Today, fellow Crappers, we are going to review Illegal Aliens, a science fiction film starring Anna Nicole Smith and Joanie “Chyna” Laurer.
Just typing that, I think my fingers might have orgasmed.
For a guy that runs a site called “WrestleCrap”, you have to admit, that’s a pretty juicy order. Here we have two of the most plasticy, phony women the world has ever known, and they’re in a SCI-FI MOVIE. And according to the always accurate back of the DVD case, it’s like Men in Black meets Charlie’s Angels!
Seriously…what on earth could be more ripe for comedy than that?
You know what, I usually try to do these long, drawn-out intros, but screw that…I’m way too excited tonight.
Let’s dive right into this pile of steaming pile of shit!
The film’s “plot”, as it were, is that a space agency has sent three of their top agents down to protect the earth. The trio have ditched their default ET forms to become “hot chicks”. Why, you ask? Because according to the narrator, “hot chicks have it easy.”
And right there, we get out first life lesson of the day, one specifically for all the young girls out there: if you’re a hot chick, life’s all sunshine and lollipops.
If you’re some fat pudgeball troll, well…no sunshine.
Presumably, though, you could have all the lollipops you want. You are a pudgeball, after all.
But no sunshine.
Anyway, after an intro featuring drawings of three “hot chicks” that wouldn’t warrant even a reject letter from the Draw Tippy folks, we get a true sci-fi intro.
And by “true sci-fi intro”, I do mean the most rudimentary CGI this side of a “Learning Studio Max 3D” junior high class.
Seriously, it’s like they just threw whatever stock models they had against a space background. Think I’m kidding?
Look, here’s a pig flying past Jupiter!
(Note from Blade: Alien Ham! ALIEN HAM!)
Eventually the pig and some weird sperm looking thing crash land on earth. Following a discussion of what to turn into, including a debate on whether humans or cats are the dominant species on the planet, we see the emergence of our heroes, Anna Nicole and two more of the skankiest skanks this side of a Diva Search.
Actually, I take that back – at least the crack ho’s WWE finds are somewhat attractive.
These three look like rejects at a Boise gold club amateurs night.
Anyway, it seems the threesome has arrived on earth to stop the most evil of all beings in the galaxy:
Yep, you guessed it.
Damn, why didn’t they show up, oh, I don’t know, maybe 1998 or so?
I kid, I kid. After all, had the time-space continuum been disrupted in such a manner, we’d have been deprived of such stellar acting perfomances as this.
And that would have been just wrong.
So anyway, boxes labeled “TOP SECRET” are stolen, helicopters are flown, buses flip over, and crap blows up.
And when I say “crap blows up”, I ain’t talking a car or two.
I mean like half the movie is either fiery explosions…
…or stock footage of buildings imploding, all thanks to the miracle of stock footage.
Seriously, they use so much stock footage in this film they really should have dedicated it to Ed Wood.
In the brief moments between pyrotechnics, we get fun stuff like Anna Nicole bitching about how she can’t go to the grocery in a bra.
Somehow, I find it impossible to believe she never actually did that.
OH! And then there’s this subplot in which the girls’ mentor, Syntax, tells them how to conquer evil.
Screw MIB and Charlie’s Angels – they blatantly stole that bit from Superman II.
Well, if you replace Marlon Brando with some no name scrub and put $5 computer speakers from Big Lots next to the “hologram”.
Anyhoo, the crux of the plot is this: Chyna is going to build a mega-gravatron dealymabob.
Now I’m just going to go out on a limb here as to what a “mega-gravatron” actually does: it will blow crap up.
She likes to do that.
And so she laughs and laughs.
And then she kills some men.
Cuz she likes to do that too, you know.
Anna Nicole, would you care to rebuttal?
Sorry, kid – that’s too bizarre even for a WrestleCrap Radio Dream Analysis.
Did I mention this film is chockful o’ comedy?
Well, that’s probably because it isn’t.
Still, I do have to admit that I did laugh while watching it. Twice, in fact.
Once because the girls’ cell phone carrier is apparently “Whorizon”…
…and once because Anna stuck a dildo in her ear.
Confusing a dildo for a Q-Tip? That’s always good for a belly laugh. Seriously – try it at Thanksgiving dinner at Grandma’s, and let us know how it goes.
Other than that, what happens in this film…
…well, for starters, Anna has the ability to change into other stuff, like cars and helicopters. Here she converts into a 1973 Camaro. Somehow, that seems poetic: what was once hot and sexy is now beat up and rusty.
Still, I have to question the directors for not giving Chyna these abilities. That would have been much better.
Thank you, thank you – I’ll be here all week, enjoy the veal.
Then there’s the scene where Chyna cries, making the saddest face this side of (Blue) Balls Mahoney.
OH! And how could I forget the time Anna recited Shakespeare?
And then there’s a bit where a guy buries his face in one of the girls’ crotches. You know, I never thought that could NOT be erotic.
How wrong I was.
And that’s pretty much the entire film.
Save for, naturally…
EXPLOSIONS!
EXPLOSIONS!
EXPLOSIONS!
EXPLOSIONS!
Of course, you can’t have a movie starring Anna Nicole and Chyna without having them duke it out at the end.
Well, I guess you can, because Illegal Aliens ends with the two basically rolling around on the ground, looking for all the world like an elderly couple trying to fall asleep after eating too much at Bob Evans.
The grand finale sees poor Chyna getting thrown into an electrical closet and electrocuted.
Damn, girl.
Did you learn NOTHING from No Holds Barred?
Wait, that’s not the end. Hell no!
Instead, we get more…
Indeed, the film ends as only it could – with a three minute montage of the greatest explosions in recorded history.
And I am so not making that up.
Looks a lot like the old Demolition intro video, come to think of it.
Sadly, the world will be forever deprived of Illegal Aliens 2, as Anna Nicole passed away shortly after filming.
What a bummer.
– Chyna (screaming): “The reason you should listen to me is REALLY VERY SIMPLE!”
– Anna Nicole: “I don’t understand why we have these beautiful human body forms if we…it just doesn’t make sense!”
– Chyna: “And soon…oh so very soon…I will complete my MEGA GRAVATRON…and the world will crumble at my feet! HA HA HA!”
– Anna Nicole: “Hey, Cameron – I had the weirdest dream. You were dating Justin Timberlake. And Drew! I dreamed you were just running around, screaming, ‘ET! ET!’ And the weirdest thing was I dreamed I was Chinese…and I don’t even like rice.”
– Anna Nicole: “To pee or not to pee…that is the question. I think I’ll pee.”
– Some Dude: “It’s gonna blow!”
Skank: “Is it?”
Dude: “Every good movie ends with an explosion!”