So yes, it’s Halloween (or thereabouts) and as we always do ’round here, we start scrambling to figure out what to induct for the holiday. This year, it wasn’t even a question: I knew from the day he debuted that Kizarny was the scariest freakin’ thing I’d ever seen.
Not Halloweeny enough for you? Why not? Carnies are horrifying.
Horrifying sez I.
Laught if you will, but I’m here to tell you that I’m not the only person on the planet with a fear of carnies. Remember Austin Powers? Only two things scared that guy. One was nuclear war. The other?
Carnies.
It took years, but finally the Austin Powers fear bookends are complete. On one end, Adam Bomb. On the other, Kizarny.
Look at those two, staring at each other with bizarre, cryptic, insane eyes, and tell me what word springs from your lips.
I know what it is.
HORRIFYING.
And before I continue, can anyone explain the concept of a carnival to me in the first place? Look, I get that like 100 years ago, there weren’t amusment parks and crap to go to, so you looked forward to the carnival coming to town so you could ride a ferris wheel or play Skee-Ball. Today, though, when I see the dilapidated rides and rusted out game booths taking over a Wal-Mart parking lot, an overriding sense of utter despair fills the air, a sensation somehow made even more depresssing when the tractor trailer hauls the clattering contraptions away, leaving behind only gnawed on corn dog sticks and bent up, waxy soft drink cups.
You know the ones I’m talking about. Look like this:
Seriously, have you ever seen a cup like that in use anywhere but a carnival since the Reagan era?
No.
No, you haven’t.
So to reiterate: carnivals scare and depress me. (Even that Simpsons episode with Cooder and Spud bothered me.)
And this guy…
…ain’t gonna change my tune about tuna.
So you can imagine my reaction when I heard a carnie was going to be invading WWE in 2009.
Now usually I am all for intro vignettes. That’s how you get people excited about someone they’ve never seen. It’s just like a trailer for a movie.
But seeing literally a month’s worth of hype devoted to the wrestling carnie? Well, the movie such a particular trailer would remind me of isn’t something I’d want to see. It’s more like getting promos for The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed Up Zombies.
Again: HORRIFYING.
So yeah, those introductory vignettes. We get Ferris wheels and midway games and many random people walking around randomly. Seriously, these people look like they’d just keep walking if they ran into a wall.
I’d mock them for this, but hey, they’re the ones that chose to be at the carnival, not me.
And if you look closely…
…I think you’ll see Ortega!
You know, if Randy Orton wasn’t Bob Orton’s kid, I bet he’d wind up looking a lot like Ortega.
Face made of plastic and carpet remnants, all the whilst smoking like a chimney and destroying hotel rooms.
A few more shots later, we’re introduced to “Kizarny”, who starts speaking, you guessed it, CARNIE!
Is it just me or does he look like The Duke of Dorchester, Pete Doherty?
He does!
Well, not really. More like a cross between Jake Roberts, Vince Neil (Feelgood! Alright!), and Pete Doherty.
Not sure how three men could procreate in such a manner to create a pro wrestling carnie named Kizarny, but that’s our take on the sityeation.
While he speaks mizore Snizoop Dizogg, we get more delightful carnival shots such as a spoiled little bag of cooties hitting her father/brother in the crotch with a frog balloon…
…and a woman deep throating a sword.
Missy Hyatt, is that you?
I kid, I kid.
Missy would never go for anything that small.
And so the promos went on for five weeks or months or years or whatever. And they were all exactly the same.
Kizarny introducing himself, speaking Snoop Dogg pig latin and then random shots of carnival-y things like funnel cake stands….
…tubes like the one Homer got stuck in way back in season two…
…and, of course, the obligatory FREAK SHOW.
Now we should note that this may have been the most nonsensical of all of ’em, as he’s just stading around in front of a bunch of people saying “I….AM…KIZARNY”.
To which the crowd looked completely bewildered, no doubt thinking, “Like, umm, is this your whole act?
Are you gonna tell knock knock jokes?
Strip maybe?
Cause there’s gotta be more than this, man.”
And of course no carnival is complete without a little person.
Trust me, I’ve seen Ghoulies 2 and Tobe Hooper’s The Funhouse.
Oh, and a guy putting a nail through his nose.
Next up, Homer gets a cannonball to the gut.
Yep, THREE Simpsons references in 1 induction.
(Kelly, RD high five!)
Ok, and here’s something else that bugs us because we notice such things.
He’d say “I…AM…KIZARNY”, then he’d have SOMEONE ELSE do their freakshow talent then end it with “I……AM……KIZARNY”.
Yeah, you’re Kizarny but YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!
That guy next to you swung a bowling ball from his ears like a pendulum while you just stood there free-stylin’ like you’re having a rap battle with Eminem.
BOOOO!
Bring on Ortega!
Anyway, the day was finally here for Kizarny to spin and kick his way into WWE rings.
Which he did, in a most literarl manner.
(And do you know what’s sad? The fact that I’ve been trying for literally two years to come up with a way to get really good animated GIFs on the site, and when I finally succeed, what’s the first creation? Kizarny spinning around like a carousel.
Ah well, better days ahead I am sure.)
No doubt you’ve noticed that the dual columns have ended, thus signifying that we’re nearing the end of the induction. You may think this to be abrupt, but thus went Kizarny’s career. Following that month of vignettes, he debuted against MVP and had a couple of other matches and that was all she wrote.
Following his release, he hooked up with Stacy “The Kat” Carter. Rumors that the two are operating a deep fried Snickers stand are unsubstantiated at this time.
Why yes, we’re aware we made a similar joke years ago with the Big Bossman selling corn dogs. What can we say? We always wanted a WrestleCrap carnival!
But if that is true, I bet he runs around telling people “I am Kizarny!” whilst she is slaving over the boiling vat of grease.
Poor girl.