Q: What’s more fun than a wrestling fan who drives a pump-it-and-dump-it sewage truck and sucks up the sweet air of World Championship Wrestling glory at night?
A: Two wrestling fans – Gordie and Sean!
So says the back of the box for the video “Ready to Rumble.” Had the box been a bit more truthful, it might have read:
Q: What’s more fun than a wrestling fan who drives a pump-it-and-dump-it sewage truck and sucks up the sweet air of World Championship Wrestling glory at night?
A: Anything! A trip to the dentist, getting hit in the head with a lead pipe, a Paulie Shore movie marathon…you name it, because this movie absolutely sucks!
Truth in advertising aside, Ready to Rumble is the story of two hardcore wrestling fans, Gordie (David Arquette) and Sean (Scott Caan). Gordy and Sean are just like any other wrestling marks, except for the fact that they think everything is real and are really, REALLY stupid.
Just how stupid are they? Well, they like to go around and stick their fingers up their butts.
No, no…I am NOT making this up. THEY STICK THEIR FINGERS UP THEIR BUTTS.
Here’s some fabulous audio to back up my story.
They do this get to free slurpees. Don’t ask – hear me now, believe me later.
By day, of course, the boys drive a sewage truck. This leads to all kinds of wacky nutty zany cukoo hilarity, such as when a couple of construction workers use their toilets.
Gordie’s father doesn’t approve of his son wasting his life on wrestling – he wants him to become a cop, just like the rest of the family. In the ultimate slap in the face, the Big Bossdad tells his dimwit son that wrestling is fake gasp!*.
Anyway, Gordie and Sean idolize Jimmy King, a guy wth a royalty gimmick.
King? GET IT?
King is a good old country boy who just happens to be the WCW champion.
This displeases booker/promoter/all around nogoodnik Titus Sinclair, who decides to double cross our hero with the help of Diamond Dallas Page.
During the match, Page starts shooting on King…
…and with the help of the entire WCW roster, King is beaten unmercifully. All this builds up to the most heinous, vile, and destructive finisher the world has ever known – the four post massacre!
What? You’ve never heard of that? Well, neither had I, but then again, I’ve only been watching wrestling for about 20 years. Apparently it’s pretty commonplace in wrestling, as not only did Gordie and Sean recognize it, but Tony Schiavone called it by name as well.
King is left for dead by Sinclair and the rest of WCW. He leaves the arena in disgrace.
These events permentally scar our heroes, and they wreck their septic truck. In an ironic twist of fate, a toilet paper truck then shows up and wrecks as well.
A septic truck and a toilet paper truck colliding – folks, it just doesn’t get much (un)funnier than that!
The boys decide that this is a sign from God above that they are to give up their chosen careers and head out to find King and get him back to the top of the wrestling world.
They do this with the help of Scott Farkus, who has given up a life of bullying and moved into the more profitable field of hacking.
Farkus, whose eyes were no longer yellow, is able to track down the whereabouts of King. Turns out he is living in an old mobile home, and dresses in drag to hide out from bill collectors.
Cross dressing, David Arquette with his finger up his butt, Scott Farkus…this movie has it all!
The boys convince King to go back and fight DDP and Sinclair. They sneak him into a Nitro taping in a porta potty, and during DDP’s interview, he hops out of the can, attacks, and then pins Page.
Sinclair, furious by this, demands a cage match with DDP and King at the next PPV.
Gordie celebrates by dancing with Nitro Girl Juggs…
…while King and a drunk “Mean Gene” Okerlund share a tender moment and express their true, homosexual feelings for each other.
The boys track down some crazy old shoot fighter to train King. The geezer has no time for young whipper snappers like Jimmy, and beats him with a strategically placed kick to the nads.
King takes his newfound shoot fighting knowledge into his triple deckers steel cage battle against Page.
However, Sinclair decides to not play fair, and has all the heels attack King to put him out of wrestling for good!
The faces in the WCW locker room charge the ring, but that crafty Sinclair has locked the cage!
Just when things look most bleak, out comes Gordie with his new CHiPs gimmick, riding his motorcycle like Evel Kenievel and smashing open the door.
Sting also shows up to join the fray…
…and immediately becomes my favorite wrestler of all time by KOing the Dipshit Bros.
Meanwhile, high atop the Triple Decker Cage, King gently places DDP onto the mesh, who immediately falls about 37 stories before landing on the mat.
You know, what with the Owen Hart tragedy, this probably wasn’t the most tasteful way to end this film.
King holds the WCW belt high over his head and everyone lives happily ever after.
Probably with their fingers up their butts.
So yeah, this movie sucked. But the saddest part isn’t the movie, it’s the fact that the WCW braintrust actually thought they could gain some cheap publicity by putting their real life world title on David Arquette!
And people question how they lost $80 million dollars in 2000?
Sean: “Hey Gordie?”
Gordie: “Yeah?”
Sean: “Why does it look like you have your finger up your butt?”
Gordie: “Because I do.”
Construction Worker 1: “Hey, shit boys! How’s the shit work?”
Construction Worker 2: “Excuse the mess in there, my aim’s a little off!”
Gordie’s Dad: “Wrestling is fake.”
Gordie: “WRESTLING IS NOT FAKE!!!!!”
Sean: “Oh my God, a four post massacre!”
Gordie: “No one can survive this!”
Together: “NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”
Tony Schiavone: “It’s a four post massacre and they all come off at the same time!”
“Mean Gene” Okerlund: “Do people think I’m sexy?”
Jimmy King: “I think you’re sexy. Mean Gene, really I do.”