Had this special request come through and I honestly couldn’t say no. All the old farts on here remember the legendary Hulk Hogan Rock n’ Wrestling cartoon from the 1980s. I do too, as I inducted it about a billion years ago. It sucked, but to be honest, that wasn’t to be fully unexpected. Unlike others, even back when I was a kid I kinda thought most cartoons of my youth absolutely sucked. I mean, for every Dungeons & Dragons, there was a Superfriends with Wendy and Marvin and a Scooby Doo with Scrappy. So yeah, even though I was a huge fan of wrestling, I thought the cartoon was pretty daggum terrible.
Now what you likely don’t remember is that it featured footage from real life wrestling personalities! And get this…they are set up to be COMEDY. I watched a LOT of WWF in the mid 80’s, and believe me, that was far from the company’s strong suit. Hence, that’s what we are going to cover today as I was sent about dozen and a half of these which you can watch right along with me. Will it be better or worse than a cartoon Hulkster? ONE WAY TO FIND OUT!!!
Roddy Piper Meets His Biggest Fans
We kick things off with Roddy Piper chatting with “Mean Gene” Okerlund. So Hot Rod explains that he has tons of fans – so many they are coming out of his YIN YANG! There are also oodles of women that claw at him like honest to goodness cats. You really haven’t lived until you see Roddy Piper hissing and clawing on “Mean Gene”! Despite all of this, he has no time for these fans. Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door…and someone brings a BOX FAN in for Piper. Okerlund howls like it’s the funniest thing he’s ever seen in his life. That’s the bar here kids!
Nikolai Volkoff Helps a Woman Who Locked Her Keys In Her Car
Next up, we get the evil Russian Nikolai Volkoff catching up with some whiny rando who locked her keys in her car. As a child of the 1970s, I can say this used to happen ALL. THE. TIME. Y’all just don’t know how good we have it today with vehicles so advanced they make idiotic mistakes like that a thing of the past. But such is the case here as this dingbat has no way to get into her car, he “beautiful car” that she repeats about 87 times in a row. Nikolai helps her the Russian way – by pulling the door off the frame completely! She is appalled, so Nikolai puts it back on then uses the keys to open the door…and this woman is still appalled. Sister, he did no damage to your crappy car. You could at least thank him. And while you’re at it, thank him for that awesome Tetris music in the background. If THAT had been Nikolai’s entrance theme, it would be him challenging Cody at Mania this year, not Cena!
(Wait, this just in. Apparently he died in 2018. I didn’t even know he was sick.)
Andre the Giant Goes Fishing
We now head out to a lake (or maybe just a field, we never see any water) where a geek in a white polo is fishing. But he’s not having any luck at all despite trying all day. Up walks Andre the Giant in a yellow tank top and bright green shorts! He explains that it’s a good day for fishing and that he himself has actually caught a lot of fish in this spot. The guy scoffs at Andre, noting he’s been fishing that he’s “knee high to a rubber ride”. I have ZERO idea what that means. I thought I misunderstood him, but I replayed it 47 times and that’s still what I get. Regardless, Andre shows him a better way of doing this, and simply yells aloud, “HEY! I WANT SOME FISH!” Then miraculously, a fish flies right into the big guy’s hands! I can’t decide if that’s brilliant comedy or the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Probably the latter, but hey, props to Andre for at least making me think about it.
Mr. Fuji Makes a Protein Shake
Back with Gene and Mr. Fuji, who is going to make Okerlund “some type of protein concoction.” So Fuji is chopping up various crap and throwing it in the blender, explaining that it will make Gene big like Don Muraco. Also, will put hair back on his chrome dome. Gene partakes of a glass and as Fuji’s back is turn, he throws it into the trash can…which promptly begins smoking and we get an explosion sound effect. Yikes. This makes that bit with Piper and the box fan look like the best of Monty Python.
Hulk Hogan Meets Mean Gene’s Family
The Hulkster shows up and we get a very basic Hogan promo, as he tells us that Hulkamania is running wild and blah blah. We also learn that Hulk meets each and everyone of his Hulkmaniacs personally…and when you meet him, it’s an instant love affair! So yeah, Hogan telling tall tales is nothing new at all. Today he gets to meet up with Gene’s family, including Okerlund’s mother Jean, his lovely wife Genie, his daughter Bobbi Jean, and his son Mean Gene Jr….with the gag being they all wear tuxes and have mustaches. You’d think that would be weird enough, but then Hulk blasts poor Gene Jr. calling him “teeny weenie Genie”!!! So apparently Hogan being a jerk is nothing new either.
Big John Studd Works Out
Had totally forgotten that Big John Studd was around at this time, but a quick glance shows that he was around for a good portion of 1986, including apparently having matches with Ted Arcidi. HOLY CRAP, I can only imagine how atrocious those were. That is getting added to the to-do list immediately. Today though Studd is in “the gym”, which looks suspciously like a warehouse. Suddenly a hottie comes along carrying a pitcher of a cold beverage, and Studd demands that he gets some. Meaning the drink, not the girl. Regardless, she says no can do, as Hillbilly Jim told her to put it in the fridge. Studd doesn’t care, and takes a big ol’ swig…which he immediately spits out as we learn it’s POSSUM PORRIDGE. Oh oh, my sides, how they ache!
Mean Gene Meets Captain Lou’s Mom
Ok, not 15 seconds into this clip I once more started questioning what on earth I was doing with my life. We meet “Mrs. Louise Albano”, which is quite literally Lou Albano with a scarf over his head. I think maybe, maybe, he’s also wearing a dress but at first blush I was sure it was a mumu. And…that’s about it. He doesn’t even bother to talk in a falsetto! This is by far the worst one yet, and consider that ground we’ve covered. At least the others had a joke or two in there. Sure they sucked, but at least some effort was made.
Bobby Heenan and the Fabulous Moolah Give to the Needy
Here we get Bobby and Moolah standing in front of what appears to be a giant grey dog house, congratulating each other on being awesome. Bobby bemoans the fact that he doesn’t have anything to give to the needy, but Moolah does, namely pictures of herself. “The Brain” produces a pen and has Moolah autograph them before putting it in the mail slot…which immediately spits it back out. Heenan is appalled and Moolah attacks the box. Eh, I will admit I laughed at Bobby ‘forgetting’ his wallet and telling Moolah to give the needy some x’s and o’s in the autograph. Heck, that alone may make this the best of the bunch so far!
Roddy Piper Checks His Answering Machine
Back to Roddy, who is at home and listening to his messages. Yes kids, before there was voicemail there were giant boxes with audio cassettes so you too could hear what people had to say when you weren’t at home. Piper thinks it must be the president or perhaps Bo Derek, but instead it’s a sultry woman who tells us what a big fan she is…of Hulk Hogan. Piper does exactly what you’d expect hearing this, namely taking the answering machine and smashing it to pieces. What kinda troll leaves a message like that anyway?
Andre the Giant Goes Car Shopping
More fun with Andre, as this time he’s at a car lot. The gag of course is that they are all too small, finally getting a bulldozer instead of a sports car where his head is sticking out of the roof.
Eh, Silo Sam did it better. At least when he did this bit, he actually drove around!!
Hulk Hogan Explains the Art of Ripping a Shirt
Legit almost wrote “ripping a fart”, so I guess I can’t bash these guys too much for their base level humor. Anyway, Gene explains when the Hulkster does that, the fans go crazy. In fact, it “cranks their socks up.” Hulk suggests that Gene rips his tuxedo apart. Okerlund notes that ripping a t-shirt is a lot easier than a tuxedo, but Hogan eggs him on until Gene, well, removes his shirt. This was a show for children I should remind you. No wonder this thing only lasted two seasons.
Roddy Piper Helps a Hooker Start Her Car
Ok, ok, maybe she’s not a prostitute, but seriously, look at her. That’s lady of the night material even by 1980s standards! Anyway, her car won’t start and Roddy comes along to make fun of her predicament. To be fair, she thought it wasn’t start because the transmission was bad. I’m no Ferruccio Lamborghini or anything, but even I know that’s not how a car works! Hot Rod does eventually try to help, and by that I mean he punches and drops elbows on the engine. He then channels his inner Andre the Giant and says, “Hey, car – START!” And then it does! I’m not even at a dozen segments in and they’re already repeating their (terrible) jokes.
Fabulous Moolah Gives Beauty Tips
“Backstage”, Gene is with Moolah who is applying a mud pack to her face. She explains that you should do this in the privacy of your own home, because it looks horrible. Eventually Lou Albano walks by and says how beautiful Moolah is…with the mud on her face. And, well…
Can we get more stuff with Andre yelling at fish?
Captain Lou Appears Half Naked For Some Reason
Apparently unwilling to let “Mean Gene” be the only bare chested dough ball on the show, Captain Lou returns, just lounging around and feeling himself up. Seriously, he’s giving his boobies way too much love there. So they start talking about all the macho men in the WWF, including Randy Savage, Hulk Hogan, Ricky Steamboat, Tito Santana, and George Steele. Also, Lou himself! We then pan out and it’s revealed the Captain is in a “tub” with a rubber ducky. TWO SEASONS THIS LASTED.
Bobby “The Brain” Heenan Gives Mean Gene a Tour of His Estate
We now join Gene was Bobby walks him around one of the four swimming pools at his luxurious home. Heenan explains that he’s done it all the honest way, and this mansion is a tribute to his efforts. Gene notes that in his family are the likes of Big John Studd and the Missing Link, the latter of which is something even I, as one of the biggest fans of the Brain in history, had nearly forgotten. So the phone rings and Heenan goes to answer it, knocking Gene in the pool!
It’s no Giant throwing Scott Hall into the drink at Club Le Vela, but any time someone takes a bump into a pool in wrestling always gets the RD Reynolds seal of approval!
Gene Okerlund is Too Dumb To Use an ATM
Gene joins us at one of those new fancy pants computerized banking machines, as he, and I quote, “need money for the matches this weekend!” Unfortunately, Gene is apparently overdrawn so no money for him! Up comes the Brain (whistling “Pop Goes the Weasel” no less!!), who tells him to hit the bricks. Bobby takes the card, and tries it himself….which leads to a bunch of beeps and boops, and non stop money coming out of the machine! Now why that money is basically one long piece of paper (fanfolded for whatever reason) is anyone’s guess. Just as things are looking great for the Brain, a cop comes along and arrests him. He gets carted off and Gene stares blankly at the camera and says “thank you.” Yup.
The Brain Explains Why He’s the Greatest Manager in Professional Wrestling
We wrap up if Bobby basically just cutting a promo…something I’ll never complain about! He explains how everyone in jealous of him, and when he was in school he always got straight A’s, had a convertible, and dated all the cheerleaders. He then is gearing up for a tirade when all of a sudden some geek stage manager walks on the set and says they’re out of time. So yes, right when we could have had some comedy gold, the rug gets yanked out from under us.
And that’s all of them I could find. Which is probably for the best. Still, if you do spot anymore, send them our way. We’re gluttons for punishment after all!