Note from RD: As is the annual WrestleCrap tradition, we are once again inducting a Christmas movie that has nothing to do with wrestling, but everything to do with crap. Enjoy!
Before you read another word, I want you, dear reader, to do me a favor: look at the JPG directly above the blue text that reads “Theatrical Release, 1996”.
Frightening, huh? The combination of bright green eyes, gaping nose hole, razor sharp teeth is…I must admit, that’s a pretty jarring sight. And when you factor in a giant tongue that looks like about seven half-eaten packs of Big League Chew? That’s grade-A “scare the feces right out of you” material. Perfect, perfect, I say, for a horror film.
So it’s a shame that, despite being on the DVD case, and indeed resembling what I envision when I think “killer snowman”, this guy isn’t in the movie we’re looking at today.
The movie in question? Jack Frost, of course. Good Lord, you should know what it is, because it was YOUR decision to have me watch it. You all voted, remember?
While I love each and every one of my fellow Crappers, I must admit that your idea of yuletide fun, which entails having me strapped to a chair, eyeballs pried open with toothpicks, amd watching some pile of crap DVD about a killer snowman, has me a wee bit concerned.
Still, I could have been watching that horrible Grinch movie with Jim Carrey, so I shan’t be too upset.
So what can I tell you about this movie?
Well, for starters, I can say beyond any and all reasonable doubt, this film stars folks I have never, EVER heard of.
Well, with one very notable exception: Shannon Elizabeth. Remember her? She was the skank foreign exchange student in American Pie.
Like so many similar Hollywood starlets, young Shannon had to be very careful so as not to be typecast in such a role. Thankfully, she is able to avoid such a trap in this film as she does not portray a skank foreign exchange student.
Instead, she portrays a skank AMERICAN student.
Good for her!
I supposed I should get down to the nuts and bolts of the “plot” we are offered. Basically, there’s a serial killer by the name of Jack Frost, a guy who is not, in fact, a killer snowman. No, it’s just a guy who happens to be named “Jack Frost.”
All I can say is if the dude off’ed his parents after naming him that…could you really blame him?
Despite being able to evade the nation’s top investigators, he is eventually caught by a local yokel cop in some podunk town named “Snowmonton.” Yes, “Snowmonton.” Why it’s not “SnowMANton” I have no idea. At least that would have made sense.
Anyhoo, Jack is given the death penalty and is wheeled over to the big house to be fried.
Except he never makes it.
Instead, the truck transporting him there (which helpfully has “STATE EXECUTION TRANSPORT VEHICLE” on the side. I’m thinking if you see that, it’s probably a wise idea to get as far away as possible.
Another RD Travel Tip™: if you see a vehicle passing you that says “Genetic Research: Caution Acidic Solution”, use equal caution.
And should you see these two jalopies slam into each other?
RUN FOR THE HILLS!
For that is what happened to poor ol’ Jack, causing his head to literally spin like a top.
I think, yet I am not sure, the high tech camera trick to your right was used to indicate that the truck he was in was barrel-rolling down the road.
The reason I cannot verify this is because he sure looks like he is having fun. Seriously, the goofy smile on his face is the exact same look I’ve seen on souvenir photos of 13-year olds sitting next to me on Splash Mountain.
And much like that ride, Jack too gets pelted with water.
But this isn’t just any water; it’s GENETICALLY ALTERED WATER!
This loopy liquid thus transforms Jack from serial killing human to…
…serial killing snowman!
And why yes, he IS driving a car. What did you think he would do? Belly whopper around town looking for victims?
The question is who could stop a killer snowman, particularly one tooling around in a 1987 K-Car?
Why, the same guy that put him on death row in the first place: Sam the Sheriff.
But Sam isn’t by his lonesome. He’s aided by various ding dongs and nitwits around town, including a woman who looks EXACTLY like Adrienne Barbeau.
Why, precisely, a woman in 1996 would want to pattern herself after Miss Barbeau remains a mystery.
Maybe she had a Swamp Thing fetish.
Sam’s family is also along for the ride, including his dippy son who spends half his life in the kitchen cooking up glop like black oatmeal.
My theory here is that the kid is trying to kill his old man for forcing him to walk through school halls with that hair cut.
And then there’s Jill (Shannon Elizabeth), the resident town slut, who appears to have the entire town at her whims. I mean, look at poor Billy here. He’s so whipped by her that he is erecting SNOW STATUES of her likeness.
That’s poontang power right there.
In a shot that was no doubt to appear on Billy’s Christmas card, the two cop a co-op feel on her snow boobies.
You know, for a movie about a killer snowman, we’ve not seen much killing yet.
No time like the present to get started, then. First up on the chopping block are some bullies who are making fun of Sam’s kid’s snowman.
We’re not really informed why these punks are picking on the cop’s son, but my guess is they are upset with the snowman’s lack of breasts.
So upset that Frosty promptly trips the bully, then decapitates him with a sled.
Jack follows this up by putting an old geezer into deep freeze…
…and then strangling some hag with garland and putting a star atop her head.
He may be a killer, but I gotta give him props for being festive.
Well, except for the guy that he just gagged with an axe.
Thankfully, he did so with a witty quip , so we’ll still give him style points.
Not as many, though, as when he turned himself into liquid and entered a dude’s body, only to later be regurgitated into his normal snowman state.
Of course, the coup de grace for Jack’s homicidal rampage would be reserved for Jill the Whore.
See, while she thought she was just taking a nice, warm soothing bath (no doubts in hope of flushing out a yeast infection)….
…she would soon discover she was in for some SNOW MAN LOVIN’!
In a scene sure to generate a lifetime of nightmares to all who would witness it, off came Jack’s nose, going from his face to…well…
…his crotch.
A scant few thrusts later, Jack was bemoaning his lack of staying power.
I don’t know, dude. I think I’d be less concerned with premature ejaculation and more bothered by people calling me “carrot cock.”
Of course, killing the local ho wasn’t about to endear Jack to the townsfolk, who figured out how to off him: via HAIRDRYER.
And thus Jack was sealed in a boiler, and everyone lived happily ever after.
Or would have, if Jack couldn’t turn into steam and escape.
Just when it looked like Jack was unstoppable, our heroes came up with a way to truly harm him: force feed him some of Junior’s oatmeal.
What the hell was in that stuff, you ask?
See, I told you he was pissed about that haircut.
One pickup truck bed full of Peak later, Jack is history.
But not before Sam mounts him like a gay rodeo clown.
What a weird movie this is.
And that’s it until next year, when you guys will get to pick out some other Christmas cinematic stink bomb for me to review. Oh, and before you get any ideas…
…no.
One mutant snowman movie is quite enough for this site.
Merry Christmas!
– Jack Frost: “Gosh…I only AX-ED you for a smoke! HAHAHA!”
– Jack Frost: “Looks like Christmas came a little early this year!”
– Sam’s son: “I didn’t want you to get cold!”
Sam: “What did you put in the oats?”
Sonny: “Anti-freeze.”