Since 1982, I’ve been a DC Comics fan. In fact, I can pinpoint the exact issue that brought me onto the scene, namely this one rightchere:
Yep, Batman #348. I had become friends with someone who was a comic book junkie and he’d tell me stories of how he knew just the right comics that would wind up being worth tons of money when they came out. And he swore up and down that this issue was an absolute can’t miss. After all, Batman and Robin were moving back to Wayne Manor! With that in mind, I scooped up my copy and read it from cover to cover, over and over and over again. And while I drifted away from time to time, I still wind up reading Batman comics and a few others as well. But a character I never really paid a lot of attention to was one we’re going to cover today…
This would be Swamp Thing. Pretty sure I’ve never picked up a single copy. Didn’t see the movies in the 80’s with Adrienne Barbeau or Heather Thomas either. In fact, the only real exposure I’ve had to ol’ Swampy would be the Harley Quinn animated series, in which he winds up knocking boots with Mr. Freeze’s wife. Going out on a limb and saying I am pretty sure wouldn’t classify as cannon. So you may question why, if I have no interest in the character, I would bother to spend time watching an episode from the 1992 series. Well, this would be your answer:
Like I’m going to say no to that. And thankfully, we get a monologue to start the show and get me up to speed on the titular character, as he explains to us, “The swamp is my world. It is who I am; it is what I am. I was once a man. I know the evil men do. Do not bring your evil here, I warn you. Beware the wrath of Swamp Thing.” You hear that Nash? Keep your nefariousness at home!
The show kicks off with a pair of archaeologists arguing over dinner. Now you might find this hard to believe, but the suave, smug looking guy who’s hair is just south of a pompadour is the bad guy. Shocking I know. In fact, he’s such a bad guy that he literally stabs the Mr. Whipple looking fella in a dark alley.
For reasons I don’t understand (and likely never will), this causes Swamp Thing to hold his head in agony, a stone door to open, and Kevin Nash and El Gigante to walk through dressed as Mayans. Let me repeat that – KEVIN NASH AND EL GIGANTE ARE MAYANS.
And just to beat that into my unaccepting noggin, the title of the episode is, in fact, “This Old House of Mayan.” That’s either ridiculously clever or the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, not sure which at this point. So we meet the guy pictured above who runs swamp tours for a living, who is visited by Stabby McStab who takes him by gunpoint and demands a swamp tour RIGHT NOW. Because, you see, they know where the fountain of youth or some such nonsense is located, namely right there in that there swamp.
So they fumble around and find a Mayan graveyard and the evil guy laughs in a manner that would have Terry Silver saying, “Dude, dialing it back a bit.” As they chop up ancient skulls, we get overlays of Mayan El Gigante and Mayan Vinnie Vegas looking on in utter boredom. Like I’m sure it’s supposed to be some other emotion, but I ain’t gots no idea what it is. 
FINALLY Swamp Thing shows up, watching over the Mayans who make wacky faces at skulls and walk around in circles. You’d think Swamp Thing, being the protagonist, would be paying more attention to the evil archaeologist. But instead, he tries to sneak up on the Mayans…
…and gets a Giant Gonzalez fist to the face as punishment. At the halfway point of this episode, you ain’t making me want to rush out and learn more about you, Swamp Thing.
And now we get endless minutes of everyone wandering around the swamp. Guessing this is meant to build feelings of tension, but instead it builds feelings of “what on earth is happening here and could something else happen because this is really boring and I wish I was watching something else.”
That emotion is multiplied tenfold as we then get a campfire scene and I am just BEGGING for something – ANYTHING – to happen. Seriously, they talk about burger joints and coffee beans and bug spray. I know TV back in the early 90’s was nothing to write home about, but this is scraping the bottom of the barrel. But just when I was about to give up…
…the decapitated screaming head of El Gigante comes screaming out of the flames! Heck yeah dude, I’d be firing my Colt 45’s at those logs too!
Things go from bad to worse as the crew starts bickering with each other, only to have tree limbs fall on them via MAYAN VOODOO. If Papa Shango shows up, I will recant every negative thing I’ve written thus far.
But before things can get too pulse pounding, the show gets back to what it does best – footage of men walking! And we get minutes of that AGAIN. This would be great if I was trying to sleep, but I’m trying to write an INDUCTION here. C’mon show – help me out here!
Finally the guys fall into the Mayan temple and find treasures beyond their wildest dreams. But as they try to escape with their booty…
….their path is blocked by Quixo Nash and M’tama Gigante, who take the goodies and put them right back where they belong. While also giving viewers at home a near visible shot of their buttocks. Like who asked for THAT?
Then we get the earth shattering finale which sees the Big Sexy and Giant Gonzalez pick up the bad guys and then….well, they vanish. And the doors close. And Swamp Thing, who by my stop watch has appeared for less than 90 seconds of this show, just kinda looks on, nods, and walks off. Ooooooooooooo kay. Whatever, I think I’ll just stick to Batman. Especially since that over 40 year old comic has to be worth a small fortune these days.
Or maybe not. Who cares. I’ll read that for the 500 more times before I ever going back into that swamp again!