OH.
MY.
GOD.
I…….I…….I’m speechless.
I am literally at a loss for words.
I have just witnessed the absolute worst wrestling match I have EVER seen in my life.
This accounts for everything I’ve seen in the WWF/E, Crockett’s NWA, Turner’s WCW, the original ECW, the AWA, Herb Abrams’ UWF, GWF, WOW, GLOW, WCCW, Angelo Savoldi’s ICW, Gordon Scozzari’s AWF, every independent territory you can think of. Even RD’s blindfold kiss my foot match was better than this week’s induction!
Remember when RD inducted “That Jackie Gayda Match”?
This week’s match makes that one look like The Midnight Express Vs. Ric Flair and Barry Windham in 1988.
Wow.
Just wow.
If you’ve never seen it, please take my advice and just read this induction. Do not – I repeat, DO NOT UNDER ANY circumstances hunt this down and attempt to watch it. The horror of this encounter is so far beyond anything you can imagine that it’s frankly incredible.
It is, of course, the infamous Jenna Morasca vs. Sharmell match from Victory Road 2009. Those who have had the misfortune of actually seeing and have lived to tell the tale? Most of them are no longer wrestling fans. Most of them, after paying witness to this, likely not only questioned their decision of being a wrestling fan in the first place, but also asked what they could have done to make God so angry that he infected their eyes with this atrocity.
And I am questioning how RD could have been so cruel as to make me watch it.
The bout pitted Sharmell (Booker T’s wife) against Jenna Morasca of Survivor “fame.”
I put that in quotation marks because I honestly had no idea who she even was before I started writing this. I not only didn’t know, but didn’t care (heck, I just learned last week who Justin Bieber is).
Apparently she became famous for getting naked on the show. Except, of course, it was on network TV and she wasn’t seen naked and thus parlayed that into a Playboy spread.
A spread, ironically, that could not have been more revealing than her ring entrance.
I bet people have had colonoscopies and had their anal cavaties that exposed.
Sharmell’s reaction was the same as mine.
And she only saw it from Jenna’s front side.
I can only assume that she was able to look right down Jenna’s throat and see daylight out the other side.
Outside the ring for this encounter? Awesome Kong.
Yes, Awesome Kong didn’t wrestle – JENNA MORASCA did.
Just take a look at Kong’s kisser. It’s the look of a woman who knows this cannot possibly end well.
The bell rings.
Historically, this has been the signal in a professional wrestling match for the action to begin.
Tonight, though, the sound inspired Sharmell and Jenna to circle each other for what appeared to be 6 months.
Finally, Sharmell attacks…with the weakest punches I’ve ever seen in my life.
I’m not saying she has to stiff her but…on second thought yes, yes, give her Stan Hansen stiff brawling.
BTW, I apologize profusely to every wrestling fan for using the names “Sharmell” and “Stan Hansen” in the same breath.
There’s also lotsa hair-grabbing.
A LOT of hair-grabbing.
If you have a hair grabbing fetish, this is a *****, grab a bottle of Jergens and ggo to town classic.
If you’re not some twisted freak, though, this is making the Miss Hancock Vs. Daffney wedding gown match look like Bret Hart Vs. Jerry Lawler at Summerslam ’93.
(Note from RD: Mad props for mentioning one of my favorite matches of all-time!)
Look at poor Earl Hebner. The guy’s reffed a million matches, and now he has this one on his permanent record.
I bet he’s praying for a group of French-Canadians to bum rush the ring.
If you’re looking for play-by-play of this one, you’re out of luck.
Just take the words “punch” and “kick” and say them randomly and at 10 second intervals.
Oh, and make sure you put the word “HORRIBLE!!!!” in front of each when you say them.
We do get a high spot, though, in the form of a Jenna cross body block.
Don’t get too excited, though – Jenna’s feet couldn’t have been more than six inches off the mat.
Still, that will have to pass for “action” in this encounter.
There’s also some random interference from Sojourner Bolt outside the ring.
Why?
Because it’s TNA and random interference for no discernible reason is a requirement in every match.
Jenna gets her comeback by lightly smacking Sharmell around.
You know what, scratch what I said in the intro – I highly recommend you go out and watch this PPV *just* to watch this moment.
Oh, and send RD an animated GIF of itwhile you’re at it, so we can do this induction justice.
It’s like Jenna is Sharmell’s older brother (yes, brother) going, “does this bug you?! does this bug you?!”
Awesome Kong is not pleased.
I’m with you, sista.
Then there’s some stupid business where Jenna pulls out Sharmell’s hair extensions, which causes her much stress.
Awesome Kong gives it back but gives her a chop that lays her out so Jenna can pin her.
Pin her with her vagina, that is.
Her filthy, filthy vagina.
In a classic “One of These Things is Not Like the Other” moment, Kong lifts Jenna up on her shoulders in celebration.
You rule, Kong.
F*** Bubba the Love Sponge.
It wasn’t long after this that TNA had decided they’d seen enough and showed Jenna the door.
And when TNA thinks you stink, it’s time to start looking for another career.