Over the years, finding lost matches have become quite a thing for pro wrestling fanatics. With the advent of stuff like YouTube and the fact that WWE is looking to scrape every last nickel from their archives, it’s truly a golden era for all of us. Maybe you celebrated when that Bret Hart vs. Tom Magee bout (that had Vince McMahon thinking Magee was his next meal ticket) resurfaced. Older folks were no doubt thrilled to finally check out the last battle of Atlanta. And just recently, we got to see CM Punk take on no less than the ROAD WARRIORS!
But for me, the master of all things WrestleCrap, those pale in comparison to what we’re going to discuss this evening: NAILZ vs. THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR. And if you’re thinking that sounds horrible, trust me, it’s even worse than you can possibly imagine. It’s a dark match from October 26, 1992 and get this – it’s the MAIN EVENT of a taping that lasted like 5 hours. I remember those old WWF Superstars tapings and they were BRUTAL. If you never endured one of them and were curious what the poor folks in Springfield, Illinois had to suffer through prior to this epic encounter, check out this card for the ages:
- Nailz vs. Big Bossman
- Rick Martel vs. John Paul
- Jim Powers vs. Tom Stone
- Bret Hart vs. The Mountie (Jacques’ Rougeau last match for a year as he quit afterwards)
- Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Joey Maggs
- Max Moon vs. Dale Wolfe
- Lance Cassidy vs. Terry Taylor (in a TIME LIMIT DRAW)
- Tito Santana vs. DAMIEN DEMENTO
- Tatanka vs. Repo Man
- Marty Janetty vs. Brooklyn Brawler
- Kamala vs. Red Ryler
- Earthquake vs. IRS
- Big Bossman vs. Barry Horowitz
- The Headshrinkers vs. Royce Royal & Red Fox (YA BIG DUMMY!)
- Money Inc. vs. George Anderson & Gary Jackson
- Jim Duggan vs. Todd Becker
- Crush vs. Louie Spicolli
- The Berzerker vs. Buck Zumhoff (ewwwww)
- The Beverly Brothers vs. Jim Powers & Jim Brunzell
- Yokozuna vs. Kevin Krueger
- Bob Backlund vs. Skinner
- Randy Savage vs. Razor Ramon
- Bret Hart vs. Papa Shango
HOLY SMOKES. The term “killing the town” gets thrown around a lot these days, but I can’t believe any one in Springfield even uttered the word “wrestling” after that disaster. I got bored just typing it up, I can’t even imagine being subjected to that dumpster fire for hours and hours on end. No doubt some of the folks in the stands were holding out hope however, as they were promised Ultimate Warrior vs. Ric Flair in the main event!
Really, that’s what was advertised! Imagine you thinking you’re going to get the Nature Boy and as Mike McGuirk announces it’s time for the main event in rolls NAILZ. And I mean he LITERALLY rolls into the ring with the same energy I have trying to get out of bed after a night of moving arcade machines and realizing I am WAY too old to be doing that crap.
So hey, at least the Warrior came in with some energy. Maybe that was the booking plan here – to fully illustrate the dichotomy of the two performers. Here we see Warrior being full of life, ready to tackle anything, while Nailz is more methodical, cold and calculating his every move. If that was the idea, I would like to note it would be a lot more effective if Nailz wasn’t stroking his nightstick in such a lewd manner. Stop it, creepy!
The match gets underway and Nailz starts choking the Warrior. Then he chokes him some more. Then some more. And…
…then some more. I mean, I’m sure a lot of folks wanted to do that to Jim Hellwig after some of the crazy things he said over the years, but it doesn’t make for good cinema. Although with the way Warrior is thrusting his hips there, that’s probably not the kind of cinema I’d want to see anyway.
We get something completely different next. That’s right, no more choking but rather Nailz ramming Warrior’s head into the turnbuckles and the a whopping five, count ’em, FIVE punches right in the ol’ breadbasket. “Right in the broiler” I hear the ghost of Bob Uecker bellowing!
Wait, scratch that, Mr. Baseball is still with us. Thankfully I haven’t even heard he’s sick!
Back to the match, and yes kids, it’s time for even MORE CHOKING. And whatever it is Warrior is doing there. I’d speculate that it’s supposed to be selling, but I’ve never seen anyone in wrestling do that with their GROIN before.
But then Warrior starts to make a comeback, kicking Nailz in the chest, then ramming HIS head into the turnbuckle! A HA! Turnabout is fairplay! Warrior then whips his foe to the opposite corner, but Nailz, expert mat technician that we all known him to be, reverses it. The former convict comes barreling in but Warrior, showing off his cat-like reflexes, puts his foot up and staggers the big man. It’s like the world’s slowest and chokiest game of chess!
Warrior is now a man possessed, throwing clothesline after clothesline as Nailz pops up like a robot Frankenstein to politely get into position to take each one. Did Warrior always throw clotheslines right then left then right? Or did he just do that here because he and Nailz were both so clueless? I’d go back and check but that would require me to watch more Ultimate Warrior matches and I ain’t up for that.
Warrior then springs off the ropes again, dropping Nailz with a shoulder block. One big splash later and it’s all over. It’s almost like he, Nailz, and even the ref were trying to get out of there as fast as humanly possible.
And they weren’t the only ones – watch the background closely here (especially the left side) and you can see folks almost RUNNING for the exits. I mean, I can’t blame them. They’d been sitting there for hours and this – THIS!!!!! – was their main event.
A match that lasted exactly TWO MINUTES AND FIFTEEN SECONDS! And you know, that kind of begs the question…is this the worst WWF main event of all time? I’m wracking my brain to come up with something worse and I ain’t got nuthin’. Give me yours in the comments section below!