Not sure why, but I’ve been on a kick of 1986 WWF of late. Maybe it has to do with the fact the site just celebrated its 25th anniversary (yay us!), or maybe it’s because I started with that Rock N Wrestling Live Action stuff then stumbled into Big John Studd vs. Ted Arcidi and that led me right into today’s induction, wherein “Mean” Gene Okerlund heads to Tokyo to try to find the Machines. Its like someone lined up a bunch of dominoes that ended with the last one falling into a commode.
So the Machines…they were one of the first inductions I ever did on the site, and while I’ve not gone back to look at the original in years and years, I have to imagine I wrote something like “It was Andre the Giant under a mask and he was supposed to be from Japan and he was with Demolition Ax who was also under a mask as Super Machine, and then Andre could barely move so they replaced Giant Machine with Big Machine who was Blackjack Mulligan under a mask. It was all really dumb.” Can you believe this site has really been around for 25 years when it started like that? Me neither.
We join Gene wandering the streets of Tokyo, talking into his microphone to no one in particular about how the Giant Machine and the Big Machine are supposed to be in town. He then grabs the geekiest looking geek that ever geeked and asks him if he’s seen them. The doofus throws his hands in the air and proclaims “WHOA! VERY BIG and…” and then just trails off. Gene scrambles to try and cover him by explaining how they are also STRONG! This nerd can offer nothing else and just kinda walks away.
Gene continues his travels, stopping by the Fuji Bank and telling us that Mr. Fuji owns it. That joke was so stupid that I can’t even be bothered to do an audio clip of it, and by my count, I have approximately 47 more in this induction.
We get more footage of Gene wandering around and annoying everyone he comes in contract with on a very busy street. He makes sure to note how small the people are, telling us that even the cars are tiny over here! Was Vince already in the announcers’ ears at this point? He again tells us how he is looking for the Big Machine and the Giant Machine, a phrase he has already repeated at least five times. We get it dude!
His fruitless pursuit continues, as he now stumbles upon a cart in the street. He says it looks just like Woolworth’s...
…which tells me he’s never been in a Woolworth’s in his life. Since I’m as old as dirt, I have been and I can honestly say I have no clue what on earth Gene was smoking in his time in the orient.
I’d guess opium, but if Dodgeball taught me anything, it’s that opium dens are native to China, not Japan. Anyway, Gene annoys these guys too before he shambles down the street to find…
…a shoe store! He thinks about buying some loafers, but has no idea what currency they use here in this strange foreign land. He makes an Adrian Adonis joke and tells us that in addition to a bank, Mr. Fuji supposedly also owns a shoe company. Most importantly, the streets of Tokyo are buzzing about the Giant and Big Machine! The fact that seemingly not a single person knows who they are would indicate to me otherwise, but who am I to second guess Gene Okerlund?
Gene keeps on keeping on, now venturing into a record store, but not before time telling an old woman she might like some of Arnold Skaland’s old favorites. I have zero idea what that could possibly mean, and honestly, given all the seedy happenings behind the scenes back then, I think I’d like to keep it that way. He asks if they have a copy of the Wrestling Album and whaddyaknow…they do! This ends with a guy who says in perfect English “Thank you.” Maybe you should have asked that guy about the whereabouts of the Machines!
Okerlund continues his travels, bumping into folks and checking out women’s backsides. I mean, I wish I was joking, but there’s your evidence right there.
And seriously at this point he’s just grabbing random passers by and asking them “HAVE YOU SEEN A GIANT MAN?” as the most stereotypical music blares in the background. As there are twelve million people in Tokyo, this may take a while. Dumb as all this is, I have to say I do love the thought that in storyline, WWF president Jack Tunney apparently told Gene, “I need you to go to Japan and find the Giant and Big Machine”, handed him a plane ticket to Tokyo, gave him zero other info, and wished him good luck.
Amazingly however he does find them…in a dojo! Did we learn how he figured out their exact location? Of course not. He’s just randomly there, to interview the Giant Machine and the Big Machine. No wait, the Giant Machine and the SUPER Machine. He rattles off their weight and height. And he does it in metric so you know we’re in Japan!!
Super Machine takes the lead, explaining that they have been educated at the University of Tokyo, with a Masters degree in Education and in Business Administration. If you ever wanted to really stump your friends in old school WWF trivia, asking them what the Super Machine’s degree is in would be a good place to start.
At this point, Gene learns some Japanese, namely ICHIBAN, which he repeats over and over and OVER again in this interview. I’d make fun of him for that but to be fair, to this day I still say ICHIBAN NUMBER ONE at least once a week, and I learned it from this idiotic bit with Mean Gene and the Machines. Am I the only one? Please say I am.
Talk turns to if they may get a manager, and their mentor Wakamatsu-san has advised them to go under the tutelage of Captain Lou Albano. Super Machine says he’ll take care of them, and Gene snickers and says, “Yeah, he’ll take care of you alright!” HA!
Potential opponents are discussed next, including Magnificent Muraco, Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy, as well as Hulk Hogan, the latter of which causes Gene to excitedly beam ICHIBAN!!!
Giant Machine mumbles a few more things and all of sudden Gene is like WAITAMINUTE…do I know you? Super Machine says that Gene is mistaken and that he probably just saw him on TV or in a magazine. It’s worth listening to this clip just to hear Andre Giant Machine call Okerlund, and I am quoting here, MISTER TV MAN.
We wrap things up with Gene noting that everyone is looking forward to seeing them in the World Wrestling Federation, with Super Machine coming from Sopparo and the Giant Machine from the island of F-U-TOO. It’s kinda amazing in hindsight how much build they gave the Machines only to see them vanish just a few months later, never to be spoken of again!