I’ve had people asking me for literally years to induct The Con Man, Rob Conway.
I’ve always resisted.
You know why?
Because of this.
The greatest entrance music in WWE in at least 15 years.
In fact, I love it so much I am going to transcribe every single word of it!
Just look at me
YEAH!
Oh just look at me
Ain’t I a sight to see?
The whole damn world wants to look like me
But they don’t!
So just look at me
Unlike you
I’ve been around the world
And unlike you
I’ve had my way with many, many girls
Every morning the say the same damn thing
How can you be so good at everything?
And I say, “It’s just so easy for me
It’s just so easy.”
Each time I stare into my mirror
It’s such a great surprise
Each time I stare into that mirror, baby!
I just have to realize
Why they all
Take every star in Hollywood
And throw them in the sea
YEAH!
Take every star in Hollywood, BABY
They’re all falling stars to me
Watch them burn out in the ocean BABY
Then turn around to see
Me standing in the sunset
And you can look at me
Each time I stare into my mirror
It’s such a great surprise
Each time I stare into that mirror BABY
I just have to realize
Why they all look at me
Just look at me
Mmmmm
Ain’t I a sight to see
Don’t you wish you looked like me?
But you don’t!
So just look at me
You know you don’t, you know you don’t
So just look at me
LOOK AT ME!!!
Mmmmmmm Baby
Just look at me!
That’s so incredibly fantastic that I don’t know I can even continue. You really should memorize it. In the future, I may pull a Bob Backlund gimmick, you know, where he refuses to sign an autograph unless you can name all the presidents?
Hencefore, my criteria to sign an autograph will be that you can recite the Con Man’s theme music line by line.
If ever I could get someone in WWE to listen to me about ANYTHING, it would be that they recycled that music immediately. I bet if they gave it to, say, Dolph Ziggler, the dude would wind up as not only the next John Cena that Vince has wanted for years, but the next John Cena combined with the next Rock combined with the next Steve Austin combined with the next Hulk Hogan combined with the next Bruno Sammartino.
That’s how awesome that music is.
I mean, seriously….
Just look at me!
Now one may wonder what, precisely, went wrong here.
I mean, seriously, the guy had an awesome theme song, he could work, wasn’t a bad promo, and he had a killer physique. I know a lot of online geeks have compared him to Buff Bagwell, but seriously, he was more of a Rick Rude to me.
I mean, look at them side to side.
His body’s chiseled, abs all in a row.
You know, Rude’s fantastic WCW theme song (included for you in full rightchere) had long been my favorite for a narcissitic heels, but no longer.
Conway’s was way, WAY better.
So again, I ask. What could possibly go wrong?
Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.
Actually, scratch that.
I do know what went wrong.
And it’s a good thing I do, or this would be a very short induction.
Obligatory backstory.
So Conway came into WWE as a jobber, staring at the ring lights often on the old Jakked and Velocity shows.
Yes, this company, which is vehemently against any and all performance enhancing drugs, once had a program called JAKKED.
My only guess is that had those issues with he who shan’t be named had never happened, we’d have gotten both WWE Anabolic and WWE Full Needle on the schedule.
After a few years playing the role of (insert your favorite Jobber of the Week here), Conway would show up as a military man in the crowd during a Le Resistance match.
You remember those guys, right?
Sylvan Granier?
Rene Dupree?
Mind if I got off on a rant?
Ok, Dupree, there was ANOTHER guy I thought was another absolute can’t miss. I remember seeing him on an OVW show, and he was fantastic beyond belief, infuriating the crowd without saying a word.
You know, I often hear about the WWE roster is “so thin” these days, and all I can think is, “If you hadn’t killed all the young guys with talent over the past ten years for no good reason, you’d have a killer roster.”
But I digress.
So Conway is a marine or something, and La Resistance badmouths him, using such subtle jabs as “How many innocent people have you killed this year?”
Lovely.
The Dudleys make the save, bring Conway into the ring, and give him the flag, and urging him to wave old glory.
Which he does, promptly into their skulls.
This causes our old pal Jim Ross to claim that he is “as much a military man as Saddam Hussein!”
The next time someone mentions how much they miss JR, just remember: it’s largely due to calls like that.
Thus began a two-year run as evil Frenchman Rob Conway, which resulted in three tag title reigns, one of which resulted in William Regal and Eugene becoming WWE tag team champions.
Remember the Rougeaus? How about the Rockers? Man those teams were great.
But remember this: they never held the titles.
Oh, and remember this: EUGENE did.
Eventually, though, the Frenchie gimmick ran its course, and Conway became a singles competitor. He ditched the le fleur, instead donning a biker hat and a pair of sunglasses, and dubbing himself “The Con Man”, Rob Conway.
Now I know what you are thinking. Dude’s gonna be outside WWE arenas (preferably in the back, near dumpsters as illustrated), playing three card monte with the yokels.
Awesome.
Wait, what? That never happened?
Well, that totally sucks, because that idea has limitless potential.
Instead, he just cut interviews with a smirk on his face in which he explained that he wasn’t going to do things the right way.
Or the wrong way.
But rather, the CON way.
What this entailed precisely was never explained.
It did, however, lead to countless TIM Conway jokes on WrestleCrap Radio.
Remember the Apple Dumplin Gang?
How about Dorf?
And who could ever forget Mr. Tudbal?!
(Somewhere, I know Triple Kelly is nodding her head in approval.)
Speaking of classics, that brings us back to the Con Man.
Who again, never did any conning of anyone.
What he did do, however, was face WWE Hall of Famers.
Remember when Randy Orton did that bit? The Legend Killer gimmick?
Tonight’s hero tried the same thing.
And was immediately pummeled by a bunch of geriatric geezers.
So yeah, less Randy Orton, more Heath Slater.
All of this led to…well, not much.
Although, to be fair, he did tear up a Shawn Michaels teddy bear.
That counts for something, right?
Oh, and he feuded with Eugene.
Other than that…well, pretty much nothing.
So we’ll just end with a pictuere of Rob Conway and a koala bear.
Just seeing that image gives me a gazillion ideas for vignettes.
Can you picture Conway playing the shell game with the koala?
Or ripping the koala bear’s head off like he did that Shawn Michaels bear?
I can hear it now…
Ain’t it a sight to see?
Chasing that damn koala up a tree
YEAH
Just look at me!