Things had not been going well for Kurt Angle ever since 2004. After losing to Eddie Guerrero in a title match that WWE will forever treat as if it were the main event of Wrestlemania XX, Angle was named Smackdown GM and almost immediately was thrown off a balcony by the Big Show.
Then, when the Big Show returned to television, Angle was booed against his attempted murderer. From there, a three-way feud against Show and JBL led to such shenanigans as Angle being duped into greeting Joy Giovanni in the shower with his pants down…
…which was followed up by Angle binding and gagging Joy and stuffing her into the trunk of JBL’s limo to frame the Texan. Apparently, though, WWE was tired of Kurt being a borderline sexual predator…
…which is why they took out the “borderline” part and made Angle a straight-up violent pervert.
Fresh off one of the best Mania matches of all time against Shawn Michaels at Wrestlemania 21, Angle sought a shot at the WWE title by competing in a four-way match. Angle used a steel chair to eliminate Booker T, who would respond in kind by costing Angle the match later on. The feud, however, lacked a certain je ne sais quoi. And for the first time in the history of the English or French languages, “je ne sais quoi” would mean “Kurt Angle trying to sexually assault Booker’s wife Sharmell at every opportunity.”
It started off with Kurt calling Sharmell, and I quote, a “gutter slut.” The next week, it would escalate, as Kurt would explain in an interview that he wasn’t trying to cheap-shot Booker by insulting his wife. No, Kurt was simply a man with a vice, a vice that happened to be, you guessed it, “gutter sluts.” In a not-too-subtle promo that made Scott “Big Bad Booty Daddy” Steiner sound like Lord Byron, Kurt explained that he wanted to have sex with Booker T’s wife, and that it couldn’t be just any kind of sex, but “perverted sex.” How perverted? Well, I don’t think I can even bring myself to type it, so I’ll just let Kurt explain it in his own words.
Obviously, Sharmell and her husband were aghast that Angle would — Hold up, I can’t go any further without addressing this. For those who didn’t listen to that sound bite, Kurt said that he wanted to have “bestiality sex” with Sharmell. Did WWE really consider that the best choice of words? Had Kurt or any of the WWE writers ever looked up “bestiality” in the dictionary? At the same meeting where WWE Creative debated and settled on the term, “gutter slut,” did they also green-light the use of the word, “bestiality” on broadcast television? Were they planning on one-upping the suffering of such four-legged friends as Pepper and Lucy by bringing the Huffmans’ family dog into this feud? Kurt’s promo raised far more questions than it answered.
Still, Kurt had yet to venture out of the territory of “verbally-abusive admitted pervert,” but that changed during that night’s Booker-Angle main event, which saw Kurt leave the match to barge into a screaming Sharmell’s room backstage and shut the door. Fans at home (the few of them still watching WWE at this point) were left in the dark, as WWE’s camera crew wouldn’t enter the room to stop an attempted rape until Booker T burst in. Now that’s journalistic integrity! Unfortunately for Booker, Angle ambushed the five-time WCW champion when he arrived.
Angle would go on to explain in a mandatory apology that Sharmell had “molested” him, “fondled [his] privates,” and had only been screaming because she wanted more of Kurt’s Olympic-sized member (my words, unfortunately, not his). Kurt proved he could still be hilarious, even when playing the part of a psychotic rapist. I’m not sure that was what WWE was going for, but it at least gave the story line some redeeming value.
So did this martial arts kick to the TV set.
The video package for Booker T and Kurt Angle’s pay-per-view match answered all of the lingering questions from Kurt Angle’s “bestiality” promo with an emphatic “yes” (except for the one about looking up the definition of the word, and the one about the family dog). The video, which could also double as a campaign ad for Linda McMahon’s next election opponent, not only repeated Kurt’s use of the “B-word,” but also featured the term “gutter slut” three separate times. Sadly, it omitted Kurt’s line about the “Spinaroonie” that would make you never look at Booker T’s trademark dance move the same way again.
Kurt wasn’t done yet, though, as the night of Judgment Day saw Kurt send Sharmell a box of lingerie and handcuffs (but fortunately, no doggie treats) for their post-match festivities.
This sent Booker into a rage, sparking a backstage manhunt for Kurt Angle that featured what appeared to be Paul London in a towel taking a leak in the background. This would never happen in today’s WWE; people wait until the Divas’ matches to do that.
Kurt then showed up in the Huffmans’ dressing room, mounting Sharmell on the couch, and covering her mouth. There is absolutely no way to find humor in this disturbing scene, so instead I’ll just let you listen to Kurt saying, “she fondled my privates” again.
Booker T beat Kurt in their Judgment Day match, but that didn’t stop Kurt from trying to rape Sharmell right then and there in the ring. His plan was apparently to handcuff Sharmell to the ring ropes and force himself upon her, perhaps forgetting the tens of thousands of witnesses in the arena and the hundreds of thousands of witnesses watching at home. You would think he would have tried this at a TNA pay-per-view, not here.
Kurt’s unspeakable plan backfired, though, when Booker T handcuffed the Olympic gold medalist to the ropes before he could commit in-ring sexual assault. On an unrelated note, why do you think it is that amateur wrestling aficionados don’t like to acknowledge Kurt’s pro career? Sharmell then slapped him silly before kicking him in the groin…
…literally beating the snot out of him.
Kurt hadn’t learned his lesson, though, as he soon after competed against both Booker and Sharmell in a handicap match, which can be summed up in these incriminating photos and gifs.
Angle still insisted that Sharmell wanted him bad, and it would take yet another victory by Booker T to finally vanquish Kurt. It’s amazing the kinds of problems that can be resolved by pinning someone’s shoulders down for three second.
Somehow, all parties involved in this feud would patch things up, as three years later, Kurt, Booker T, and Sharmell were all aligned in TNA’s Main Event Mafia.
As bad as this story line was, it was still beaten out for the 2005 Gooker Award by Jim Ross’s on-screen firing and mock colon surgery. Hell, it apparently wasn’t even the worst rape-related angle from Smackdown in the past twelve months, as the Heidenreich-Cole incident was inducted years ago.
And we can all take comfort in the fact that, after being put in his place by Booker T and being shown how it felt to be put in handcuffs, Kurt Angle straightened up and never broke the law again.
