I love Halloween. I’m sure all of you out there do as well (well, at least those of you with some semblance of a soul).
Seriously, could there possibly be anything better than dressing up like a goof and eating way too much candy? The whole thing is simply a big chocolate coated, nougat-filled recipe for a good time.
And it’s not just me with an undying fascination with the holiday. It’s quite obvious that those within the pro wrestling industry love it as well. Think of all the wrestling tie-ins with Halloween over the years. In addition to the annual “Let’s Dress up The Divas in the Sluttiest Halloween Outfits This Side of the Local Whorehouse” Contest, we’ve had PPVs named after it (Halloween Havoc) and even wrestlers themselves named after it (Rick Rude as the Halloween Phantom).
If that’s not a ringing endorsement of October 31, I’m not sure what is.
When I think back over the countless Halloween-wrestling tie-ins over the years, though, there’s always one that pops into my head first…
The year was 1992. The WWF’s flagship Prime Time Wrestling was in the midst of an overhaul, as the show now consisted solely of taped matches in front of a studio audience. The host varied seemingly by the week, but the co-host never changed: it was your hero and mine, Bobby “The Brain” Heenan.
With it being October, the set was decorated with various pumpkins, skeletons, the whole nine yards, just to get everyone in the mood. And truly the marks in the crowd looked to be having a good time, which annoyed Heenan, who soon began to pick fights with ’em.
After all, none of them could match wits with “The Brain”.
Especially not this guy.
For the uninitiated, the man to your right was Jamison, “the resident moron” according to Bobby. Long-time Crappers will remember Jamison as the co-host of the sadly short-lived “Bobby Heenan Show”, in which the highlight of Jamison’s Ed McMahon duties involved him ejaculating into a throw pillow.
And I really wish I was making that up.
Anyway, Heenan spotted poor Jamison in the stands and invited him down, much to the chagrin of everyone watching who knew the simpleton was about to be humiliated yet again.
Bobby asked Jamison if he liked trick or treating , to which Jamison got so excited I thought Sean Mooney might need to have a throw pillow at the ready.
Heenan, though, had other ideas…
…as he promptly deposited a pumpkin right on Jamison’s head!
As Heenan yukked it up, Jamison discovered something very, very bad: try as he might, he could not remove the pumpkin.
That’s right – the pumpkin was stuck on the poor guy’s head!
Just to prove he wasn’t totally heartless, Heenan had the good manners to put Jamison’s glasses back on.
Well, back on the pumpkin at least.
Unable to remove his new orange head covering, Jamison begged Mooney to find someone to help him out.
So Moonery went and got the Bushwackers.
Wow, and I thought Heenan was supposed to be the dick here.
So Butch and Luke come up with various ideas for getting it off his head, with the best of these ideas being a rotary saw.
Remind me, should I ever get a pumpkin stuck on my head (and obviously this type of thing happens more frequently than you might think), to not ask THE BUSHWACKERS for assistance.
Before the pair could commence to making Cousin Luke’s Pumpkin Pie (which I think may actually be in that stupid WWF cookbook I inducted years back), who should walk in but…
Hacksaw Jim Duggan!
Poor Jamison – his luck just never seems to get any better.
Duggan told Luke to put down the Black & Decker, tough guy! He had an idea!
What they would do is, you see, use his board, and pry it up against Jamison’s neck! HOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Then, Butch you hit the board with a hammer and try to knock it off!
USA! USA! USA!
Unfortunately for the WWF’s answer to Louis Skolnick, that didn’t work.
But Duggan wasn’t about to give up. Why not, he thoughtfully pondered, put the board under Jamison’s throat and bounce him up and down like a Superball?
Surely that would get it off!
Damn it! No dice!
Ah the hell with it – let’s just beat his head with the board until the pumpkin breaks into pieces.
Well, duh – that would have been my first suggestion!
Sadly, this left the pumpkin intact…and Jamison on the floor, presumably dead.
This left the boys with just one last resort:
Stick Jamison’s head under the wheels of an 18-wheeler and let ‘er roll!
As pumpkin seeds splattered across our erstwhile trio, they realize that perhaps this was not, in fact, the best idea.
Thankfully, Jamison survived the incident with minor injuries.
Well, if you consider tire tracks permanently adhered to your face as a “minor injury.”
Bobby Heenan: “You like trick or treating, I bet. You like to go out and get candy. Do you like candy?”
Jamison: “Yeah!”
Heenan: “Do you like apples & stuff?”
Jamison: “I like candy bettah!”
Heenan: “Ok, I got a surprise for ya! And I give you my word I won’t hurt you. Take your glasses off, cuz I want you to look real close at this…”
Hacksaw Jim Duggan: “I got an idea! You two guys hold him, and I’ll give him a big WACK with my BOARD!”