Amazing.
There’s really no other word for it.
How else could you describe the fact that a contest featuring half naked and incredibly hot women was somehow so tragically horrible that the readers of this very site voted it the very worst in wrestling for 2004? Readers, who, mind you, are predominantly heterosexual (and therefore most assuredly horny) males!
Amazing.
It’s not that the women involved weren’t smoking. They were. I mean, hell, you had Playboy Playmates and Maxim models and Miss Hawaiian Tropics and Man Show Juggy Dancers.
JUGGY DANCERS, FOR GOD’S SAKE!
Somehow, not even the power of the Juggies couldn’t stop over 3,000 of you for casting your votes and thus making the WWE Diva Search the 2004 Gooker Award Winner.
Not that I’m arguring – the Search was abysmal on almost every level, from the skits to the in-ring activities to the horrid promos the girls cut. You wouldn’t think it would be hard for beautiful women to entertain us, yet somehow it was. Maybe the women were just too skanky for their own good.
Still, if we are to believe Kevin Dunn, WWE executive vice president of television production, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. It was, in his own words, going to be “classy.”
Stop laughing. I’m telling the truth!
“It’s easy to go lowbrow,” Dunn explained in a press release prior to the contest. “That’s not where we’re going with our product in general, or this search. We’ll be fighting our image for 50 years, because there’s 50 years (of tradition) before us, and we understand that. We want someone we can put on a pedestal here and who can represent the WWE in a classy – I wouldn’t say sophisticated – but a classy, nice manner.”
Let’s just see how classy things turned out, shall we?
The contest featured all manner of ho bag and Jezebel out to stake their claim on the quarter million dollar prize for becoming the next Raw Diva.
No doubt this pleased the current crop of WWE Divas, since they were making a hell of a lot less than that, and doing a hell of a lot more.
Like any other beauty contest, each Diva wannabe would regale us with stories of who they were and why they wanted to be a Diva. I’m surprised none of them claimed they wanted to be on Vince’s payroll to somehow help bring about world peace.
Here Carmella explains her best trait: her personality.
That’s all well and good, and if she truly believes it, God bless her, but I swear I’ve seen dirty dish rags with more charisma than her. The girl would have scored a lot more points with me if she’d just been honest and come right out and said, “I’m a hot piece of ass; therefore, you should vote for me.”
Honest, and to the point.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a faux reality show if people didn’t get voted off. And who better to nix the first girl than our old pal, Triple H?
You know, now that I look back on this whole stupid contest, the only thing that really surprised me is that Hunter’s ego didn’t require him to enter the contest and rig it so he’d win the $250K himself.
Anway, things got wittled down to 10 finalists, all of whom started appearing on Raw every week. Their incredible acting skills were apparent from the very first week, when Eric Bischoff screamed at them and they laughed in response. Oops!
Week after week, fans were treated to wacky skits. For instance, the girls were asked to seduce a WWE Superstar, who turned out to be Kamala. Ha ha.
Had we just seen one of them attempt it, it might have been somewhat comical. Ok, probably not, but bear with me here. Watching 9 of them do it? Egads was that long and horrid.
Perhaps most depressing was the fact that none of them asked him to go bowling. That would have saved the segment for sure.
As if seducing the Ugandan Headhunter wasn’t a bad enough idea, the following week the girls were told to hock ice cream. Christy did so by claiming she liked to play in it, then smashed the frozen concoction in a fit of rage. Somehow, that would not inspire me to run out to the local Baskin Robbins.
Amy, on the other hand, deep throated a can of Ready Whip.
CLASSY!
Suddenly, the fiasco wasn’t just taking up time on Raw, but on PPVs as well.
And thus, those poor saps who plunked dow $39.95 for Summer Slam got Diva Dodgeball, which was exactly what it sounds like: a dodgeball game between the current WWE divas and the wannabes. In what appeared to be a shoot, the Diva Search Girls won when Nidia was eliminated.
If you listen very closely, you could hear the sound of absolutely, positively no one caring.
As the weeks crawled on, so did the horrible skits. When the girls weren’t arm wrestling or getting doused in chili or fighting with giant gloves, they were having pie eating contests and cutting bad promos.
Just how bad were they? The Rock, of all people, commentated the pie eating extravaganza and even HE couldn’t make it entertaining. Ponder that for a few minutes.
The Rock – THE ROCK! – couldn’t save the segment.
Here’s a clip in which Rock sounds like he’d be anywhere else than inside a ring surrounded by four gorgeous women.
During the contest, Christy proclaimed that her “butt was hungry.”
WARNING: If your ass ever feels malnourished, see a doctor. Or maybe a shrink. Yeah, on second thought, definitely see a shrink.
Her anal cavity being famished, she decided to “feed it” by sitting on a pie and wiggling about. There’s only one word for that:
CLASSY!
And now comes my absolute favorite moment of not only the Diva Search, but of all of 2004: DISS THE DIVA. When I first heard this announced, I thought, “Oh man, this is going to be horrible, just like every other horrible segment of this horrible contest.”
How wrong I was.
These girls didn’t cut pro wrestling promos; oh no. They cut nasty, hate-filled skank promos that would cause the saltiest sailor to blush.
Before I go into details, however, let me warn those of you with weak ears to just keep on truckin’. Just hit the back button up there at the top left of your screen and mosey on out.
For those of you who’ve decided to persevere, welcome to Pottymouthville, USA!
Joy started the festivities, by joking around with Amy and Christy. All was fun. Then she came to Carmella (who ALL the girls despised), and came unglued, claiming that she was a whore who, and I’m just quoting here, “had a gap so wide you could drive a truck through it.“
Who knew?
Next up, Amy. She told Joy that she needed to learn how to lick a pie, and that Christy needed to calm down. Hey, I’d agree with that. Then she got to Carmella, whom Amy addressed as a whore. Okey dokey. She (Amy) also explained to Carmy that “having a cock in your m**** (don’t ask me why they censored the word MOUTH but felt COCK was ok) has nothing to do with wrestling.”
Oh, she just stole that line from page six of the WWE Employee Handbook.
Carmella got her shot, but it was so lame that I won’t even bother to transcribe it.
No, I’d rather save my words for Christy, whom Carmella actually said she hoped would win. Christy wasn’t quite as kind, calling Carmella one of the following(and I couldn’t tell because the first word was bleeped): a “cock sucking gutter slut” or a “cunt sucking gutter slut” or a “cum sucking gutter slut.”
CLASSY!
Finally, it came down to Christy and Carmella, with the winner set to be a quarter million bucks richer.
Before the winner could be announced, however, Trish Stratus showed up and mocked both girls and the entire competition in a manner most awesome.
Not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this before, but I LOVE TRISH STRATUS.
Finally (for real this time), Christy was announced the winner. She spastically celebrated, somehow even more spastically than usual.
I have to say that this was a saving grace of the competition, as Carmella (whom WWE desperately wanted to win) was obviously bored out of her skull the entire competition. At least Christy looked like she wanted to be there.
Not sure that’s worth two-hundred and fifty big ones, but that’s not my check to sign.
So what did the Diva Search teach us?
It taught us that even something as enjoyable as scantily clad, gorgeous women could be annoying in the wrong hands.
It taught us the art of Kamala Seduction (who will forget Coach’s inspirational advice “be at your seductive best”?),
It taught that pie eating contests are only fun if you are, in fact, eating the pie.
It taught us that Playboy Playmates aren’t given centerfolds for their personalities.
But perhaps most importantly, it taught us that…
WWE IS CLASSY!
Carmella: “Overall, my greatest asset has nothing to do with looks, I think it’s just personality.”
Rock: “Thank you, mama.”
Crowd is so silent you could hear a pin drop
Rock: “Clearly everybody loved that one.”
Joy: “Carmella, you talk a lot of shit. And you’ve got a gap so wide you could drive a truck right through there, baby!”
Amy: “Joy, you need to learn how to lick a pie. Christy, you need to settle your ass down. Whore, you don’t have any respect for the WWE. You don’t know shit about wrestling. And guess what – having a cock in your mouth doesn’t have anything to do with wrestling!”
Christy: “And Carmella, you’re a c*** sucking gutter slut!”
Trish Stratus: “I just wanted to take a moment to congratulate the two of you on making it this far. I mean, I know it’s been tough. With the ice cream eating, and the pie eating – I’m getting full just thinking about it! Have you been thinking about the money you’ll be making? Think about how you’re going to be spending it? Christy, maybe you can turn it down a little and buy yourself some decaf? And Carmella, maybe you could buy yourself, oh I don’t know…a personality?”