For whatever reason, the other day I was thinking about when I was a lad…and the things that were ‘sexy’ in the 1980s.
Giant hair. Torn up jeans. Neon colors that would burn your eyeballs. We look back on some of these things now, and we kinda chuckle. No harm no foul as the kids used to say.
But then…for whatever reason…oil wrestling became a thing. Yeah, a hot, erotic, thing that people were totally into. I guess I kinda sorta get it, as oil will make a toned physique in theory look even better. Heck, if you watch any WWF shows from the late 80’s, some of those guys came to the ring dripping in baby oil.
But somehow this weird phenomenon became corrupted in a bizarre manner, as we got ladies rolling around attempting to pin each other in items that weren’t what I’d dub normal.
Which leads to this here VHS tape, which I can only classify as Grade A bonkers. It’s called “Foxy Food Fight”, and if that doesn’t put shivers down your spine maybe this will:
You’re not misreading this, and that is not some wacky joke. In the ultimate of ironies, this video is a COVID PRODUCTION.
It’s not to late to Google something else tonight, kids!
Before we get to the matches, we are introduced to our Chef Boyardee looking host (whose accent wavers wildly between Italian and, I dunno, Montana) who I think is named Wolfie. Screw that, he looks like a Luigi to me so that’s what we’re calling him. He explains there will be lettuce, spaghetti, and more whilst pointing to a giant “ring” filled with wilted romaine.
The thought of women wrestling in this to turn folks on would be bizarre enough, but then we start to meet the competitors, lovely women who are all dressed up as various produce.
Seriously.
So “Grapes” comes out and she is…well…quite literally a bunch of grapes. Luigi asks here who she will be wrestling and in a promo that would put Robert Gibson to shame, she mumbles “carrot.”
Boyardee gets overly excited, proclaiming to the audience: “YES! A CARROT!!!!”
Well, I guess that’s a carrot. The hat looks right. The rest looks like a orange bag filled with fluff. It hasn’t taken long for the production values on display to go downhill.
But hey, who’s ready to GO BANANAS???
Chef continues his witty banter, noting, “This is so wonderful – a girl with A PEAL!!”
Did you know WrestleCrap Radio turned 15 years old this week?
And did you also know that even we have never done a joke that bad?
Hey look, now we get a girl who is WAY too excited to be dressed up as a hamburger.
Chef pounds us with various puns, including but not limited to: “You look so tasty! Are you rare inside? I love your buns!”
Man, this is gonna be a long night.
We also get a pineapple (is this what Midnight Rose is referring to?)…
…and a peach or a pear or something. Not gonna lie, I have no idea. What I do know is this is enough to make the stalker looking guy in the striped shirt in the front row do a wolf whistle.
And hey, speaking of creeps…
I mean, different strokes for different folks and whatever makes you happy and all that, but these guys are WAY too excited for some chick dressed up like a banana.
And no joke, as soon as I typed that, I got this on my messenger from the hobo:
Umm, where’s that guy who expresses the emotion I am feeling right now?
Thanks dude. You hit the nail on the head.
Back to the “action”, as we are introduced to GINGER. Like you, I was expecting the next Skanky Magoo to come out dressed as a root, so imagine my shock when we got THIS instead:
Not sure what’s more baffling – that she seems incapable of moving from point a to point b by any manner other than spinning in a circle or that she has a tail of some sort. She also gets an obscenely ridiculous song, dubbed Main Course, that tells of various food items.
Get used to that, you’re going to get a lot of it.
Luigi introduces her opponent, who I think he calls Sugar Bear Renee or something. Sorry, I ain’t going back to check. Despite being named after a cereal mascot (kinda sorta), she comes out dressed up as a caveman, hitting everyone in sight (including the poor camera man!) with a club.
OH! And lest you think this is stretching the “foxy food” pledge to its audience on the marquee, she gets a song about nuts. Despite this song having exactly seven words worth of lyrics (“Nuts! You drive me nuts! Can’t you see?”), it is almost SIX MINUTES LONG.
Really, give it a listen and don’t file a lawsuit.
Oh, and this just in:
Well, I’m sure we’ll all sleep better tonight knowing this.
These girls will be battling for supremacy in lettuce. But how do you win, you ask? “In order to score”, Luigi explains, “the ladies have to find a man with a Ferrari!”
Yeah, you should probably go ahead and leave. You look too young to be watching this, and more importantly, I don’t want you to overstay your welcome.
Anyway, ha ha ha, ho ho ho, Luigi explains that finding a dude with a hot car isn’t really the goal of the match, but rather the girl has to get a three count to score a point.
Yes, apparently there is a ROUND and POINT system in this athletic affair.
I wonder how much a Foxy Food Fight rulebook goes for on eBay these days.
And well – it’s two girls in bikinis fighting in a deflated inflatable pool filled with lettuce. For like ten minutes straight. If that sounds sexy or funny, I’ve done the world a disservice. Any emotion other than total bafflement is all you can expect here.
I would be remiss, however, if I didn’t mention that Sugar Renee won 4-2. Hopefully this sets her up for a future championship opportunity.
Egads, I gotta stop watching WWE if that phrase has somehow slipped into an induction.
Now it’s time for Le Entree according to the Chef, as he brings out Miss America, with another song that goes on forever and features repeating syllables that may or may not be words. You be the judge. I should also note a quick scan of the Miss America website reveals that this woman was not, in fact, recognized by the sanctioning body.
Or probably ever recognized by anyone not named “Blade Braxton.”
And hey, she’s not a food! This is blatant double false advertising!
Her opponent is Peggy the Pirate. Chef explains she is a “seafood queen” in a line that destroys any remaining credibility he may have had. But hey, here’s her horrible entrance theme which tells us about various ingredients that go together.
If you ever want SPAGHETTI AND SAUCE again, I urge you not to listen to it.
So yeah – that’s the main event. Two women rolling around in tens of pounds of cooked spaghetti. It lasts forever and a day, but eventually it comes to an end and it’s…a tie?
I swear if this goes into overtime, I am filing a formal complaint with Whiskey a Go Go.
Thankfully, there’s no extended period, but rather it’s just put up for a fan vote, with Peggy the Pirate (who again, last I checked, IS NOT A FOOD) winning.
Who cares, it’s over and I can be done with this stupid thing.
Wait, why is Chef back out?
And why am I just now noticing he looks like JOEL GERTNER?
Anyway, apparently the entree wasn’t the final bout, as now we get DESSERT. I have an amazing sweet tooth, but I have zero desire to watch two women battle it out in…
…whipped cream.
Of course, whipped cream.
Here’s to hoping the girls are named “Cherry” and “Sprinkles.”
But of course they’re not. Instead we get Bedroom Barbie with her theme, D-D-D DELICIOUS (wouldn’t Double D Delicious make more sense?)…
…and her foe, whose name I am not making up, An Officer in Search of a Gentleman. This poor girl has not only the dumbest monicker, but arguably the worst song of all time, which as best I can tell, is called “Don’t Touch Me There – That’s My Real Hair.”
Despite hearing that phrase approximately 97 times in a three minute period, I have literally no idea what that could possibly even mean.
Someone…anyone…PLEASE TO EXPLAIN what this is referring to in the comments below. Funniest answer gets their choice of any coaster set from my Etsy shop, Coasty Marshmallow.
Like the prior bout, it goes on and on and on and on and ends in a tie. “It’s in your hands,” Chef notes, “but it’s probably been in your hands the whole night!”
Yeah, that’s a Gertner line for sure.
As he announces the show is over (Barbie won, in case you want to go update profightdb.com), all I could think is…ok, seriously, what kinda creeps would find what I just watched in any way, shape, or form appealing?
Let alone erotic?
Oh yeah, right.