON this stupid things goes, as Rosie slams Donald’s head into the turnbuckle, which he no-sells because of his football helmet hair protecting his cranium.
The crowd is so entrhalled that they begin to chant, no joke, “T-N-A! T-N-A! T-N-A!”
That has to be a first. Has to be.
And I’m guessing the TNA chants will be left off of the WWE-produced DVD that will surely feature this lovely spectacle.
Donald headbutts…or “hairbutts” Rosie repeatedly and gives the signal for the bodyslam…
But as Donald lifts her, he discovers that she’s heavier than 876 pound Andre the Giant (you know, the one Hogan described in his autobiography) and thus he drops her and the near-fall sends the crowd into a violent frenzy.
The same crowd would get even more violent as this was not in fact the finish.
Seriously, how long is this damn thing?
Rosie misses a splash…very poorly, I might add, as Donald rolls outta the ring and grabs what’s left of Fudgie.
No doubt up in heaven, Tom Carvel is standing shoulder to shoulder with Lou Thesz, with him awaiting Vince McMahon’s arrival.
Sorry, Tom – don’t think Vince is heading that way when he keels over.
Donald smacks Rosie’s mug very loudly with Fudgie as the crowd cheers for the second loudest pop of the night…
… the first loudest being when Donald pins Rosie to end the whole friggin’ thing.
Rosie reacts the same way I did having to lose 10 minutes of my life watching this, that only Doc Brown’s DeLorean can give me back.
Though this angle would lead to the real Donald shaving Vince’s head at Wrestlemania 23 and his current angle as the new owner of RAW, I’m sure with all the “BORING!” and “T-N-A!” chants, the WWE finally learned their lesson-
Oh why the bloody hell do I even bother??!
Vince McMahon: “Introducing at a weight of…God only knows how much…here is the double-chinned diva from The View, here in all her lesbeonic fury, ROSIE O’DONNELL!”
Jim Ross (as the greatest entrance theme in wrestling history plays in the background): “Lesbeonic fury…that’s a first for Monday Night Raw, I can assure you. Mr. McMahon described this woman as a left-leaning lesbian.”
Jerry Lawler: “A double-chinned Diva.”
JR: “Looks like Rosie has bulked up for this contest.”