I remember when I was a kid wondering why there were never television shows that just followed normal people around during their daily lives. Surely, I thought, there are folks in this world that are interesting enough all by themselves that they wouldn’t need scripts or props or sets to make for entertainment worthy of my time. I mean, surely that had to be the case, right?
Wait, when did AJ Lee become the official shoulder shrugger of WrestleCrap.com?
Did I miss a memo?
I guess I didn’t.
Anyway, I am sure I am not the only person who had that idea rolling around in their heads. Of course, the 1990s hit and we’ve been flooded with reality television shows ever since. They are mostly horrible, and “reality” in the loosest sense imaginable. What was once something I thought would certainly hold my interest became crap scripted worse than the most horribly 80s sitcom imaginable (Small Wonder, I’m looking at you!) and I lost interest in the genre altogether.
I mean, at least until Steven Tyler or Mariah Carey return to American Idol. Then my eyeballs will be Kraggled to the set.
So it should come as no shock that I missed this particular gem we’re inducting today upon its initial showing. In fact, I had never even heard of it until I posted on Facebook that I was looking for something to induct this week. Fellow Crapper James Christopher immediately PM’ed me and suggested Ric Flair on Lizard Lick Towing.
Lizard Lick towing I asked?
No really, I asked that:
Time to dive in and see if this is really the HOOKIEST show ever created!
Whatever that means!
Lizard Lick Towing is a program on Tru-TV which stars Ron (who likes to cross his arms), Amy (who likes to cross her arms), and Bobby (more a hands on the hips type of guy). As best I can tell, they run a repo business in some backwater town in the southern US of A. Not sure if they are brothers, or how Amy fits into everything. There’s also a dog, but I am guessing he isn’t important, as he didn’t warrant a “RAM TRUCK” style license plate name tag.
Speaking of which, the new Raw logo?
I mean, I’m not the only one who sees that, right?
So Bobby and…wait, what are their names again?
Bobby, Ron, and Amy are at the office, with the boys talking about their new line of work: personal security. Despite them apparently just deciding to start doing this, they have a gig lined up for this very evening. And it’s with a celebrity! As southern rock that would make Duke Jupiter proud blares, we get the following dialogue:
“It’s going to be a fancy shindig!” Ron notes.
“We need to have our shoes shined!”exclaims Bobby.
Either this is indeed completely ad libed, or the person scripting it had previously written nothing but books published by the Troll Book Club.
Not so fast, says Amy! First you need to go get this motorbike from someone named Corey, who is, according to this skunk haired lady, an “up and coming motocross kid!” Despite the boys protesting that they may get hurt (or worse yet dirty!), she is steadfast in her request, trumping them with the age old adage, “REPOS COME FIRST!”
Listening to their woman, the boys head out to the dirt bike track to nab the bike, stealthily splitting up to avoid attracting too much attention. They’re hanging from the rafters with a sell out crowd at the event, at least 9 people in attendance and a guy dressed up as a pig for no obvious reason.
So Corey wins the race, and makes his way back to the trailer. Ron then attempts to simply jump on the bike right in front of him.
I’ve never attempted to repo something, but that seems like a poorly thought out idea.
So disappointing.
I mean, for one thing, the pig guy was RIGHT THERE. Knock out that dude, steal the costume, and drive off on the motorbike while dressed as a pig. Is writing reality television THAT hard?
And if you guys are really repo men, did you learn nothing from the master, Barry Darsow?
In the archives, kids!
Instead, these two stand around like dopes while Corey does donuts, hooting and hollering, and then eventually coming straight at Bobby on his bike.
At this point, I have but two questions:
- Isn’t Ric Flair supposed to be on this show?
- How hard is it to move out of the way of a slow moving motorcycle doing a WHEELIE? I mean, you steer a motorcycle with a front tire – if that’s off the ground, the thing can only go in a straight line!
Undeterred, Bobby steals a different bike and starts racing after Corey. This leads to Corey looking to escape by getting into his trailer, which is foiled by…
…Ron somehow jumping the guy as he slowly drives by. Amazingly, this allows the Lizard Lick Towing Company to successfully get the bike. Don’t ask, that will just slow the show down.
Daunted but determined, Corey issues the following warning to our heroes:
Usually I would say that folks shouldn’t shout such things, but for all I know calling him an “inbred hillbilly” may well be a factual statement.
The bike successfully retrieved, the boys head back to the repo depot, and start to get gussied up for their big evening. But lo and behold, they’re not going alone! No no no, get this – AMY is coming with them! What? Is she kidding?
“Y’all look good in y’all’s monkey suits, I look good,” she beams, “so let’s go!”
They hop into Amy’s decidedly non repo looking SUV and to quote the legendary Steve Austin, the trio begins hee-hawing like a bunch of jackasses, talking a lot but saying absolutely nothing.
In fact, I would probably have not even mentioned this scene except I wanted to include this shot of Amy. And also this sound clip of Amy talking about “PRESTIGIC people” and the boys talking about who would be securing said person’s rear.
Not a moment to soon do they get to the hotel only to learn trouble is afoot, as they discover they aren’t listed as the security for this evening. A meeting with the actual security guards goes just as well as you’d expect.
Actually, that’s a lie.
You’d expect it to wind up being a physical altercation.
What you would not expect is it to be the softest physical altercation this side of a Brownies troop flag football game. On the plus side, Ric Flair finally makes his appearance, sadly looking like totally confused like an Alzheimer’s patient who somehow got out of Shady Acres.
“Whoa whoa whoa!” sayeth the Nature Boy. “We’re going to a party, not WrestleMania!”
And here you thought the scripting on Raw was bad.
With that, the original security guards learn that they have been given the night off and Bobby and Ron will be escorting Ric Flair to his charity function. “A great security team,” Flair notes. “Comes with a pretty lady and all!”
With that he eyes Amy up and down, finally asking, “So…you married honey?”
Ok, THAT I can buy Ric Flair saying.
To the event we go, and the guys secure Naitch by getting out of the car first and saying, “Yep, all’s clear!” With Flair and Amy safely inside, Ron starts examining the parking lot and by golly, wouldn’t you know it, he finds a car they’ve been trying to repo! What a coincidence! I mean really, what are the odds that something like this would happen on this reality show about repo men?
After being chastised by Bobby (“We ain’t repoin’ tonight! We’re on security!”), Ron sneaks away and calls in reinforcements from the company to swing by and get the car while everyone is inside. As you would suspect, this also goes horribly awry with the car’s owner (or I guess not, seeing as it’s being repossessed) coming out and starting a fight with the Lizard Lickers.
And it’s another terrible, patty-cake level fight.
I mean, when RIC FLAIR shows up at your battle royal and it still sucks, you should probably never do another fight scene ever again.
“You are running a repo during my event? This is embarrassing!” says Flair in such an obviously ADR’ed moment I have to question why I ended that sentence with an exclamation mark. I get the feeling as they were editing the show, the producers realized they needed that line for whatever reason. They then called Flair at a bar and told him he had one take. Boom.
With that Flair tells the guys to take a hike.
“You’re fired. You’re done!”
He then goes back in, making sure to take Amy with him. Presumably to fornicate. Again, the only thing I even remotely perceive as having any semblance of realism on this show.
The following morning, the trio are back in the shop discussing the night’s events and who exactly is to blame. Before they can get too far into the debate, they notice something on their security camera:
Corey, who is back to take back his motorcycle Duke Boys style (if you’re a child of the 80’s) or Vanilla Ice style (for those of you 90’s kids) by JUMPING IT OVER THE FENCE. But you can’t get away from Lizard Lick Towing that easily, with Amy coming out to punch the guy off the bike. “You got beat up by a girl!” Bobby taunts with all the maturity of a third grader.
With Corey in check, the guys head to Ric’s hotel to apologize, bouncing around the idea that a proper apology to the Nature Boy would be offering to take chops from him as repentance. I honestly would be shocked if someone in the wrestling business had NOT offered the same following a match in which they botched a spot with the guy.
Instead, they catch up with Ric in the lobby offering him North Carolina BBQ which they promise is “gooder than grits”. (And just like that the show redeems itself, as that was the slogan of a restaurant I loved as a kid called PO FOLKS, where you drank out of old mason jars.) Flair is unconvinced until…well…the boys state that Amy will be there to “serve” him.
You doubted that Naitch would be there with that promise?
Some BBQ or whatever glop later, all is well and Ric is now an honorary member of the team. A quick fade and we’re out.
While this was hokey and stupid, let’s get real. It’s not the most absurd thing Ric’s ever done.
And if you somehow missed THAT appearance, you can check out Reality Show Ric’s legendary Wife Swap appearance, which is inducted rightchere!!