This past weekend, the WWE Univer…no, I can’t do that.
I don’t care how many times the company tries to shove that gibberish down our throats, it always sounds completely idiotic. Why can’t we simply be wrestling fans? Seriously, think about that – we can’t be pro wrestling fans because WWE won’t allow the words “pro wrestling” or “fans” to be uttered.
What sense does THAT make?
Hey, thanks for showing up, kid. I am going to be mentioning you in just a few minutes. But first, let me get back to my initial ramblings, where I was going to mention the really fun match this past weekend between Asuka and Ember Moon in NXT. While I’ve never been a huge fan of Ember (she’s alright, just don’t think she’s great), Asuka has been tremendous since she joined the fun. To be fair, it wasn’t like Ember dragged the match down, she stayed in there just fine. It was a great encounter, and made me very glad that I took time out of my schedule to watch it.
Of course, my head shaking for the so-called “diva’s revolution” in WWE is well documented. And I was far from the only one, as the readers of this here site deemed it a co-winner of the 2015 Gooker Award (you can read the induction here). Still, while it took longer than we’d hoped, the women of WWE have been able to turn a corner somewhat and make women’s wrestling more than something you either gawked at or worse, ignored completely, using it as a bathroom break time out at events.
It wasn’t that long ago that things were radically different, you know. As I was doing research for this induction to prove that very point, I decided to go back five years and see what was happening with the women in WWE. Want to know what I found?
The Red Carpet Dress to Impress Battle Royal
This amazing spectacle featured the women of the company dressed as if they were heading to prom, and kicked off with Rosa Mendes attempting to figure out how to fling herself over the top rope, bouncing back and forth in the process as if she were made of rubber. She then landed on the floor in such a manner that made it appear she’d broken every bone in her body.
The Diva Bowl
I remember very early in the formation of WrestleCrap.com, I’d decided that one of my first inductions would be the idiotic Raw Bowl (and if you have archive access, you can find that here), a train wreck that featured the likes of Billy Gunn and Savio Vega battling for the Steve Lombardi trophy. Fast forward nearly twenty years, and we get women dressed in football outfits doing the same thing, stomping their feet, running at each other, and falling down in a crumpled mess.
Pretty sure Mickie James was offsides as well. Ref, why didn’t you throw a flag?
Where’s Ed Hochuli or The Ladies Man Jerome Boger when you need them?
On the plus side, we got Rosa (what was the deal with her starting these matches?) channeling her inner-Danielsan, going all crane technique…
…and getting kicked right smack dab in the face.
I can’t induct that match solely on principal of that spot.
And in the summer months of 2012, we got a bikini battle royal, designed pretty much from the ground up so the company could fat shame the very great Vicki Guerrero.
So when we’re now getting great stuff in NXT from Asuka? And pretty darn good encounters on the main roster from the likes of Becky Lynch, Charlotte, and others? Well, it’s a far cry from the garbage we were force fed just scant years ago. I mean, I don’t think you’re going to flip on SmackDown next Tuesday and get a Pajama Pillow Fight.
But we did in 2010.
March 1, 2010 to be exact. This would be during the infamous Celebrity Guest Host era of Raw. Sure, that still happens now and again, but there was a time when it seemed every single week WWE found someone, ANYONE with name value in the past eight decades, to show up and play GM for the night. On this particular evening, our guests of honor would be 1970s potheads, Cheech and Chong.
(In the midst of writing this induction, it has struck me that it is very wrong we’ve never actually put that entire episode on the site. Rest assured I will correct that in the very near future.)
During a Lucky Charms acid trip (really, that was a show-long storyline), the two made their way out to ringside to catch this special encounter. No doubt you newer fans may believe I am exaggerating that this was a pillow fight.
I’m not. This is exactly what it was billed to be.
The girls get into the ring and proceed to smack each other in the heads with pink bags of fluff.
Which would be altogether different from the pink bags of fluff that Vickie assaulted AJ with in the bikini match I mentioned above.
In this particular brawl, we got the WWE lady folk attempting to do physical damage utilizing honest-to-goodness pillows, just like the one you lay your feeble head upon when you go to sleep. As I watched the opening seconds, I began to ponder…just how many times would you need to hit someone with a pillow before they physically collapsed to the mat, enabling you to get a 1-2-3. Would three hours be enough?
Thankfully, we didn’t have to wait to find out, as your friend and mine, Jillian Hall, threw the pillows aside and just started clotheslining everyone in sight.
Oh Jillian, how I love you.
You had the greatest horrible gimmick ever (terrible singer who can’t stop bellowing out pop songs) and you made it work. I never consider my Christmas season to be a complete success until I’ve heard your heart warming version of Jingle Bell Rock complete with flatulent tubas tooting out the bass line.
Unfortunately, Jillian’s concert here is disrupted by an obviously jealous Kelly Kelly, who attempts to smother my hero with a pillow. She follows that up with…
…whatever this is.
I mean, I get that it is an attack of sorts on Jillian’s back, but Kelly looks so daggum skinny I am surprised that Jillian didn’t just stay there perched up on all fours upon impact.
Regardless, it only gets a two count, and then Kelly is immediately attacked by Maryse (yes, that Maryse) with a DDT or whatever the heck that was supposed to be. All I can say for certain is that looks to have broken Kelly’s neck. What is it with giving these largely untrained women moves that could result in serious damage?
Why not just give her a sleeper as a finisher?
You could call it the Maryzzzzzzzzzzz.
Eventually, Gail Kim hits a sweet neck breaker, one so swell that I cannot in good conscience include it in this induction. Following the show of athletic ability, she goes for a pin on Maryse…
…only to have victory snatched away by being hit.
Hit with a pillow.
You said it, pal.
Eve Torres enters the fray, attacking Gail from behind. She sends her flying from the ring courtesy of a drop kick that misses by a good foot and a half. Hey, at least she didn’t legit clock her in the back of the skull with her feet.
I’ll take whatever positives I can find at this point.
And in keeping with my new Pollyanna attitude, I won’t even bring up that I have zero idea what on earth this is supposed to be. Instead, I will focus on the positive…
…namely that it causes the match to end.
Also, props to Alicia for wearing bunny slippers into the ring.
So yeah, the next time you want to start chanting “boring” during a women’s match on Raw you think is going a little too long or whatever, consider what we used to get and count yourself lucky.
Or just watch as Nia Jax kills another poor girl and hang your head in shame.
Just like that.
Thanks, Bam Bam!