A couple weeks back, I penned an induction with Kevin Nash and El Gigante battling Swamp Thing. To be fair, I suppose the term “battling” is a tad hyperbolic – it was more the two of them dressing up as Mayan warriors (!!!!) then hanging out doing almost nothing for like 22 minutes, and then merely co-existing on the same screen with Swampy for maybe 22 seconds. Regardless, folks seemed to like that write up so I thought what better way to follow it up than seeing what wrestling related mayhem rival Marvel Comics might have been up to around the same time. And what I found was honestly impossible to believe. So sit back and enjoy, True Believers!
What you see above is the “1st Bodyslamming Collector’s Issue” of the WCW comic book. Doesn’t look like much, right? I have no doubt comic book collectors looked at that cover and thought, “what on earth is this?” but upon flipping this thing open we do indeed get Lex Luger…
…in full pen and ink form. Not only that, we get his backstory to tell us what he’s really all about: “the winning combination of speed, muscle, and intelligence!” Of course before his health issues he had one of the best physiques in wrestling history. And I’ve talked one on one with Lex before and I can tell you he is in fact a pretty smart dude. Still, I think even he’d be like, “speed? When was that part of my arsenal?”
Then we get a roll call of his would be challengers, and it’s a laundry list of the WCW roster at the time: everyone from Ron Simmons to El Gigante (again!!!) to PN News to the computerized man of the 1990s himself, Terrence Taylor. Also we get a VERY rosy cheeked Tom Zenk. That had to have been a rib, right?
And so we go to the ring as STAN LEE PRESENTS BATTLE ROYAL. I’m sure it’s right up there with creating (or co-creating or whatever) Spider-Man as his proudest achievements. Personally, I love that we get a check in with our announce team, featuring Missy Hyatt (and she truly is a Walking Riot with that hair), Paul E. Dangerously (Heyman), and Jim Ross. While I love it that Paul E. is literally going all Q*Bert and cursing at a crappy headset just two pages in, it would have been way more realistic to have Ross doing that. Why I can just hear Blade screaming “JIM!” now, can’t you?
The action commences with nefarious tactics, namely Taylor using a “blatant illegal fist!” The hero Sting appears and tosses him out for being such a nogoodnik. Meanwhile, every kid in the crowd has their face painted like the Stinger. Despite this, one of them is hoping that the Diamond Studd (Scott Hall) wins the match. If that’s the case, why the Sting face paint? Did that kid lose a bet or something?
Also, apparently Badd’s a cad. Were people really still using the term “cad” in 1992? And should we, in 2024, bring that back?
At this point, it’s the age old battle royal tactic of everyone ganging up on the biggest guy in the match, El Gigante. Gotta love that pose he has holding up Windham, Rick Steiner, and Johnny B. Badd.
It’s almost like I’ve seen that before with a wrestling giant!
The combined might of all the competitors is enough to toss the big guy, who responds the only way possible: “GAAAAAAAAAH!!!” With him out of the way, we get a battle of fisticuffs with Vader not only pummeling PN News, but insulting him by telling him he wears a “STUPID HAT!” News then blames that on Diamond Dallas Page for some reason. One can only hope that is a storyline fleshed out in a future issue!
We get a totally creepy shot of Johnny B. Badd to celebrate him tossing Zenk. Discussion then turns to Luger, whom we’ve not seen but has vowed to cripple anyone who dares to challenge for his title. We also get a close up of Missy and mad props to the writers here for giving her a southern accent. I love it, y’all!
But let me tell you, the one person the guys at Marvel must have seen money in was Johnny B. Badd. He’s featured nonstop, and we get ANOTHER close up of him here. I guess that kinda makes sense – he’s the most flamboyant of nearly anyone on the roster. Could totally see him as a z-list villain for a z-list comic book hero like Jack of Hearts.
At this point, a hooded contingent emerges from the back and starts trouble. In fact, they tell some kid to beat it or, and I am just quoting here, “I beat you!” Undeterred, the child notes that he’s going to tell on them – to the STINGER!
Rick Steiner is tossed out next, injuring his leg in the process. Not only that, the guys in the trenchcoats tell him that they hope Scotty’s “got a black suit…cause he’s gonna need it!” First they threaten a child with bodily harm, and now they are saying they’re literally going to kill Rick Steiner? Screw Robert Downey Jr. as Dr. Doom, these guys need to be the next folks to face the Avengers.
Kurt Angle somehow appears now, hopping out of the ring to hop Rick get to the back. Wait, that’s supposed to be Scott Steiner?
I mean, I know he didn’t always look like this, but come on now.
Sting gets Arn up for just about the most brutal piledriver you ever did see next. And by ‘brutal’, I do mean ‘lewd’. Get your face out of the Enforcer’s taint, Stinger!
Arn and Dustin pair up to work on Vader, but it’s to no avail as Ron Simmons WAKS them with a dropkick that eliminates ALL THREE OF THEM. Who did he learn that kick from, Johnny Cage?
Wait no, Mortal Kombat 2 came out a year AFTER this. Could it be Midway ripped off WCW/Marvel comics? If so, they wouldn’t be the only ones as you’ll soon see.
But before we get there, you may wonder why I haven’t brought up any of the ads in this here comic book and honestly, there’s a simple reason for that as almost every one is for baseball cards. I mean, sure, I used to collect those like everyone else in my neighborhood, but seeing Roger Clemens on every fifth page wasn’t going to make me rush out to buy MORE packs of Fleer or Donruss.
Here though we get a full page spread for books starring JAMES BOND JR. Despite being both rad and bad, I cannot tell you of a single person on planet earth who has any fond memories of this character. This despite the fact he had not only books, but also NES and SNES games and…
…a completely absurd cartoon series where we learn James Bond Sr. is not his father, but actually his uncle. Never thought I’d live to make a James Bond-Rey Mysterio connection, but there you have it!
Simmons comes back with his latest move on Badd, “a double reverse face stretch!” Did Bryan’s Granny used to write for Marvel back in the day?
We get an amazing feat of strength next, as the Diamond Studd PRESS SLAMS PN News out of the ring. I’d mock that, but honestly I am more intrigued by two other items on this page: 1) the fact that News actually raps as he’s being thrown out (!!!) and 2) the tiny, tiny monochrome children telling News that he just had “a stupid DOPE match!” WORD.
Sting and Simmons go all Rock & Roll Express on Badd, nearly eliminating him with a double drop kick. But “Sweet Lucille is looking after” JBB tonight as he’s able to skin the cat and get back in the ring.
This allows Badd and Studd to double team Simmons, giving him some “stick to your ribs” blows. And I LOVE that Studd wears his sunglasses the whole time. I totally geek out when someone does that.
Heck I even marked out when Mr. Hughes did that in the WWF! (Note to self – need to induct that 18 month period when every heel would steal Undertaker’s urn, culminating with Kama melting it down into a necklace.)
We’re down to the final four now, with Sting picking up Studd by his ankles and tossing him over the top. How would that even be physically possible? Regardless, as Sting tells us (and the crowd chants along), “Studd’s a Dud!”
This leaves Johnny B. Badd as your babyface heel in peril up against Sting and Simmons. Sting lectures JBB about how “wrestling is a sport – the only true sport!” and then tosses him into the corner for his patented Stinger Splash. Amazingly, Badd gets out of the way, telling Sting, “Next time you telegraph something, use Western Union!” Not only is that a great line, I’m pretty sure Western Union actually was a WCW sponsor once upon forever ago. SYNERGY! But all of that pales in comparison to what comes next as, with the Good Lord above as my witness and I am NOT making this up, Simmons channels his inner Bane and…
BREAKS THE BADMAN!
RIGHT DOWN TO THE KRAK!
So Simmons wins as Luger unveils himself as one of the masked men, who then promptly gives Simmons another icky taint driver. If I never see that move again, it will be too soon.
Missy gets a quick interview with Luger as the Total Package explains he always has an angle. Boos a plenty (well, at least three) come from the stands as we are promised that next issue will be entitled HEEL! No idea if that one is any good or not and honestly, I’m not planning on covering it so you’re on your own there. But before I leave, I want to go back to that Bane-Batman reference above. And I want you to consider this.
The first WCW comic book we just covered tonight came out in April 1992…whereas the legendary Batman Knightfall comic book where Bane broke Batman came out in the summer of 1993. That means it’s entirely possible, nay probable, that one of the greatest moments in comic book history has its roots in WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WRESTLING. And that means that yes, Bane should probably be cutting royalty checks to Ron Simmons.
