Long-time Crappers know the story of the legendary Hulk Hogan Thunder Mixer, but for those of you that don’t, here’s the skinny: according to legend, the Hulkster was going to be offered a grill that would allow fat to drip away from whatever meat you slapped in it. Sadly, he missed his agent’s phone call regarding the opportunity and it fell into the hands of George Foreman instead.
The rest, as they say, is history. Foreman made a gazillion dollars on the grill, enough so that apparently he could get oven mitts made that looked like boxing gloves. Honestly, looking at that photo, I’m kinda glad that Foreman wound up with the grill instead of Hogan. I like the oven mitt that much. Seriously, what would Hogan wear for pub shots like this? That idiotic plastic helmet?
I digress. So anyway, Hogan lost out on the grill and instead wound up marketing a stand alone mixer. But not just any mixer:
THE THUNDER MIXER!
I have one. I believe the great Dr. Keith Lipinski sent it to me years ago, and I’ve held it near and dear to my heart. As near and dear as you can hold a mixer that runs on two AA batteries that can not actually crush ice, that is. And yeah, it’s a pretty limited piece of tech we’re looking at here. What kind of mixer can’t withstand the might of an ice cube?
As you’d likely expect, it didn’t sell very well. In fact, you can get them on eBay for under $10. Why you’d want to spend $10 for such a contraption is beyond me, but hey, your money, you do what you want with it.
Thankfully, Hulk rebounded from the Thunder Mixer to come back with another kitchen appliance: the Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grill! It was featured long ago as a Someone Bought This and also made an appearance in The WrestleCrap Book of Lists! (which you can pick up autographed here along with the original WrestleCrap book for just $17.95 with free shipping).
Egads, that was a terrible sell job. I should really work harder doing such things, especially since the quarterly payments for the site’s bandwidth are right around the corner. Oof.
Perhaps I should look to a professional on how to sell something.
Perhaps I should look to Hulk Hogan…and his Ultimate Grill Infomercial!
That’s right! The Ultimate Grill actually had an INFORMERCIAL, starring none other than the Hulkster himself. This was Hogan’s chance to come back and try to capitalize on something that he lost, oh, $38,155,980,237,584,184,648.96 on. Surely he’d put his best efforts into it to try to regain some of that lost moolah, right? Let’s find out!
The festivities begin with Hogan flexing and begging us to stick with him for the next half hour so he could present to us his latest invention. Seriously. He said this was HIS INVENTION. If Vince really wanted two-million subscribers on the WWE Network, I can think of no better vehicle than In The Lab With Hulk Hogan. In my mind’s eye, I can already picture Hulk in a lab smock, sitting around with blue prints, wiring diagrams, and a table full of circuit boards as he contemplates what apparatus he could come up with to make the world a better place.
Never has the phrase “license to print money” rang more true.
But Hulk’s not flying solo today. He has a man named “Bob Warden” sharing hosting duties. In the words of Homer Simpsons, “I have no idea who that is.” A quick Google search reveals he “has proven taste and sizzling passion for great food as a television cooking celebrity, kitchenware developer and cookbook author.”
Look at Hogan’s face – he looks just as impressed as I am.
And to be be fair, throughout this entire infomercial, Hulk sounds as though he’s just woken up from a nap, reading the script in a manner so wooden you’d think they handed him a script, told him to memorize it in two minutes, failed to do so, and then they just threw up cue cards and shot the thing in an hour.
You know, kinda like all the movies he’s done.
Which you can read about in the WrestleCrap archives! (Now THAT’s better!)
The premise of the first part of the video is to compare the Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grill…or HHUG as I like to call it…to other kitchen appliances. First up we get a comparison to the George Foreman Unnamed Celebrity Indoor Grill.
As Bob explains that this particular grill doesn’t cook the meat evenly, Hulk is taken aback by the grease that has glopped out. “This grease is HORRIBLE here in the tray!!!!” the Hulkster exclaims!
Compare this to the HHUG, where it has a hinge to allow it to properly cook the meat. Bob informs us that they’re going to be “moist and crispy on the inside!” It’s been years since I’ve had a hamburger, but I never remember wanting the middles of them to be CRISPY. “And notice this guys,” Hogan notes, “these are HULK-SIZED burgers!”
Actually, I shouldn’t be putting in ALL CAPS or exclamation points, as Hogan is just kinda yawning the dialogue out here.
I mean seriously, could the Immortal One look any more bored?
Should also make mention that after every item they grill, Bob hands it to Hulk and forces him to eat it. I bet the poor guy gained at least ten pounds in the span of a half hour.
Competitor #2 is a “professional Panini Maker”, which according to Bob costs $430.
“WHAT?!” Hulk bellows.
Wait, I did that wrong.
“what?” hulk politely asks.
Much more accurate.
They note that the Panini Maker is very heavy, and thus no one wants to haul it around the kitchen. Not sure about you, but I never really consider the WEIGHT of my kitchen appliances when pondering a purchase.
“Pizza is my favorite,” says the Hulk, as we get our next competitor, a pizza maker. To be fair, I’ve never understood these devices, so I am guessing they won’t have a hard time convincing me that the HHUG is a better device.
And that’s a good thing, as the entire sell job is Hulk telling us “it looks hot” to which Bob confirms, “it is hot.”
I can’t believe I’ve already written a 1,000 words and I’m only 5 minutes into the video.
“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day,” recites Hulk from what I believe may be a 1980’s educational film strip, and then explains that he cooks for his entire family. His entire family that must REALLY love sausage, so much so that there are literally PILES of sausage on the griddle. Seriously, there’s like three dozen sausage links compared to TWO pancakes. I’d like to think that he, Nick, Brooke, and Jennifer cut the pancakes in half as they each consume a pound of pork. Not sure how they divvie up the eggs, but I bet it involves arm wrestling. At least I hope it does.
The HHUG on the other hand makes cooking breakfast much easier. To be fair, though, I really can’t tell you what is being served here. I guess those are super underdone pancakes on the bottom, maybe hash browns up top. The upper right is a true mystery, however. I want to say the red stuff is bacon, but it also kinda looks like a fish or something.
Gross.
After this, we leave the Hulkster and Bob behind to GO TO THE MALL! The grill is demonstrated to passers by, all of whom are amazed by what they’ve seen. The highlight is the kid above, who can’t wait to take it back to college with him, as he believes this device is going to make his dorm room THE place to be.
I don’t blame you for not believing me, so here’s the audio to back up his story.
HHUG = BMOC!
Frozen steaks are next on the menu, as Bob notes no grill can cook these properly. “But that’s a two inch steak,” mumbles Hulk.
No offense, but c’mon, guys. That thing is an inch tops. If that’s a gauge of Hogan’s ability to measure, I’m thinking the 24″ pythons are less than a foot around.
We also learn that you can split the grill apart and turn it into the “ultimate buffet warmer.” Again, I am somewhat baffled by what is on the grill. I think the thing in the middle are chicken wings. I think that the bottom right has some Bagel Bites, maybe? Beyond that, no clue. Most of it just looks like rocks and sea shells, neither of which I’d want warmed.
Or want to eat for that matter.
With the purchase of the HHUG, you get not only four plates, but a special book: Hogan Knows Grillin’! Sadly, a Kindle version is currently unavailable.
And yes, I did look.
Did I tell you the informercial has a theme song?
And that it’s horrible?
Grilled cheese sandwiches are the next culinary masterpiece on the menu, as you can slap four of them in the machine and get the cheese to not only melt, but melt all the way to the middle!
Is that really an issue? I mean, Mrs. Deal thankfully handles the cooking at the Reynolds Ranch generally, but I make grilled cheese from time to time for RD Jr. on the weekends, and he’s never once complained that the middle was undercooked.
Just lucky I guess.
Ever want to cook 16 hot dogs at once? Who hasn’t, right? Well then this is the contraption for you!
As Hulk says, “it’s party time.”
Yes, he said that. About cooking hot dogs. Right here!
But do you know what Hulk Hogan does not like? SMALL WAFFLES. You know, like a waffle maker gives ya. A waffle maker that costs NINETY DOLLARS, we are informed.
With the HHUG, you put in the batter for FOUR waffles. “This is like a $360 waffle maker,” Hulk notes. Sure is!
Let’s see how they look!
Mrs. Deal: “Good Lord, that’s the size of a hubcap!”
HUB CAP SIZED WAFFLES! Only available on the Hulk Hogan Ultimate Grill!
Or if you’d prefer…
HUB CAP SIZED COOKIES!
“I’m so happy,” Bob gleams, “I’m putting a smile on the Hulkster!”
Mrs. Deal: “Looks just like him.”
Hulk says that he’s bought cookies like this at the store, and they cost $40. FORTY DOLLARS! “If I bought three or four or five of these cookies, it would pay for the entire grill!”
As the grill costs $100, I am glad Hulk Hogan isn’t handling my finances.
Finally, we get one last hard sell from Hulk, and we’re out as they go to practice wrestling moves (which sadly are not filmed).
As I put the wraps on this induction here today, I leave you with this thought. I never thought I’d find something to surpass Tiffany as the eternal symbol of happiness on this site…
…but I may have today.
But probably not.
Especially after reading this.
Poor Hulk. The curse of the grill just never ends.