From the “things you never knew about Mrs. Deal and she’s happy about it” file comes this interesting tidbit: she’s a huge Zorro mark. Doesn’t matter what the context is, be it TV shows or comic books or movies, whatever. She loves the man.
Which is ironic in that she never lets me sport a mustache. Seriously, look at any picture ever of your old buddy and your old pal, and he’s never got one. A goatee is acceptable, but a plain old push broom? Fahgeddaboutit. I wouldn’t be relegated to the couch, I’d be relegated to the backyard or perhaps a non-neighboring state. Why a fictional masked man is allowed to have stache and be viewed as cool while her husband ain’t is a matter of debate. But as I long ago subscribed to the (very successful for me) concept of “happy wife, happy life” I won’t be the one arguing the point.
Long story long, her obsession with all things Zorro has led to a lot of easy gift purchasing over the years. I mean, just do a Amazon.com search for “Zorro” (by using a link like this one on WrestleCrap.com of course – it really does HELP US OUT!) and there’s absolutely no shortage of crap begging to be bought:
Seriously, over fifteen THOUSAND Zorro items. A few years back I was perusing the site (again, via a link LIKE THIS) and came across a Zorro TV series from the early 1990s. I had never seen it, but thought it would make for a good gift under the Christmas tree. Sure enough, she loved it. I hadn’t thought of it at all since that time until I noticed we’d reposted the Jesse on Renegade induction. At the end of that posting was a little blurb that went something like this:
John: “I found something else you may be interested in. Also involves Jesse.”
Me: “Oh?”
John: “Yeah, apparently he was in Zorro the year earlier. Played a guy named Big Jim Jarrett.”
Me: “Did he shoot…or I guess this being Zorro, STAB…any midgets? You know, they call ’em ‘Minis’ down there.”
John: “Uh, I don’t think so. I gotta go.”
Me: “Ok. See ya.”
I’ve put it off long enough, fellow Crappers!
Let’s dive into JESSE VENTURA BATTLING ZORRO!
Anyone who lived through the 90’s may fondly remember pop culture’s obsession with TV shows based on fantasy and mythical creatures. We had Xena: Warrior Princess, Hercules: The Legendary Journey. Amazingly, though, before those two conquered the airwaves, we got Zorro, or if you believe Wikipedia, The New Zorro, New World Zorro, or my personal favorite, Zorro 1990.
This is where I again remind you that Wikipedia has declared me dead three times so it may not be the most reliable of institutions.
Still, I have high hopes already, as the credit features our vigilante hero throwing a punch that misses by a good foot yet somehow is so mighty it causes not just one, but FOUR soldiers to collapse…
…and an undeniably 1990’s theme song.
This show is setting itself up with some mighty high expectations after that.
Our episode today opens with two boys exploring the country side, riding a horse together. One I can confirm is mute. The other, I believe, is an albino.
THIS is storytelling.
And just when you think it cannot possibly get any better, they run headlong into…
JESSE VENTURA – PIRATE!
Suddenly, I feel those elevated expectations may be met.
Especially when Jesse starts talking all piratey!
And by “piratey”, I mean he speaks in his normal Minnesota accent whilst reciting vaguely piratey lines!
Before things get too out of hand, ZORRO shows up to save the day, causing Jesse to exclaim, and I am quoting here, “Who the blazes are you?!” as they grace us with one of the worst fencing displays you ever did see.
More indescribably awesome swashbuckling statements follow, prior to Jesse the Pirate (still feels amazing to be able to type that!) falling at the blade of Zorro. He advises his buccaneer buddies to…you know what, I’ll just have the Land of 1,000 Lakes Pirate tell you as only he can!
The garrison takes Jesse to the town jail, where we learn that he is not Jesse the Pirate, but rather BIG JIM JARRETT. Cor blimey, that’s a scallywag monicker!
Wait, no it isn’t.
And you know what, as much as I hate to admit it, Jesse isn’t a very good pirate at all. Dubbing him “BIG JIM” isn’t going to help the cause, either.
It’s not long before we meet Zorro’s arch nemesis, the evil Alcalde Ignacio de Soto. When I ponder the question “What would it look like if Jeff Jarrett and Col. Sanders could somehow procreate?”, it looks just like him.
Turns out he and Big Jim have some type of history, as Jarrett hates de Soto and vice versa. Off to the pokey goes ye olde pirate, but he’s not there for long as de Soto is concerned that his mateys will break him out of there. So De Soto has his men move him in with…yes, you guessed it…
Don Diego Vega!
(That would be Zorro unmasked.)
As you would suspect, they unchain the vile pirate, and they have a nice dinner.
Really. I’m not joking. The main course of this particular meal is a heapin’ helpin’ of backstory, as we learn that Jarrett came to town not to find any treasure, but to…well, they don’t really tell us. This leads to de Soto noting that Jarrett is worth just as much dead as alive, so he pulls a gun on him…and soon we get a fire fight as the pirates show up to rescue their captain!
Somehow (and I’m still not sure how frankly) this leads to a heart wrenching meeting between Big Jim and the albino kid, as we learn that Pepe (seriously, that’s his name) is actually Jesse’s son.
To be fair, I doubt folks get too much sun up in Minnesota, so it kinda makes sense.
Anyway, these two exchange words forever. Seriously, they blabber on so long it almost had me ready to go off on a Gillman-esque rant (woe be to those who remember that sad situation). Click here if you want to hear it, but you should probably make sure to tell work you’re taking a three day weekend.
Having found his son, Big Jim gives the map to buried booty to his mateys…but he won’t be joining them to find it. Because, you see, he’s already found his treasure: an albino son.
Never has the phrase “bring a tear to Robert Gibson’s glass eye” been more appropriate.
And that wraps everything up nicely. Guess this wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be.
Wait, why are these two shaking hands?
They’re joining forces to find the REAL treasure?
You mean to tell me there’s ANOTHER episode of this?
UGH!
Unless…does it mean I get to see the intro again?
You had me at ghost punch, you masked devil you!
So we rejoin Pepe and Big Jim, who has given up being a pirate to be…
…A FARMER!
A pirate who becomes a farmer with an albino son. Amazing.
Still, it’s not long before trouble comes a callin’, as Big Jim’s plan is to simply lead de Soto on forever in his quest to find the legendary treasure and never deliver. Unfortunately, these hijynx are cut short as Pepe is kidnapped.
Kidnapped by ZORRO!
Why if I didn’t know better, I would think that de Soto may have something to do with this!
And the look on his diabolical face tells me I may just be right!
To the ZORRO CAVE we go, as we get not only a glimpse of his chemistry lab (um, what?!!!) but also the mute staring at…
…SHIRTLESS ZORRO, complete with washboard abs!
It’s too bad the kid is mute. If he wasn’t, I’m sure he’d say the same thing that I always say to Mrs. Deal when a random shirtless guy makes an appearance: “A little something for the ladies.”
For the record, I’ve been with Mrs. Deal for nearly 17 years. I’ve been saying that to her in these instances ever since we met. Imagine how many times she’s heard that same tired, awful, unfunny joke.
She remains with me regardless.
If that’s not true love, I don’t know what is.
Anyway, “Zorro” (who I name thusly because that’s how they named the fake phony Sting back in WCW vs. nWo World Tour on the N64) takes Pepe and blindfolds him, keeping him what I believe is a cave. Let’s be honest – the production values on this show leave something to be desired so you kind of have to use your imagination a lot. A sham of a ransom exchange takes place, with de Soto making himself out to be the babyface by paying off “Zorro.” He then explains to Big Jim that in order to recoup the costs, they REALLY need to find that treasure. For whatever reason, this leads to Jim deciding to raise havoc in the saloon in an attempt to draw Zorro out of hiding.
And it works, with the two duking it out. However, Pepe explains to his pirate/farmer dad that it wasn’t the same guy who kidnapped him…so they join forces to beat up the local law enforcement instead!
YAY ZORRO!
YAY JESSE THE PIRATE!
Having regained his son, and having reassured us that Zorro is in fact, a good guy, Big Jim and his son decide to set sail for the real buried treasure.
And that wraps everything up nicely. Guess this wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be.
Wait, didn’t I already say that?