WWF, 1997

For a guy who loves Christmas as much as I do, you’d think the week after the blessed day would be a rough one each year.

And you’d be right.

While my full on post Christmas depression doesn’t take place until I take the lights and tree down (the weekend after New Year’s Day, which should be a law), make no mistake I get gloomy starting at 12:01am December 26.

I mean, for a solid month, everything builds to that one awesome day…and then, just like that, it’s gone for another whole year.

Sigh.

Still, it could be worse.  After all, I could have to go back and revisit 1997’s week between again.

Which I do, thanks to my own stupidity.

See, tonight, I asked the crew if we’d ever written about what the infamous Raw wherein Goldust decided to celebrate New Year’s.  The answer was no.

So yeah, here I am again.

We were full into the Attitude era at this point, with Steve Austin raising hell, Shawn Michaels still in D-X, and various other assorted lunacy.  One casualty, ironically, was Goldust.  The bizarre gold statue gimmick had more or less run its course, and it was decided that a reboot was necessary.

So Goldust was dead…and The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust was here.

Make no mistake about it, this was a dark period for Dustin Runnels.  The idea was that since he was no longer Goldust, each week he’d come out and do something even more bizarre than Goldust ever did.  So we got stuff like this:

That’s not a Photoshop job – that was actual ring attire.  So let’s see if we’ve got everything here: thong, neon green outfit, ball gag, pink hair, walker, dog chain, metallic pasties.

That’s all weird, right?

I have a better question:

Does this look like a good idea to anyone?

Seriously, ANYONE ON PLANET EARTH?

I guess in retrospect, the fact that he came out dressed like Baby New Year should be a blessing.

But really, it wasn’t.

Confession: once, back in my RD Reynolds heel manager days, I lost a crybaby match and wore a diaper.  The crowd was thrilled to see me humiliated.  I should note, however, that the “crowd” was approximately 30 people, half of which were co-workers.

Conclusion: the baby thing is a low-rent indy gimmick.  That’s just common sense, right?

Guess not.

I will say this however – no matter how idiotic a gimmick you give Dustin Runnels, he plays it to the hilt.  Baby bonnet, diaper that’s made to look “full”, sash reading “Baby New Year” on the front and 1998 on the back.

And just look at him go to town on that bottle!

Hmmmm…I don’t think I should be applauding such effort.  It’s actually pretty bothersome.

Anyway, he’s here because he wants to wish us all a happy new year and is throwing his name into the hat for the Royal Rumble.  Also, he’d like to play Barbie to Steve Austin’s Ken.

As you can expect, Austin isn’t down with this, but hey, he has a PRESENT for him!  So let’s just lower it down from the ceiling!

Why that appears to be a giant black box…and it also appears it’s not even close to where it needs to be.  I can only assume that the guy in charge of this was fired and then went to WCW to be in charge of the New Blood that they’d drop from the ceiling that never hit anyone.

So Austin fights and fights to get it into the ring, which he eventually does.  And unveils it to be…

Crapper 3:16!

Which sounds like a handle someone reading this right now would use on a message board.

(Or at least I hope they would.)

Anyway, Austin explains that he got this particular apparatus from a construction site, and all the workers had been using it all day so it stunk to high heaven.

So let me get this straight.

Austin went to a construction site, found a porta-potty that guys had been pooping in, had the WWF crew wrap it up in black fabric, raise it to the ceiling (still full), and then lower it upon his command.

Why did we not get footage of THAT?

I mean, we all know how awesome WWF construction site videos are…

OK indeed, Billy Graham!

But no, we don’t get that.  Instead we get this:

No Billy Jack Haynes choking on an apple.

No Don Muraco going bug eyed.

No Arnold Skaaland in a hard hat.

No Koko B. Ware smashing down half built houses.

Just Baby New Year being thrown in the can, and then said can being tipped over.  On the plus side, the segment was over quick…and wound up in the toilet, right where it belonged.

With that in mind, everyone here at WrestleCrap.com would like to wish you, our fellow Crappers (including you, Crapper 3:16!), a fantastic 2015…and beyond!