WrestleMania.
Just five syllables, yet a lifetime of memories if you are a wrestling fan. So many awesome matches, so many unforgettable moments. Who will ever forget Hogan slamming Andre? Or Steve Austin vs. Bret Hart? Or the tearful reunion of Randy Savage and Miss Elizabeth?
As funny as it may sound, none of those are the WrestleMania moment I will never forget. No, the one that I remember, the one that will be with me until I take my final breath, is that of the WrestleMania VII Instant Replay Debate.
See, while the rest of you have these awesome moments replaying in your mind’s eye, I get stuck remembering things like this, that have absolutely zero value and that I suspect not even .000000001% of you reading this have ever even heard of, because that’s what the guy who’s been running a website dedicated to the WORST in wrestling for the past eight years would remember.
Sometimes it sucks being RD Reynolds.
As stated, I have full confidence that the grand majority of you reading these pixels shaped like letters that make up words have no clue what I am talking about, so a bit of backstory. This fiasco took place at WrestleMania VII, which, by almost all calculations, was one of the worst WrestleManias in history. In fact, I have been asked on occasion to just induct the whole damn thing and be done with it. And while you can no doubt make a case for that, I have yet to do so. But I cannot in good conscience let another year go by without inducting this idiotic segment, a segment that took up a full ten minutes.
“Oh, RD,” I can hear you saying, “it was only ten minutes. That’s not that bad!”
To which I would reply, “Listen, you ninny…we’re not talking ten minutes. We’re talking ten WRESTLEMANIA minutes. That’s like the concept of human years versus dog years…times a zillion! You know how many guys would have given up their left (and likely right) testicle for ten minutes at WrestleMania?”
Consider this: Sting has never appeared at a WrestleMania.
No, Sting has never appeared at a WrestleMania…but PAUL MAGUIRE HAS.
FOR TEN WRESTLEMANIA MINUTES.
So why was an NFL analyst taking up valuable ticks off the clock at WrestleMania, you ask? To debate the virtues of instant replay, of course!
The subject was a lukewarm topic in the WWF for two primary reasons:
1) The Ultimate Warrior had lost his WWF title after being clonked in the head by Randy Savage’s scepter.
Yes, Randy Savage used to carry a SCEPTER around. And he wore a crown.
Sometimes, it’s best not to ask.
Oh, and…
2) The NFL had instituted it. In the early years, it was considered a fiasco.
Why either of these reasons would warrant a debate – at WRESTLEMANIA, mind you – I have no idea.
But a debate we got, moderated by Vince McMahon himself.
And not just any old Vince McMahon, but rather Vince McMahon with…
THE POWDER BLUE SUIT~!
(tildebang~! on loan from Figure Four Weekly)
You know, if this man ever wanted to be REALLY hated these days, and not just be the goofball bad guy he is now, he’d yank one of those double breasted bad boys out of the mothballs.
We’ve made it quite clear that Paul Maguire was one of the debaters, but what about the flipside of the coin? That would be none other than New York Yankee owner and perennial hothead, George Steinbrenner, who gets to fire the opening salvo in this affair.
Before doing so, however, George states that he and Jack Tunney go back “quite a ways.” I don’t know about you, but my mind swirls at the mere idea of a Tunney-Steinbrenner summit.
Anyway, apparently he is for the idea of instant replay, as long as they don’t take more than 60 seconds. If they do, he proclaims, you fire him on the spot.
Such an appalling suggestion causes Vince to make this face…
…and then this face…
…before he finally settles upon this face.
I bet that would make a really funny animated GIF. Let’s see if I am right.
I don’t know what’s more hypnotic: that suit or Vince’s pompadour. Seriously, if Vince’s ‘do were to take on Honky Tonk Man’s bryl cream mop, my money’s on Vinny’s follicles.
Oh, and here’s the audio.
I love the fact that not only is Vince flabbergasted at such a notion of canning the guy, but that he’s confused, asking, “from his job?!”
Maybe Vince thought Steinbrenner wanted the ref fired from, I don’t know, his synogogue or something.
And it wasn’t like George said that Vince should fire the ref and then shove the guy’s head up the boss’ anus.
Take a chill pill, Vinny!
So over to Paul McGuire we go, who I believe may be in a prison. Or at the circus, hard to tell.
Anyway, he doesn’t so much give us a yay or nay on the issue, but instead bellyaches about how he got suspended for gouging some dude’s eye in a football game.
That causes Vince to make this face.
And this face.
And then this face.
You know what Vince needs there?
Yep, an ice cold can of Colt 45.
Which begs the question: why has Billie Dee Williams never been a celeb at WrestleMania?
Back to Steinbrenner we go, who offers up that replay wouldn’t solve anything…but firing Hebner would. I bet, in hindsight, Bret Hart would be siding with George here.
Maguire’s rebuttal consists of him calling Steinbrenner a “butthead.“
Yeah, you can pretty much guess George’s response to that. He continues on, stating that McGuire was actually just a crappy punter.
Such harsh language is too much Vince, who says, and I quote:
Vince then states that they need to actually go to the instant replay to decide the debate. I’d ask what, exactly, is under review, but that would require me to go back and look at everything again and in this instance, I am rabidly against instant replay.
And when I see that the replay officials are THE BUSHWACKERS, well, I can’t say that I’m going to soften that stance.
Oh man, this isn’t good,” McGuire states in the most truthful statement ever on WWF television.
And then it gets worse, as we get a REVERSE ANGLE REPLAY. Not sure who thought that we needed a two camera set up to capture the entity that is Paul McGuire, but someone did.
Still, I must state that at this angle, Paul looks exactly as excited as I am right now reviewing this stupid skit.
Finally, we go back to Vince McMahon, who makes his greatest facial yet.
(And yes, I do feel somehow wrong for putting the words “Vince McMahon” and “facial” in the same sentence.”)
As you no doubt guessed, the replay proves inconclusive.
Inconclusive? I don’t think so.
After all, I’ve never seen anything more proof positive of being WrestleCrap in my life!