The Kurt Angle Action Short

TNA Invades The Nutmeg State

Text by Art O'Donnell

This past week saw Kurt Angle wrestle his very last match…

…and lose…

…but then get his revenge…

…and then get beaten up by someone else.

Well, you might not know it looking at him today, but twelve years ago, Kurt was capable of laying out half a dozen opponents all by himself in a barroom brawl.

(Probably because he didn’t attempt a moonsault in said barroom brawl)

See, back in 2007, with Kurt having recently joined TNA Wrestling, the company filmed a special action short for Spike TV.

Kurt’s just lucky Vince McMahon didn’t take it too personally when Kurt and TNA buried his company worse than Simon Gotch buried Enzo Amore in the related videos section on Youtube.

The short begins with Kurt Angle walking into “Stenner’s Ringside Bar”, which the subtitles say is “Somewhere in Connecticut”. Did they not have Google Maps in 2007? MapQuest? Yellow pages? If this bar is so hard to locate, I’m surprised they’re still in business.

Unfortunately for Kurt, this nebulously-located bar is apparently a WWE stronghold. For example, they’ve got framed pictures of WWE superstars.

At least, that is, former WWE superstars then signed to TNA like Kurt Angle, Christian, and the Dudleys. Presumably, there were dozens of photos of other WWE wrestlers who weren’t in TNA (yet).

It’s too bad TNA couldn’t film this at a real WWE-themed bar or restaurant, perhaps in the New York metropolitan area, but alas such a place shut down years ago.

You know the one I mean?

The Always Pounding Ass Bar & Grill?

Kurt turns heads as he walks in…

…while wearing the stupidest grin on his face…

…but the bartender is too busy chopping up limes to pay him any mind, even as he asks for a drink.

A croaky voice from an unseen figure wonders what Angle is doing “back here”, sounding like Dale Gribble making a threatening phone call. The voiceover is so bad you’d be hard pressed to figure out who it’s supposed to be, so I’ll piece it together for you:

Connecticut…

…wrestling…

…lots of money…

Yes, this guy is supposed to be Vince McMahon. I swear I did a more true-to-life Vince voice as a six-year-old commentating my wrestling figures’ matches.

Lo and behold, the video’s resolution is just good enough for you to make out a pompadour wig with streaks of grey.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DdgtOyFSH88

I should note that this video, which Youtube generously calls 480p, is not some bootleg or fan rip; TNA actually put this on their official account.

Still, I suppose it’s better than the 240p glory that was WWE’s maiden Youtube upload.

“Vince” tells his goons to get rid of Kurt. “If not,” says the boss, “you’re fired.”

Or should I say, “YOOOOUUU’RRRRRE FIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRED!”

Well, the actor definitely should, because he’s supposed to be imitating Vince McMahon. Yet he can’t even get that right!

I don’t know who Vince’s goons are supposed to be, because they don’t resemble any of his corporate stooges or superstars…

…except maybe for this guy who looks just slightly like Kane.

The bartender pours Kurt a tall pint of milk. “How’d you know my drink?” says Kurt. There’s a joke to be made here about Kurt Angle and drinks at a bar, but it would be too tasteless given his struggles with his well-publicized vice. No, not that one! I mean alcohol.

“I know who you are,” says the most Floridian bartender in all of Connecticut.

“What’s up, big man?” says the goon with sunglasses. “What brings you to lovely Connecticut?” I get that the actors need to keep saying, “Connecticut” because they need to refer to WWE vaguely enough for legal reasons but clearly enough that fans will catch on.

And I get that the dialogue has a lot of heavy lifting to do in that department, as there are zero visual clues that this scene from Universal Studios takes place in the Nutmeg State.

But whoever wrote this script made Vince McMahon sound like he owns the entire state.

In reality, of course, Vince’s wife couldn’t win a Senate seat in two tries, even after spending a hundred million dollars…

…while Vince hates the people of Connecticut so much he’s created at least four wrestling caricatures of them.

Kurt doesn’t take kindly to Vince’s henchmen (officially, independent contractors) and lets them know by making a dig at WWE Films.

“Don’t you guys have some bad movie to star in?” quips the future star of End Game. He then calls the place, “played out”. Since this bar symbolizes WWE, Kurt is, by way of metaphor, calling WWE, “played out”. Deep!

One of the troublemakers points out that Kurt isn’t wearing his gold medals, leading another to remark about those very medals (which Kurt doesn’t even have on):

“I think those gold medals of yours are messing with your mind, BROTHER!”

Don’t let the fact that the henchman thinks Kurt Angle is Hulk Hogan (an easy mistake to make) distract you from how nonsensical the rest of this line is.

Here are a few alternatives I think the script writer should have considered:

“I think that shaved head of yours is messing with your equilibrium, JABRONI!”

“I think that glass of milk of yours is messing with your eyesight, SLAP NUTS!”

“I think that American flag of yours is messing with your kidneys, SUCKA!”

Kurt walks away like a scared little bitch. That’s a direct quote from the script – it’s one of the villain’s lines (and possibly a stage direction).

The tough guys proceed to call the Olympic hero washed up and broken down.

“You know who wears sunglasses indoors?” retorts Angle. “Blind people”, he says, locking the door, “and [censored].” TNA or Spike TV muted all the profanity, but if you read Kurt’s lips, you can clearly tell what he says.

That’s right: “gutter sluts”.

Kurt proceeds to clean house, telling McMahon’s heavies that what America needs is less talk and more action.

While we’re on the subject of talk and action, in between ass-kickings, Kurt stops to chat up some ladies ducking for cover.

The crazy old guy in the bar really…

…really…

…really likes what he sees…

…but the Vince McMahon stand-in certainly doesn’t, urging his men to “get that lousy SOB!” Actual dollar bills fly off the table as he cowers underneath it.