No doubt when you learned this week that Fabulous Moolah had passed away, many thoughts probably raced through your head. Her contributions to women’s wrestling, perhaps. Maybe her build-up to WrestleMania I with Captain Lou, Cyndia Lauper, and Wendi Richter. Or maybe, since you are hanging out at a site called “WrestleCrap”, her antics with Mae Young.
Believe it or not, when I heard she had gone to the great ring in the sky, I didn’t think of any of those things. In fact, I thought of two, only two things: Spider Woman and Fuji Bandito.
Let’s tackle Spider Woman first, because odds are you’ve never even heard of her. For those of you who weren’t around back in the mid 1980’s, Wendi Richter was looked at by many in the business as being just as big a deal as Hulk Hogan. While I was never a subscriber to that theory, trust me, she brought a lot of kids and especially young girls to WWF events. So why, you are no doubt asking, did she more or less vanish within months of the big show? One word:
Montreal.
Only in this case, Montreal was taking place in New York City.
Confused? Good, I’ve done my job.
The story here is that Richter was in the process of negotiating a contract with Vince & Co.. Just prior to heading out for her match at Madison Square Garden, she was asked again to sign the new deal. She declined, saying she needed more time to think about it. Once in the ring, Richter found herself on her back for what was supposed to be a two-count. Instead, with her shoulder up clearly at two (in fact, she was almost to her feet!), the ref counted three and awarded the match – and the WWF Women’s Title – to Richter’s opponent, Spider Woman.
In other words, Richter got screwed – a full dozen years prior to Bret Hart going through basically the exact same thing in Montreal. Richter never appeared in a WWF ring again. The only real difference is Bret didn’t rip off Shawn Michael’s head to reveal Fabulous Moolah. That would have been very weird.
That is, however, what happened with Richter, who pulled the mask off Spider Woman to discover Moolah. Richter was gone, and Moolah was back in charge of the WWF Women’s title. There’s your history lesson for today.
Now what’s this Fuji Bandito you mentioned? Ah yes…that’s a much more pleasant memory. And one that, while not Crap per se, is a fun, fond memory that I have of Moolah, and one that I will induct in her honor.
In the mid 1980’s, the WWF had a weekly television series they called TNT: Tuesday Night Titans. Now we’ve discussed this show before, and we’ve even inducted it as a whole and a few individual segments as well. Basically, it was a personality profile show for people on acid. By that I don’t mean that the folks on the show were on acid. Sure, some of them probably were. What I meant was that it was a showcase of the absurd, with characters becoming more “fleshed out” in the most bizarre manners possible. We had George Steele going through psychiatric evaluations, Capt. Lou baking Christmas cookies, and Adrian Adonis getting a makeover. Every week it was something patently absurd. Sometimes it was funny. Sometimes it wasn’t. But it was always, always, always stupid.
My favorite of these skits? No doubt the ongoing trials and tribulations of “Magnificient” Don Muraco and his manager/agent Mr. Fuji as they attempted to get careers in acting. Each week we’d get a new “pilot” they were filming, such as Fuji Vice (a Miami Vice spin-off with Don & Fuj wearing pastels) and Fuji General (soap opera). The pair would “act” in the most horrific manner possible, delivering lines so stoically that you’d think Muraco was half-Hawaiian, half-evergreen. It was great, great comedy.
While Fuji General and Fuji Vice are generally known, a much more obscure bit was Fuji Bandito. In this one, Muraco is the vile Muraco Kid, and Fuji is a Mexican. Let that sink in for a minute. Oh yeah, and the Fabulous Moolah was Lil, Muraco’s girlfriend.
And that’s your connection. 8)
As you have probably guessed, this one took place back in the wild west. Not the wild, wild west – that movie sucked. And it was like four hours long. Or at least it felt that way.
This was only about 4 minutes long, but I guarantee those four minutes had more laughs than that stupid movie did.
After all, did that movie have Jimmy Hart as a card shark known as “Mississippi”? Did it have “Classie” Freddie Blassie as the barkeep? Or Mr. Fuji as a MEXICAN known as Eggroll?
And did it have Fabulous Moolah knocking some geek on his ass for looking at her funny?
DIDN’T THINK SO!
Oh yeah, and before anyone starts blasting me about calling Fuj “Eggroll”, trust me…the injun that showed up…well, let’s just say he wouldn’t last long in this politically correct world of ours.
Although I do have to admit, I would like him to give me lessons on converting corn into whiskey. That sounds like good times.
Perhaps literally.
Soon enough, in strolls THE MURACO KID, wearing his best bib & tuckers.
And who should he mosey on over to but Lil, our pal the late, great Moolah.
For, you see, only Lil could hold the Kid’s heart.
Unfortunately for our heroes…err, villains whom we’re to cheer for…in comes Ringo.
Now I’m not 100% sure, but I believe Ringo is either the sherriff or a clown at the world’s gayest rodeo.
Hard to tell from the outfit.
Ringo is here to take Muraco back to the hoosegow. He pulls his peacemaker on the Kid, who pulls a Randy Savage and swings Lil into the line of fire, which is literally a line of fire as the poor girl winds up taking the bullet.
In a tender scene, Lil falls, all the while asking for a glass of water.
Sadly, all the Indian had brought was whiskey.
Bottles and bottles of whiskey.
Enraged, Muraco pulls his iron, and soon enough, it’s Ringo who’s pushin’ up daisies.
And that was the end. There was never any follow up, so we don’t know what happened to the Kid. I’d like to think he stowed away on that train from Back to the Future III.
It would explain how he wound up facing Dino Bravo at Summer Slam ’88.
As I wrap this up, no doubt you may be asking, “Why, RD? Why bother with something so lame and not really crap?” The answer, dear Crapper, is simple. While it’s something you might think was stupid, and maybe not even worth your time to read about, to me…it will always be Moolah. And just thinking about it, it never fails to make me laugh.
Thank you, Moolah. Thank you.
Indian: “Dealer’s fair as new driven snow on open plain where eagles soar and corn grow plenty and children play and clouds soar over and blue skies a plenty and corn grows and we make whiskey.”
(Note from RD: That’s quite the run-on sentence!)
Eggroll: “Fair’s fair! What’s the matter?”
Indian: “With two you get eggroll.”
Eggroll: “What you talking about eggroll?!”
Lil: “I thought you’d never get out of jail.”
Muraco Kid: “I love you, Lil, and nothing could keep me from your lips, not even Ringo.”
Lil: “Ahh, I love you…I love you…I need a glass of wat…”
Muraco Kid: “You killed Lil, Ringo! She’d still be alive if it weren’t for you. Now it’ll be my pleasure to kill you!”
(Note from RD: On second thought, that probably shouldn’t have exclamation points. That would indicate there was some type of emotion involved. Trust me, the way Muraco read those lines, that would not be the case.)