In my last induction, I chronicled the Zombie Lumberjack Match, a bout that topped many a worst-of list for 2021. And as a hokey concept showcased on pay-per-view, it was certainly the highest-profile stinker of the year. But if you skipped RAW every week and only watched the PPVs like a sensible person, you would have missed perhaps the worst match of 2021.
At least the zombies and the wrestlers cooperated with each other, which can’t be said for Charlotte Flair and Nia Jax on the August 30th edition of RAW.
As a match between two heels, it was at risk of losing the fans’ interest — and that was before both competitors sabotaged each other at every turn.
As soon as the match began, Nia charged at Charlotte, who quickly exited the ring.
After Charlotte stepped back through the ropes, Nia charged again, and Charlotte quickly exited the ring… again.
Charlotte walked around the ring some more to draw boos from the fans — a decent trick when you’ve got a captive audience, but not so wise when there’s a million-some viewers just itching to change channels and catch their fifth The Office episode of the night.
Charlotte stepped back inside yet again, and yet again, Nia charged her. Flair sidestepped Jax, who missed her like a vaccine.
But at last, it was time to get down to business, as Nia and Charlotte locked up in a long, 16-bit grapple. Button-mashing her way out, Charlotte pulled Nia’s hair and slapped her in the back of the head.
Jax splashed Flair into the corner and —
—Uh-oh! Time for the Stinkface!
Actually, Nia attempted a running hip attack that juuuuust missed. As it turned out, Nia’s booty-shaking was pretty much the only thing in this match that wasn’t half-assed.
As if this match needed to slow down its blistering pace, Charlotte jumped up and grabbed Nia in a headlock, holding on long enough to recite the entire Gettysburg Address. But at least they finally worked out a game plan for this mess of a match. That game plan was for each woman to make the other look as bad as possible.
How else could you explain this spine-and-foot-buster?
Charlotte kicked out at zero and — you guessed it — rolled out of the ring.
As a perturbed Nia Jax jogged towards Flair, the champion ducked, leaving Jax to tumble to the outside and land on her feet.
Charlotte launched herself over the top rope, knocking down Nia until she sat right back up.
The ladies found themselves in another headlock when Raw returned from commercial. Nia was apparently as sick of headlocks as we were, dumping Flair to the mat as Corey Graves euphemistically deemed the match “personal” and “physical”.
Shortly after, Nia countered Charlotte’s moonsault with a knee (or something), then took her down with a Samoan drop (or, as she might call it, a drop).
Once again, Charlotte moved out of the way an eternity-and-a-half before Nia’s offense would have connected. Charlotte gave Nia a worked boot to the head, but her subsequent front facelock was a no-go.
It was then that their passive aggression finally gave way to regular aggression.
Charlotte slapped Nia. Nia shoved Charlotte.
Charlotte shoved Nia. Nia slapped Charlotte.
I got flashbacks to childhood fights with my much larger siblings.
Each woman blocked the other’s moves. Charlotte attempted a huracan-nada, which morphed into a reverse DDT, and ended up as the world’s first inverted clothesline.
And after all that, Nia still kicked out and sat up like it weren’t no thang.
Charlotte chop-blocked Nia and nailed her with some right hands until Jax kicked her away.
The Queen then worked Nia’s leg some more and engaged in some malevolent twerking.
As Charlotte attempted the Figure Four, Jax booted her gingerly into the covered turnbuckle.
Charlotte acted as if knocked out cold, then got slammed by Nia for the 1-2-3.
In a doubly miraculous turn of events, someone finally sold some offense, and the match finally ended!
Nia celebrated her hard-fought victory — and didn’t she look happy!
But the last shot we saw was of Charlotte, holding her belt. Oh crap… That meant there would be a rematch for the title, didn’t it?
Fortunately, the rematch the next week was much shorter and smoother than the match Graves and Saxton spun as “really gritty”. Charlotte won due to shenanigans by Shayna Baszler…
…only to be challenged by Alexa Bliss and her doll.
Who says Charlotte gets all the breaks in WWE?