For years, Marina Shafir was defined by who she knew, not who she was. Wrestling fans knew that, as one of MMA’s “Four Horsewomen”, she trained with Ronda Rousey and Shayna Baszler…
…but then again, the same could be said for Jessamyn Duke (That’s the one on the left).
Even after a year wrestling in AEW, Shafir hadn’t forged much of an identity for herself. But that all changed on the September 19th, 2022 edition of AEW Dark: Elevation.
After teammate Nyla Rose made quick work of a local talent, manager Vickie Guerrero handed Marina the mic.
For the first time, Shafir would get to tell the world just who she was. And yet her promo would raise more questions than answers. Questions like:
- “What am I even watching?”
- “How did this make it to air?”, and
- “No, seriously, what the f**k am I watching?”
Like Malibu Stacy, she’d ruin her first chance to speak by uttering total nonsense.
And also like Malibu Stacy, she’d got a new hat.
What kind of hat was that, anyway? It was definitely made of straw. A Panama hat?
No, that wasn’t it.
Addressing the crowd in Albany, she introduced herself: “My name is Marina Shafir, daughter of Disabella Shafir and Veniamin Shafir, and you welcomed us with open arms in ’93 when we immigrated here from Moldova.”
Well, that’s nice! So why was she screaming it at the audience? In particular, she said, “YOU!” in the same accusatory tone you’d expect from Hogan when he points his finger.
“It’s s’dory dime,” said Matt Menard, French-Canadianly.
“YOU. KNOW. ME,” said Shafir one word at a time, as if introducing a Cheap Trick song at the Budokan. “Yes, you do.”
“My parents created the problem”, she continued. “And Albany, you raised the problem. You are a PART. OF. THE PROBLEM!!!” Recall that Shafir’s nickname is “The Problem”. Also recall that Dark: Elevation is taped five days in advance, yet this promo still aired.
“ALL OF YOU! ALL OF YOU are PART OF — THE PROBLEM!” Easy there, Marina. Now you’ve got me typing in all caps and italics.
By now, the announcers were just as confused as the fans, despite Vickie Guerrero’s visual cues.
And it was only going to get weirder.
“You know me”, repeated Shafir (in all caps with periods after each word).
Shafir then paused for ten second to collect her thoughts. What did I want to say again?The exact opposite of everything I just said? Yeah, that’s it!
“You don’t know me!” Shafir said, pointing her finger at the camera.
A Joanna hat, maybe? No, that brim’s too wide.
“YOU! DON’T KNOW ME!” By now, fans were begging to get Vickie back on the mic.
“YOU DON’T KNOW ME!!!”
I don’t who she was pointing at, but he obviously wasn’t from Albany (a city that, as she’d already established, did know her).
Now sparring with the turnbuckles, Marina had positively lost her mind.
“YOU DON’T KNOW — YOU DON’T KNOW NUTHIN’ ABOUT ME!”
It was at this point, when the episode first aired, that I politely asked my brother what the hell he had on the TV.
It certainly wasn’t a raffia bucket hat — the brim doesn’t fold up.
I guess I’ll have to use Google Lens.
“Understand this”, Shafir concluded, regaining her composure but still screeching. “Under. Stand. This. When the violence [sic] play,” she paused. “Violence is always on the way.”
That first “violence” was supposed to be “violins”, but like Neil Armstrong saying “one small step for man” instead of “a man”, Marina Shafir had flubbed her big prepared epigram. It was a shame too, because aside from that, it was a pretty solid promo —
— not at all bewildering or the most horrible-sounding thing ever presented on a wrestling show.
For those not aware, Shafir’s “violins” line referred to the strings that open her theme music. But to confuse the fans even further, the segment closed with Nyla Rose’s music, which has no violins. Not even a viola!
A good heel makes you feel angry; Marina Shafir just made you feel embarrassed. If a classmate had this kind of meltdown, you’d just stare at your desk, too afraid to laugh.
In the months since this promo, Marina hasn’t been allowed near a live mic…
…and no one has come close to figuring out what she was trying to say.
Oh! Now I know!
It was a raffia cruiser hat.
But as for what her promo meant…
…Yeah, I don’t know either, dude.