I know it sounds impossible to believe, but I am forever on the lookout for new ideas for the site. In my quest for such freshitude, a while back I did the first ever WrestleCrap Deadsite Induction (stealing the idea from our friend Matt over at Dinosaur Dracula), in which I jump into a time machine and go back and find an ancient website dedicated to pro wrestling. I remembered that going over well, so I decided to check to see when I last did one of these…July 16, 2015. By golly, that’s (just) over a year ago! Surely that is a goodly enough length of time; I mean, doing one of these annually won’t wear out its welcome, right?
To that end, in the prior induction, I penned (pixeled?) the following sentence:
“Clicking on Chameleon actually takes me to ANOTHER site, this one dedicated solely to the Nitro Girls. A quick glance at that site tells me there’s enough material for another whole induction if folks like this one, so I’ll let it be for now.”
We ain’t letting it be NO MO.
So for all of you pining for your old buddy and your old pal RD Reynolds to wax philosophically about CHAMELEON, today is your lucky day!
Not only her, but this entire list of Nitro Girls!
<<<<<<—- This one, right here!
SPICE!
CHAE!
CHIQUITA!
CHAMELEON!
BABY!
STARR!
SYREN!
CONFESSION!
Wait, no, she wasn’t a Nitro Girl, that was me exclaiming that I am about to admit to something, namely that I legit have no recollection who over half of these particular Nitro girls even were. I believe that is because much like everything in 2000 WCW, the Girls were REBOOTED!
Now with 100% MORE FRESH FACES AND 100000000000% MORE NEW ATTITUDE!
Waitaminute…
…are you saying that Fyre (aka Juggs) had a stale face?
Or that Kimberly had an OLD attitude?
So yeah, I don’t remember much about any of these other girls. These girls who danced before and after commercial breaks and did absolutely nothing else (which was superior to when the infamous POWERS THAT BE decided to have them wrestle). But that’s the magic of 16 year old internet pages! Now I can learn all about them. In fact, let’s all go through them together so none of us will be stumped the next time someone asks, “What does Starr feel made her unique from the other Nitro Girls?”
Answer:
HER HEIGHT!
Thrill your friends and stump people waiting in line at Taco Bell for a DoubleDilla with Nitro Girl trivia!
Speaking of Taco Bell, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the banner ad at the top of this page:
Good thing USADA wasn’t around back then – I could totally see Randy Savage getting popped for FIRE sauce!
Let’s get going!
While I may not have remembered Spice, a quick poll I conducted on my Facebook page indicated that everyone else sure seemed to, and while I didn’t actually bother to tally up the votes, it appeared she was the clear cut winner.
To be fair, though, I don’t think that some of the Nitro girls you kids listed actually existed.
Yeah, I don’t think so.
I should note that since I didn’t remember everything about Spice, I decided to check in with my old pal Google and see what info they had on her. In doing so, I found this site:
Holy cow. And people used to call the original version of WrestleCrap.com “rainbow vision”(available in the archives – help us out and sign up!).
It ain’t got NOTHING on this thing.
But enough shenanigans. Let’s learn more about the girl you guys all seem to love so much.
Wow! You guys have the hots for MARTHA STEWART. What a bunch of weirdos. And apparently back in 2000, it was taboo to let people know you had a TATOO. Also, she loves coffee mugs! I’d like to think she has combined the two in a manner such as this:
That or it should be my old WWF Niagara Falls mug.
~sllllllllurrrrrrrrrp~
But to all you guys who had her numero uno, maybe you want to know if you stand a chance with her. Here’s the crib notes for what she looks for in a dude:
Got all those things?
Think your heart is kind enough, your butt is great enough?
Honestly, it doesn’t matter because, well…
Sorry, kids.
NEXT!
Pretty sure I remember Chae as one of the original Nitro Girls. And yes, the ever accurate Wikipedia (which you will recall has declared me dead three times) agrees. While she didn’t get quite the love from y’all that Spice did, she had her share of fans.
Not sure what I find more bothersome – that Jay has a FAP World Order or that Ed thought Norman the Lunatic was a Nitro Girl.
I always love it when young women get to fulfill the dreams of their youth and own ponies. I also like to think she rustles them up while riding her motorcycle. Imagine that old Atari game Stampede crossed with that old NES game Excitebike.
That’s what I’m thinking.
Tsk tsk tsk, Chae. While I applaud you for wanting to keep your own name (and thus being able to work the indies with it when you get canned), the thing that makes you unique from other dancers is that they aren’t named Chae! C’mon, kid! Use your brain!
OH! And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention this fun fact from Adam’s Wrestling Blog (which is apparently the best in the world according to Adam himself):
“During the Nitro Girls’ opening dance routine on the October 6, 1997 edition of WCW Monday Nitro from the Target Center in Minneapolis, one of Chae’s nipples accidentally popped out of her top. Cameras immediately cut to a shot of the live audience. Predating Janet Jackson’s 2004 Super Bowl wardrobe malfunction, this incident was frequently known as the “Nitro Nipple.””
Nitro Nipple, thy name is Chae.
Gonna be hard to top that, but let’s try!
Cue the sad news music: the video gallery does not work. So all we can do is wonder, exactly, what those 8.8MB QuickTime clip held inside. Was it her mom talking about how much she loved “that dancing banana”? Was it her mom dressed up as that dancing banana? Was it Chiquita herself dressed up as that dancing banana?
The mind reels at the possibilities.
And if for even a minute you didn’t understand just how much this woman’s family loved the dancing banana, check out this mesmerizing look right into her inner soul:
Yes, Chiquita, God’s gift to the art of dance!
Fresh, wholesome, and oh so humble!
Again, I am saddened that so many of these links didn’t work. I’d like to think her baby pictures had her like this:
See, because she’s a chameleon.
*tap tap tap*
Is this thing on?
On first glance, I thought for sure this said she was a marketing manager and also was a dancer at IHOP. I’d have totally been down with getting my Raspberry Sweet Cream Cheese Crepes as she did the Charleston.
NEWZ FLASH: Chameleon can show emotion.
She can show it with HER FACE.
While I knew that I had things the Nitro girls lacked (see: nis, pe), the ability to display anger with my kisser wasn’t something I had on the list.
Baby. Apparently, it just works. Won’t lie, not concerned that particular video is no longer valid. I’d imagine it was just three minutes straight of ridiculous photos of kids dressed up as cops and firemen. Like this:
Honestly, that’s just a half step up from the ones where folks want their kid in tossed into a Caesar Salad.
Those are so weird. Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to be parents.
Aww, she does sound sweet. Interesting that she apparently looks younger than her age. I wonder how old she was? Let’s Google that and find out.
Well that’s not helpful at all!
Up yours howoldwas.info!
Up next we get Starr, who apparently was known as Sapphire upon her debut.
Yes. Someone in WCW saw this:
And thought this:
(Note to self: make sure to note this in the 20th Anniversary Edition of The Death of WCW. Maybe even have Bryan sneak it in on the upcoming audiobook. ECW Press would never notice. Right?)
Someone actually wrote that sentence.
It may have been a Nitro Girl.
It may have been an intern on WCW.com.
Regardless, someone not only wrote that but likely got paid to write it.
And considering it was WCW, they probably got paid like a $100,000. I mean, seriously, anyone remember Swoll?
I bet you don’t. Heck, I wrote two books about WCW and >>>I<<< barely remember him. Didn’t stop WCW from paying him $400,000.
How on earth did I not con this company into paying me for a year or two?
How on earth did YOU not con this company into paying YOU for a year or two?
We wrap up today with Syren.
That’s right. Despite having debuted in 1999, this woman did not make it to the site:
That would be Stacy Keibler. Perhaps you’ve heard of her.
She has no profile on this site even though she is, you know, on the main page:
I <3 WCW.
(That is how you kids say “love” right? <3 is that it? You have to forgive this 93 year old for being so unhip.)
Poor Syren. I’ve completely ignored her. Because, you know, I have no idea who she is.
Wait, what?
YOU DON’T LIKE CHEESE?
Great, and NOW I am having TOM GREENE FLASHBACKS.
I HATE YOU SYREN!!!
I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shew, well, that sure was fascinating wasn’t it? Here’s to hoping in the next twelve months I can find a dead pro wrestling website that isn’t WCW related.
Last thing I can handle is any more Tom Greene.