The typical Vince Russo-booked episode of WCW Nitro played out like a fever dream. Just read this list of names from the November 29th, 1999 episode:
- Roddy Piper
- Rhonda Sing
- Leilani Kai
- Ron & Don Harris
- Nitro Girl Fyre
- Lex Luger
- Juventud Guerrera
- Elizabeth
- Sting
- Sharmell Sullivan
And the common thread tying them all together? A mud pit.
The night began with a mysterious mud pit, which Tony Schiavone speculated was for the Nitro Girls. But while all the Nitro Girls would fight in the dressing room, the showers, or catering…
…the mud pit was reserved for a different purpose altogether.
Our first clue came with the arrival of a car carrying two ladies. “Whoa baby!” remarked Roddy Piper, catching sight of the larger of the two.
“There’s a full moon tonight in Denver”, he added before pointing them to the buffet.
“Whoa,” said Roddy, impressed.
Later, the Powers That Be (or “Powers To Be”, as Roddy Piper invariably called them) made Roddy wait and wait in their office.
Meanwhile, Lex Luger threatened Miss Elizabeth with legal action over her recent flirtations with Sting.
Trust me, everything so far—the mud, the women, Roddy Piper, The Powers to Be, Luger & Liz—everything would be woven together by Vince Russo in a crappy tapestry.
A crapestry, if you would.
Backstage, the two “large ladies” (Schiavone’s words) got their gear and makeup on. One of these “very ample women” (Schiavone’s words again) was former WWF Women’s Champion Leilani Kai…
…the other, former WWF Women’s Champion Rhonda Sing. And neither Schiavone nor Heenan recognized either one of them.
Sing, who had left the WWF over her degrading “Bertha Faye” character, debated which outfit would look sexiest in, as we would soon learn, a mud wrestling match.
Vince Russo had the scoop, giving Roddy Piper his assignment for the night: refereeing the “colossal battle” in the mud between the two women.
At first, Piper was outraged at being given such a humiliating duty…
…until he got an idea. A sexy idea? We’d have to see.
The story then took a sharp turn thanks to a Nitro Girl food fight that immediately followed.
Backstage in catering, Nitro Girl Fyre said Nitro Girl Storm’s outfit was cheap, so Storm told her it belonged to Fyre’s mom. Soon, they were taking turns smearing each other with food. And care to guess what body part they targeted exclusively? I’ll give you two guesses…
…and they’re both right.
Well, one was right; the other was left.
Amid the mammary madness, a third woman in a baseball cap got distracted and started choking on her own food.
That’s when Juventud Guerrera rushed onto the scene and performed the Heimlich maneuver on the lady with the nice gams.
And of course, for further laughs, it looked like Juvi was humping her.
As Nitro cut to commercial, the IWGP Light Heavyweight Champion…
…pleaded for help.
If viewers didn’t recognize the choking victim, they were soon clued in that she was one of the mud wrestlers (in her third outfit of the night) and comically obese.
Juventud gave The Powers That Be the bad news…
…and Vince Russo’s reaction managed to put this mud match over the top as the most sexist thing on a Nitro with multiple catfights…
…Madusa trading sex for a Cruiserweight title shot…
…and Curt Hennig repeatedly slapping Midnight’s right breast.
The boss, rather than praising Juvi’s horny heroism, was disgusted that he’d put his lips on “that wildebeest”. But gnu or gnot, the mishap meant the mud match was off.
Or was it? Lex Luger, saying “hmm” a suspicious number of times, started cooking something up.
Hmm…
Hmmmmmmmmmmm…………
In Vince Russo’s office, Lex said he “saw that behemoth choke on a ham sandwich” and had the perfect substitute: Elizabeth. See how everything wove together?
And so referee Roddy Piper and the now-identified Rhonda Sing waited around at the mud pit for Elizabeth, who threatened to no-show.
“Do you not understand the words [sic] “breach”?” asked Lex. “B-R-E-C-H?” [sic]
But Elizabeth walked away anyway, breching her contract.
Left with no opponent, Rhonda Sing yanked Piper into the mud and decided to wrestle him.
The All-Japan Women’s Hall of Famer missed a splash…
…then fell to a drop toe hold…
…allowing Piper to mount her like a horse and spank her.
As the Harris Twins yukked it up, Roddy pulled them both into the mud, too.
Eager for serious competition, Rhonda started wrestling one of the twins…
…but Roddy dragged her over to the other twin so she could pin him. Not sure what Piper had against Don (or Ron) specifically.
As referee, Piper counted 1-2-, but Harris rolled over before the three.
So Roddy stopped counting.
This may have been a mud match with only one official participant, but dammit, Piper was going to call this one right down the middle.
Piper then shoved Sing back on top so he could make a legitimate three count.
It was so hard to tell what was going on under all that mud, Tony Schiavone thought it was Piper himself who’d scored the pin, robbing Rhonda Sing of a debut victory.
Piper would go on to officiate the main event, looking sepia-toned while caked in mud.
Creative Control, on the other hand, walked out of the match covered in mud from head to toe…
…but within fifteen minutes, they were wearing suits as spotless as the last time Lex was in Russo’s office.
This time, Luger promised to get Liz in the mud, leading Vince Russo to book the second intergender mud match of the evening.
And so Luger heaved Liz into the pit and splashed her with a bucket of mud…
…before Sting snuck up from behind and pushed him in, too.
The Stinger then tried on Lex’s jacket, a major B-R-E-C-H of etiquette, then tossed it into the mud…
…where it floated on the surface until Lex pulled it all the way under.
But after all the night’s goofy antics, it was Lex who got the last laugh.
Not only did Liz fall flat on her ass running to Sting…
…but with the Harris Brothers’ dry cleaner, Lex could get his muddy suit looking good as new in minutes .