Have I ever regaled y’all with stories of my youth, when I was the Pac-Man King of Aurora, Indiana?
It’s true. I used to be one bad mofo when it came to the little yellow dude who ate the dots. I’d practice day and night at home on my trusty Atari 1200XL computer, playing a pretty decent version of the game they had on there and laughing at all the geeks, nerds, and poindexters in the neighborhood who were stuck playing that lousy VCS version.
Of course, same said geeks, nerds, and poindexters rightly pointed out the fact that I was more of a geek, nerd, or poindexter than any of them. One look at the Reynolds family photo album shows that they were probably correct.
Sigh.
Or maybe they were laughing at the horrid cover of the computer version I owned.
Yeah, maybe.
Oh, who am I kidding? It was most definitely me.
But they could laugh at me all they wanted. Because he who laughs last plays Pac-Man best, and that’s exactly what I did at the little arcade on main street. Because it was there, one sunny summer afternoon, that I cemented my place in Aurora arcade lore as I hit the 9th key level and the highest score that little town had ever seen.
RD Reynolds: Pac-Man King of Aurora, Indiana.
Many years, brain cells, and bowel movements have passed since then. But apparently I was far from the only kid to become a junkie on Midway’s classic game. In fact, there’s a guy who’s playing for no less than the Dallas Cowboys that must have had a similar experience.
His name is Adam Jones, known as Pac-Man Jones to his friends.
Now I know what you’re thinking. By the stories I’ve just told, RD Reynolds and Pac-Man Jones may well pass as twins. Not so fast, Junior!
Want to know another difference between Pac-Man Jones and RD Reynolds?
I’ve never been arrested.
He’s been arrested like 6 times.
Not only that, but one of his run-ins with the law left a guy paralyzed. In February of 2007, Pac was hanging out with his rap buddy Nelly, and the two decided it would be fun to “make it rain” by throwing hundreds of dollar bills on the stage. That’s just wholesome family fun, right?
Well apparently Jones was livid at the fact that dancers began to pick the money up. Why? Don’t know, you’d need to ask Mr. Jones. But asking him such a question may put you in the same position as one of the dancers, who he allegedly grabbed by the hair and then slammed her head into the stage.
That such event would be another difference between RD and Pac-Man Jone for those of you keeping track.
Anyway, a bit later one of Pac-Man’s thugs came back to the club and started firing a gun, blasting three people in the crowd, a guard, and a former pro wrestler named Tommy Urbanaski, who wound up paralyzed from the incident.
So leave it to pro wrestling, or more precisely TNA, to come a callin’!
Look, I know WHY they did it. They wanted publicity.
To be fair, they got it.
No doubt TNA was well aware of the fact that they would catch a lot of flack for bringing in a thug like Jones, which they did.
But more than that, the bulk of the media coverage was that it wasn’t that TNA were scumbags for hiring Jones, but rather that Pac-Man Jones was devaluing himself by joining TNA.
Think about that for a moment. Here’s a guy who was involved in a guy nearly dying, a thug who had been arrested countless times. Seriously, like the lowest form of life there is, right?.
But instead of people being mad at TNA for hiring him, folks were saying that poor Pac-Man was DOWNGRADING HIMSELF BY BEING INVOLVED WITH TNA!
Soon enough, fans were treated to videos promising Jones’ arrival in the company. But instead of playing on his sleazeball antics and making him a heel, TNA had the brilliant idea to promote him as, and I quote, “the greatest team sports athlete in the world.”
Yes, Pac-Man Jones, the guy who left his Tenessee Titan co-horts out in the cold due to his rampant stupidity, was a TEAM PLAYER.
Not only that, he was coming to TNA for REDEMPTION.
I would try to explain this, but seriously, I saw this bit originally over a year ago. Therefore, I’ve had twelve months to try to figure out what precisely that could possibly mean.
And despite having 365 days to do so, I have absolutely no flippin’ idea how he would find redemption in TNA of all places.
The kicker to all this is that TNA kept stating how Pac-Man was coming in to wrestle.
The Titans, who you will recall still had Jones under contract, had other ideas, and filed an injunction to keep Jones from doing any such thing. It was finally agreed upon that Jones would appear only in a non-physical capacity.
Think TNA was going to tell anyone watching at home that?
Right.
Soon enough, Pac-Man showed up in TNA, only to be “laid out” backstage (and thus avoiding any physical contact).
An angry Pac-Man appeared on Impact to explain that he knew who was behind it, that being Ron “The Truth” Killings. He then cut a promo that sounded to have been coached by Ahmed Johnson on the guy.
Naturally, this led to Killings and Pac-Man teaming up and becoming tag team champions.
I say “naturally” because I’ve found that when I watch TNA, whatever makes the absolute least amount of sense is what is natural to the folks that run it.
What other explanation would YOU have for stuff like Reverse Battle Royals?
Since he couldn’t actually do anything physical in the ring, Pac-Man spent his days hanging out spray painting people…
…and throwing money at them, in a recreation of his infamous “making it rain” fiasco that left a guy in a wheel chair.
TNA was so appalled by the event that they had lead announcer Mike Tenay proclaim that the referee in the match was picking up the dollars like a “dance in a club!”
Nice.
And then, Pac-Man was just gone one week, never to be seen in TNA again. Which, when you think about it, is probably for the…
Hold on a moment, this just in, from the Dallas News:
“Cowboys cornerback Adam Jones placed his status with the NFL in jeopardy by getting involved in an altercation early Wednesday morning at a Dallas hotel.
According to Dallas police, Jones hit his bodyguard, Tommy Jones, at the Joule hotel. The bodyguard, police said, declined to press charges.
Deputy Chief Vince Golbeck, commander of the central patrol division, said officers were called to the Joule about 1:30 a.m. and were told there was a disturbance between Adam Jones and one of his security officers. Golbeck said officers believed Adam Jones was drinking and that he may have stayed at the hotel.”
Anyone want to bet that Jeff Jarrett’s hitting speed dial right about now?