Do you recognize the man pictured above? No? Well, then let me fill you in.
His name is Paul Christy. He was a journeyman wrestler who worked lots of different places, for everyone from Dick the Bruiser to Randy Savage. While I am not quite sure what type of persona he had back in the territory days, I can tell you that upon his arrival in the WWF, his gimmick was that he was, as best I can tell, a Rat Pack Magician Hypnotist Apartment Building Owning Rapist.
Got all that?
Good. Then let’s begin.
Paul’s arrival in the Federation was hot.
Well, actually it wasn’t, but he did shoot little red fireballs up into the air as he made his way on to the legendary TNT show.
He would then shake “Mean” Gene Okerlund’s hand in a similar manner.
Apparently, penny-ante parlor tricks were suitable for impressing both Gene and Lord Alfred Hayes, as they geeked out in a manner worthy of Charlie Minn.
Their enthusiasm for their guest would prove to be very short-lived.
“Who is Paul Christy?” Paul Christy asked no one in particular.
Paul Christy, it turns out, is a wrestler.
Not only that, but he owned apartment buildings. And shopping centers. And he went on vacation apparently.
Or at least two out of the three of them.
Don’t know which two of the three he has, but he’s shooting 66.6%. I would think that is a failing grade.
I should also note that despite explaining his ownership of said apartment buildings twice, I have absolutely no clue what this man is talking about.
Bet fret not, as he would then go on to explain that he had pretty blue eyes, physical appearance, charming personality, right, got it, woman, sexual, alright?
I’m not sure what any of this had to do with magic, or hypnosis for that matter. Apparently, neither did Gene who introduced another magician, who I believe he called “Jenny Lee.”
I have no idea who this Jenny Lee character was, and Gene was of no help. Best I can tell is that he somehow garnered fame by looking like the spitting image of what a lovechild of Richard Simmons and Rocky from the movie Mask.
Why this man showed up, again, I have no idea. He did no magic.
He said almost nothing.
He didn’t sweat to any oldies.
He didn’t proclaim himself from the planet Vulcan.
He did NOTHING.
So it was back to PAUL CHRISTY we went, who promised to “Program the Minds” of the audience. Apparently this plan had to do with a red box with a white bow on it, and having the audience guess what was inside.
As Paul explained for the third or fourth time that he was going to, again, “program the minds” of the folks in the crowd, both Gene and an off-screen stage hand were giving Paul the cue to wrap it up.
But this blue-eyed magician hypnotist apartment and shopping center owner who liked to vacation WOULD NOT BE SILENCED!
He just wants to TAWK, MOTORMOUTH!
Cue the audience (people whom it would appear were denied entrance into the Hee Haw studio taping), who began the booing and catcalling.
This behavior earned them a verbal browbeating, climaxing with Paul threatening to “break your neck, you jerk, you turkey!“
Indeed, this outburst led to Paul going certifiably insane.
No longer was Gene the subject of his wrath. Heck even the studio audience was safe. No, his rage would soon be directed at the poor LJN figures on the coffee table, culminating in a rant concluding with Paul asking where his “little thing” was.
Indeed, the fact the world was denied a PAUL CHRISTY ACTION FIGURE is a crime of unspeakable proportions.
Just imagine if it was a pull string doll, with catch phrases like, “How many apartment buildings can ya own??!”, “I’ll break yer….neck ya… ya jerk turkeys!”, “I programmed uuummm!!’, “WILL YA SHUUUUUT UUUUUPPP!!”, “LET ME TAAAWWWWKK!!”, and of course, “MOTORMOOOUTTH!”
That thing would be worth millions.
So with this segment bombing in a manner not seen since Hiroshima (you know it’s bad when the sound crew starts dropping in effects of PLANES CRASHING while you’re talking), the WWF decided to cut to a commercial.
But don’t fret – coming up is MORE MAGIC!
And sure enough, we come back with Paul ever so slightly more calm, explaining that he is going to “program the audience’s minds.”
Yes, again.
I think this may have been the fourth or fifth time he told us this.
Even Lord Alfred (or maybe I should say BORED Alfred) can apparently take no more, likely thinking how much better life would be if the Funks would show up and slather him in BBQ sauce and hang him from a tree.
Gene, for his part, attempts to stave off boredom by sticking a pen up Christy’s anus.
This is not a joke.
I wish it was, but it’s not.
Personally, that’s not an inkwell I’d dip my pen in.
Finally, we get a “pay off” as the audience has had their minds “programmed” in such a manner that they were all thinking of the six of spades.
Which is a good thing, since every card in Paul’s deck was, in fact, THE SIX OF SPADES.
Sheesh, they could have at least hid that on camera.
Blade’s “disappearing thumb trick” in Revenge of the Scorpion was better than this.
The end comes when Paul, who has now programmed Lord Alfred’s mind as well, asks his Lordship to guess a number between 1 and 1,000.
Alfred correctly guesses 555, which means either his mind was programmed or he watched way too many movies.
Either way, the audience soon has reason to cheer, as Paul makes his exit, amazingly without need of a shepard’s hook.
After such an auspicious debut, you’d expect Paul to be immediately pushed to the moon. Sadly, he was let go and never allowed to cut another interview again.
I can just picture Vince calling him into the office at Titan Towers to fire him and he starts screaming and trying to do tricks and hypnosis. No doubt restraint efforts by Gerry Brisco would soon follow, with Pat Patterson yelling, “Paul, Paul, will you just
calm down?” To which Paul would naturally respond, “SHUUUUTTT UUUPPP MOTORMOOOOUUTTHH!! LET ME TAAAWWKK!!”, followed by pleading with Vince to to think of what’s in the box as he was dragged out of the building.
Paul Christy: “Uh, who is Paul Christy, alright? Paul Christy, a wrestler, magician, hypnotist, alright?”
Paul Christy: “Financially, how many apartment buildings can you own? How many vacations can you go own? Alright? How many apartment buildings? How many shopping centers? I’ve got it all. I’ve got two out of the three.”
Paul Christy, in the GREATEST QUOTE EVER: “Pretty blue eyes, physical appearance, charming personality. Right? You got it? Woman. Sexual. Alright?”
Paul Christy: “Will you SHUT UP?! WILL YOU LET ME TALK, MOTORMOUTH?!”
Paul Christy: “Motormouth, please. Listen to me now. Sexually…
Crowd boos
Paul Christy: “I’ll give you a boo, I’ll come out there and break your neck, ya jerk. YA TURKEY!”Paul Christy: “And these goofy things here! Where’s…my…little…thing…here?”
Audience laughs
Gene Okerlund: “I meant to ask you about your little thing!”
Paul Christy: “WILL YOU SHUT UP!!!!”Paul Christy blathers on about programming our minds. Sorry, I’m too bored to transcribe it.