One of these days, I’ve got to get on TNA+, if only for a month. It’s like WWE Network, but for TNA, ya know?
And notice I said WWE Network, not Peacock. That’s because like WWE’s original streaming site, TNA+ appears to have a working search function.
So I can search my favorite TNA wrestler…
…or my second-favorite TNA wrestler…
…and see all their appearances at a glance.
And while it doesn’t look like you can find individual matches, it’s still miles ahead of Peacock, where if you search for, say, Waylon Mercy…
…not only will you get an error message, but an actor from the dramatic Fresh Prince reboot will show up and call you a nerd.
Plus, there’s a treasure trove of WrestleCrap lurking behind that TNA paywall;
I can name two or three angles of Jay Lethal’s alone that deserve an induction.
I mean, just look at what TNA puts out there for free, for anyone to see.
Like this Johnny Swinger match. Remember Johnny Swinger?
The underneath guy from WCW?
The midcarder from ECW?
The journeyman from NWA-TNA?
Johnny Parisi from WWE? No?
Well that’s alright. I didn’t recognize him ten years ago, when I recapped a WWF match of his thusly:
Anyway, now that Johnny Swinger pushing 50…
…he’s back in TNA, finally looking as sleazy as his name suggests.
Wheeling him to the ring in a tiny ring cart is his protégé, Zicky Dice.
Why the tiny cart, I don’t know. I try to do my research, but this week it’s probably best to go in fresh, with as little context as possible.
Apparently, Johnny Swinger hasn’t been too successful in TNA (or Impact, as it was known this time last year). But if he can win 50 matches, he’ll get a world title shot.
Naturally, he’d like to face the lightest competition possible to get there, so Dice has enlisted a talent guaranteed to lose:
None other than famed enhancement talent Barry Horowitz.
Right away, you know this is going to backfire. It always backfires in angles like this. Besides, old Barry ain’t coming of retirement just to put over someone far less famous than him.
The question isn’t whether Barry will beat Johnny Swinger, but howquickly. Judging by the 62 year-old’s limp…
…and the fact that he can barely pat himself on the back without tearing every muscle in his upper body…
…I’d say this match has already gone too long. It’s hard to believe this is the same man who, just a year prior, went 25 minutes with Joey Janela.
Even Barry’s uptempo entrance music is goes way too hard for his energy level… and yes, I am talking about Hava Nagila on the clarinet.
But there’s more to a wrestling than entrance music and walking—what matters is what happens in the ring.
Namely, these love taps from Swinger to Barry Horowitz’s legs.
The devious Swinger even ties up Barry’s bad leg (take your pick) in the ropes, where Zicky Dice gives it an unfriendly tug.
Then Swinger crosses the line, blatantly choking Barry Horowitz with both hands…
…which Barry sells as if already dead.
Horowitz dodges a shoulder block just in time to back Swinger into the corner, where he methodically pummels him with forearms and a rake of the chest.
“You still got it!” chant the fans at Barry Horowitz, who has yet to stray three feet from the turnbuckles.
One amusing detail is Horowitz’s shorts, which read “Hitman”. Is this a nod to Bret’s ill-advised comeback, or to Barry’s early days wrestling as “Brett Hart”?
Zicky Dice then gets Barry off his game, drawing him halfway to the other corner. As the two argue, Horowitz prematurely pats himself on the back…
…then turns around to get poked in the eye.
Swinger eases Barry Horowitz into a neckbreaker (but not, as appropriate as it would have been, a swinging neckbreaker)…
…when who should arrive but… Danhausen?
No, it’s the KISS Demon.
“It’s The Demon! It’s Johnny Swinger’s worst nightmare!” Whatever you say, announcer! The great thing about this match is that it’s exactly as baffling to wrestling fans as it is to non-wrestling fans.
Another nice bit is that, even as Swinger gets completely sidetracked by Dale Torborg and forgets he’s wrestling a match, Barry still struggles to escape the neckbreaker.
The giant KISS man wags his finger at Swinger; when the camera cuts back to the action, Barry Horowitz has Swinger in an abdominal stretch…
…which he parlays into a pinning combination. Swinger is helpless as a turtle on its shell while the referee counts to three…
…giving Horowitz the win in two minutes’ time.
Swinger cries foul…
…Horowitz pats himself on the bag…
…and the KISS Demon poses triumphantly with his ax with Hava Nagila blasting through the speakers.
.@WrestleCrappic.twitter.com/cuJKqmsIZc
— Art O'Donnell (@Art0Donnell) April 22, 2024
Gene Simmons would be proud!